ARTS: Haiku help and comments

[Kokuu]

Hi all

All haiku published in ARTS: Your Haiku will be left just as they are.

If you wish any individual poems to be commented on, you can post them in this thread. I will then offer advice as to how a poem might be improved, although that will obviously be my opinion as a haiku writer.

I may also refer you to articles and other resources explaining how to write a good haiku.

Haiku are a traditional art form of some depth that it can take a lot of time to learn. I think it took me around five years to write a good poem and slightly longer to get published.

Please only post one poem at once. If you post a list, I will just take the first poem.

Gassho
Kokuu

[Tomás ESP]

This is my first Haiku:

sun breaks through
bedroom windows
smoke of incense

I haven't been able to pick up a seasonal message though. Maybe Autumn sun? Also, in the original haiku I wanted the last line to be related with the burning of my skin (which doesn't happen so often anymore, but it did happen before when I wasn't diagnosed) as a contrast with the nice warm feeling that most people get when they are exposed to the sun.

Gassho, Tomás
Sat&LaH

[Kokuu]

Hi Tomás

I think you some good images in there and those are what work with haiku. But ideally there needs to be a link between the incense smoke and sun which could come through the angle of morning (which may be what you are trying to do already) or, as you allude to, the burning sensation on your skin. We usually look for commonalities or contrast between the two images and here that might be through morning, heat or the fact that both sun and incense smoke rise.

You can also turn the sun into an autumn kigo (season word) by calling it low sun, waning sun or similar.

e.g.

the low sun
still hot on my skin
incense smoke

or

the prickling heat
of sun on my skin
incense smoke

or

autumn morning
rising with the sun
incense smoke

(this one has a pivot of a second line which can go with either line one or line two. It also includes blurs whether the incense smoke is rising with the sun or the writer of the poem)


Just some ideas! The most important thing is getting the images then you can play with them.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Tomás ESP]

Thank you Kokuu Brilliant advice. I have been writting some more, but they all come out in Spanish. It's just easier for me to get 5-7-5 and also to use more beautiful and specific language. Though I feel that before writting more I need to read more.

Gassho, Tomás
Sat&LaH

[Kokuu]

It's just easier for me to get 5-7-5 and also to use more beautiful and specific language

You really don't need to worry aout 5-7-5. It refers to Japanese sound units in the original form and not English syllables.

If you happen to write 5-7-5 that is fine, but the other elements of the poem are far more important than syllable counting.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Kotei]

clouded day
in ever changing patterns
migrating geese

Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

[Prashanth]

Mind seeks shelter
Cumbre vieja flows
battle of tides



Gassho.
Prashanth.
Sat today.


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[Kokuu]

clouded day
in ever changing patterns
migrating geese

Lovely, Kotei, and a beautiful pivot in L2 which can relate to both L1 and L3!

The only part I might change is L1. Day is unnecessary as we can assume it is day because of seeing the geese so you could refer to cloud(s) more obviously as the subject e.g. 'low cloud'

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Kokuu]

Mind seeks shelter
Cumbre vieja flows
battle of tides

Hi Prasanth! I might recommend the following article which looks at haiku as a two part, rather than three line, poem: https://www.ahapoetry.com/h_t_fragment.html

Having a different part on each line can feel a little choppy.

You can change this by making L1 and L2 into a single sentence e.g.

seeking shelter
from opposing tides
Cumbre Vieja



There are many possibilities of relating to either the actual event, or symbolism of that kind of natural event:

as if the earth
were an angry god
Cumbre vieja


Waiting
for my mind to still
Cumbre Vieja


What is the strongest association for you with Cumbre Vieja? What do you want to say? Are you talking about the mind?

Btw, with your background, you might like to read the work of Indian haiku poet Kala Ramesh: https://thehaikufoundation.org/new-t...ramesh-part-3/


Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Kotei]

Lovely, Kotei, and a beautiful pivot in L2 which can relate to both L1 and L3!

The only part I might change is L1. Day is unnecessary as we can assume it is day because of seeing the geese so you could refer to cloud(s) more obviously as the subject e.g. 'low cloud'

Thank you Kokuu.
The clouded 'DAY' came from a day with a certain mood (dark/clouded) and everything shadowed by this (the clouds in ever-changing patterns).
Looking up at the clouds in the sky and seeing the geese and seeing patterns and feeling somehow eased.

dark clouds
in ever changing patterns
migrating geese

Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today

[Prashanth]

Hi Prasanth! I might recommend the following article which looks at haiku as a two part, rather than three line, poem: https://www.ahapoetry.com/h_t_fragment.html

Having a different part on each line can feel a little choppy.

You can change this by making L1 and L2 into a single sentence e.g.

seeking shelter
from opposing tides
Cumbre Vieja



There are many possibilities of relating to either the actual event, or symbolism of that kind of natural event:

as if the earth
were an angry god
Cumbre vieja


Waiting
for my mind to still
Cumbre Vieja


What is the strongest association for you with Cumbre Vieja? What do you want to say? Are you talking about the mind?

Btw, with your background, you might like to read the work of Indian haiku poet Kala Ramesh: https://thehaikufoundation.org/new-t...ramesh-part-3/


Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

Thank you, Kokuu, for the kind advice and beautiful alternative formulations.
Yes, the intention was to equate the thoughts and emotions coming out of my mind to the erupting Cumbre Vieja, but at the same time seeking refuge (perhaps in Zazen) just like the Lava flows into the waters of the Ocean.

Thank you also for introducing Kala Ramesh.

Gassho [emoji120].
Prashanth.
Sat.

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[Doshin]

clouded day
in ever changing patterns
migrating geese

Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

Kotei,

You described my day “today” but with cranes

Doshin
Sr

[Nengyoku]

Loss of a loved one.
Wishing for a spring breeze soon
Blow away winter's clouds

Thank you for this thread. It has been a good opportunity to think about my word choices, both in poetry and elsewhere.

Gassho,
William
Sat

[Kokuu]

dark clouds
in ever changing patterns
migrating geese

[Kokuu]

Loss of a loved one.
Wishing for a spring breeze soon
Blow away winter's clouds

Hi William

It looks like you are still trying to stick to 5-7-5 or is that not the case? The poem reads as what we tend to call 'haikuese' which is when normal rules of grammar are abandoned in order to fit the syllable count such as 'soon blow away winter's clouds'. Without the need to fit syllables, it is easier just to write normally

e.g.

loss of a loved one
oh for spring winds
to clear these winter clouds


Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-