ARTS: Haiku help and comments

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  • Kokuu
    Treeleaf Priest
    • Nov 2012
    • 6756

    ARTS: Haiku help and comments

    Hi all

    All haiku published in ARTS: Your Haiku will be left just as they are.

    If you wish any individual poems to be commented on, you can post them in this thread. I will then offer advice as to how a poem might be improved, although that will obviously be my opinion as a haiku writer.

    I may also refer you to articles and other resources explaining how to write a good haiku.

    Haiku are a traditional art form of some depth that it can take a lot of time to learn. I think it took me around five years to write a good poem and slightly longer to get published.

    Please only post one poem at once. If you post a list, I will just take the first poem.

    Gassho
    Kokuu
  • Tomás ESP
    Member
    • Aug 2020
    • 575

    #2
    This is my first Haiku:

    sun breaks through
    bedroom windows
    smoke of incense


    I haven't been able to pick up a seasonal message though. Maybe Autumn sun? Also, in the original haiku I wanted the last line to be related with the burning of my skin (which doesn't happen so often anymore, but it did happen before when I wasn't diagnosed) as a contrast with the nice warm feeling that most people get when they are exposed to the sun.

    Gassho, Tomás
    Sat&LaH
    Last edited by Tomás ESP; 11-01-2021, 12:16 PM.

    Comment

    • Kokuu
      Treeleaf Priest
      • Nov 2012
      • 6756

      #3
      Hi Tomás

      I think you some good images in there and those are what work with haiku. But ideally there needs to be a link between the incense smoke and sun which could come through the angle of morning (which may be what you are trying to do already) or, as you allude to, the burning sensation on your skin. We usually look for commonalities or contrast between the two images and here that might be through morning, heat or the fact that both sun and incense smoke rise.

      You can also turn the sun into an autumn kigo (season word) by calling it low sun, waning sun or similar.

      e.g.

      the low sun
      still hot on my skin
      incense smoke


      or

      the prickling heat
      of sun on my skin
      incense smoke


      or

      autumn morning
      rising with the sun
      incense smoke


      (this one has a pivot of a second line which can go with either line one or line two. It also includes blurs whether the incense smoke is rising with the sun or the writer of the poem)


      Just some ideas! The most important thing is getting the images then you can play with them.

      Gassho
      Kokuu
      -sattoday/lah-
      Last edited by Kokuu; 11-01-2021, 04:47 PM.

      Comment

      • Tomás ESP
        Member
        • Aug 2020
        • 575

        #4
        Thank you Kokuu Brilliant advice. I have been writting some more, but they all come out in Spanish. It's just easier for me to get 5-7-5 and also to use more beautiful and specific language. Though I feel that before writting more I need to read more.

        Gassho, Tomás
        Sat&LaH

        Comment

        • Kokuu
          Treeleaf Priest
          • Nov 2012
          • 6756

          #5
          It's just easier for me to get 5-7-5 and also to use more beautiful and specific language
          You really don't need to worry aout 5-7-5. It refers to Japanese sound units in the original form and not English syllables.

          If you happen to write 5-7-5 that is fine, but the other elements of the poem are far more important than syllable counting.

          Gassho
          Kokuu
          -sattoday/lah-

          Comment

          • Kotei
            Treeleaf Unsui
            • Mar 2015
            • 3935

            #6
            clouded day
            in ever changing patterns
            migrating geese

            Gassho,
            Kotei sat/lah today.

            義道 冴庭 / Gidō Kotei.
            Being a novice priest doesn't mean my writing about the Dharma is more substantial than yours. Actually, it might well be the other way round.

            Comment

            • Prashanth
              Member
              • Nov 2021
              • 182

              #7
              Mind seeks shelter
              Cumbre vieja flows
              battle of tides



              Gassho.
              Prashanth.
              Sat today.


              Sent from my Lenovo TB-7305F using Tapatalk
              Last edited by Prashanth; 11-08-2021, 02:38 PM.

              Comment

              • Kokuu
                Treeleaf Priest
                • Nov 2012
                • 6756

                #8
                clouded day
                in ever changing patterns
                migrating geese
                Lovely, Kotei, and a beautiful pivot in L2 which can relate to both L1 and L3!

                The only part I might change is L1. Day is unnecessary as we can assume it is day because of seeing the geese so you could refer to cloud(s) more obviously as the subject e.g. 'low cloud'

                Gassho
                Kokuu
                -sattoday/lah-

                Comment

                • Kokuu
                  Treeleaf Priest
                  • Nov 2012
                  • 6756

                  #9
                  Mind seeks shelter
                  Cumbre vieja flows
                  battle of tides
                  Hi Prasanth! I might recommend the following article which looks at haiku as a two part, rather than three line, poem: https://www.ahapoetry.com/h_t_fragment.html

                  Having a different part on each line can feel a little choppy.

                  You can change this by making L1 and L2 into a single sentence e.g.

                  seeking shelter
                  from opposing tides
                  Cumbre Vieja



                  There are many possibilities of relating to either the actual event, or symbolism of that kind of natural event:

                  as if the earth
                  were an angry god
                  Cumbre vieja



                  Waiting
                  for my mind to still
                  Cumbre Vieja



                  What is the strongest association for you with Cumbre Vieja? What do you want to say? Are you talking about the mind?

                  Btw, with your background, you might like to read the work of Indian haiku poet Kala Ramesh: https://thehaikufoundation.org/new-t...ramesh-part-3/


                  Gassho
                  Kokuu
                  -sattoday/lah-
                  Last edited by Kokuu; 11-08-2021, 07:05 PM.

                  Comment

                  • Kotei
                    Treeleaf Unsui
                    • Mar 2015
                    • 3935

                    #10
                    Originally posted by Kokuu
                    Lovely, Kotei, and a beautiful pivot in L2 which can relate to both L1 and L3!

                    The only part I might change is L1. Day is unnecessary as we can assume it is day because of seeing the geese so you could refer to cloud(s) more obviously as the subject e.g. 'low cloud'
                    Thank you Kokuu.
                    The clouded 'DAY' came from a day with a certain mood (dark/clouded) and everything shadowed by this (the clouds in ever-changing patterns).
                    Looking up at the clouds in the sky and seeing the geese and seeing patterns and feeling somehow eased.

                    dark clouds
                    in ever changing patterns
                    migrating geese

                    Gassho,
                    Kotei sat/lah today

                    義道 冴庭 / Gidō Kotei.
                    Being a novice priest doesn't mean my writing about the Dharma is more substantial than yours. Actually, it might well be the other way round.

                    Comment

                    • Prashanth
                      Member
                      • Nov 2021
                      • 182

                      #11
                      Originally posted by Kokuu
                      Hi Prasanth! I might recommend the following article which looks at haiku as a two part, rather than three line, poem: https://www.ahapoetry.com/h_t_fragment.html

                      Having a different part on each line can feel a little choppy.

                      You can change this by making L1 and L2 into a single sentence e.g.

                      seeking shelter
                      from opposing tides
                      Cumbre Vieja



                      There are many possibilities of relating to either the actual event, or symbolism of that kind of natural event:

                      as if the earth
                      were an angry god
                      Cumbre vieja



                      Waiting
                      for my mind to still
                      Cumbre Vieja



                      What is the strongest association for you with Cumbre Vieja? What do you want to say? Are you talking about the mind?

                      Btw, with your background, you might like to read the work of Indian haiku poet Kala Ramesh: https://thehaikufoundation.org/new-t...ramesh-part-3/


                      Gassho
                      Kokuu
                      -sattoday/lah-
                      Thank you, Kokuu, for the kind advice and beautiful alternative formulations.
                      Yes, the intention was to equate the thoughts and emotions coming out of my mind to the erupting Cumbre Vieja, but at the same time seeking refuge (perhaps in Zazen) just like the Lava flows into the waters of the Ocean.

                      Thank you also for introducing Kala Ramesh.

                      Gassho [emoji120].
                      Prashanth.
                      Sat.

                      Sent from my GS190 using Tapatalk

                      Comment

                      • Doshin
                        Member
                        • May 2015
                        • 2644

                        #12
                        Originally posted by Kotei
                        clouded day
                        in ever changing patterns
                        migrating geese

                        Gassho,
                        Kotei sat/lah today.
                        Kotei,

                        You described my day “today” but with cranes

                        Doshin
                        Sr

                        Comment

                        • Nengyoku
                          Member
                          • Jun 2021
                          • 536

                          #13
                          Loss of a loved one.
                          Wishing for a spring breeze soon
                          Blow away winter's clouds

                          Thank you for this thread. It has been a good opportunity to think about my word choices, both in poetry and elsewhere.

                          Gassho,
                          William
                          Sat
                          Thank you for being the warmth in my world.

                          Comment

                          • Kokuu
                            Treeleaf Priest
                            • Nov 2012
                            • 6756

                            #14
                            dark clouds
                            in ever changing patterns
                            migrating geese

                            Comment

                            • Kokuu
                              Treeleaf Priest
                              • Nov 2012
                              • 6756

                              #15
                              Loss of a loved one.
                              Wishing for a spring breeze soon
                              Blow away winter's clouds
                              Hi William

                              It looks like you are still trying to stick to 5-7-5 or is that not the case? The poem reads as what we tend to call 'haikuese' which is when normal rules of grammar are abandoned in order to fit the syllable count such as 'soon blow away winter's clouds'. Without the need to fit syllables, it is easier just to write normally

                              e.g.

                              loss of a loved one
                              oh for spring winds
                              to clear these winter clouds


                              Gassho
                              Kokuu
                              -sattoday/lah-

                              Comment

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