ARTS: Haiku help and comments

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  • Jenny A
    replied
    Hi Seijan,

    Thank you for the photo! Nice. Yes, your combination version could work. But in general words like 'seems' or 'appears' may weaken the impact, and they tell how the poet/narrator feels rather than showing. Something like Kokuu's "no one talks of spring" suggests or shows the feeling that spring seems far off, without directly telling it. You have several good possible versions. Have fun deciding which you like best.

    Gassho,
    Jenny
    sat today
    Last edited by Jenny A; 03-11-2024, 04:06 PM.

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  • Seijin
    replied
    Originally posted by Kokuu
    Hi Seijin!

    I like that haiku. A Google translation suggests that the windbell is taken down from the tree or does it fall?

    a frozen windbell
    taken down from the tree / fallen from the tree

    'distant spring' is a pretty direct translation of the third line and works just fine, although spring can mean both the season and a place where water emerges (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_(hydrology)). Otherwise you could say something like 'so long until spring' or 'how long until spring?' A slightly different take on that line might be 'no one talks of spring'.

    What do you think? Jenny might have some advice also!

    By the way, you might have seen this page on Swedish haiku? I remember seeing many written by Anna Maris: https://haikupedia.org/article-haiku...iku-in-sweden/

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    -sattoday/lah-

    Thank you. I like both your suggestions Jenny-san and Kokuu-san

    The haiku was written with the image of an upcoming winter and how the happy sounds of the windbell during summer now was gone, and spring seemed so far.
    398256905_6688065004623580_312466742082600819_n.jpg

    A combination of things you said could be:

    a frozen windbell
    taken down from the tree
    spring seems distant

    Seijin
    Sat/lah

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  • Jenny A
    replied
    Hi Seijin,

    I also like your haiku. I like the implied silence of the wind bell, deepening the silence of winter. I don't know whether you mean the bell was taken down or it fell, and you may wish to stay with what you observed. But if it did fall, or if you are comfortable taking a little liberty with the "truth," I like the alliteration created if you do this:

    a frozen windbell
    fallen from the tree
    distant spring

    I think it is clear from the context that 'spring' here refers to the season, but Kokuu's suggestions for the third line would work also.

    Gassho,
    Jenny
    stlah

    Leave a comment:


  • Kokuu
    replied
    Hi Seijin!

    I like that haiku. A Google translation suggests that the windbell is taken down from the tree or does it fall?

    a frozen windbell
    taken down from the tree / fallen from the tree

    'distant spring' is a pretty direct translation of the third line and works just fine, although spring can mean both the season and a place where water emerges (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_(hydrology)). Otherwise you could say something like 'so long until spring' or 'how long until spring?' A slightly different take on that line might be 'no one talks of spring'.

    What do you think? Jenny might have some advice also!

    By the way, you might have seen this page on Swedish haiku? I remember seeing many written by Anna Maris: https://haikupedia.org/article-haiku...iku-in-sweden/

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    -sattoday/lah-

    Leave a comment:


  • Seijin
    replied
    I wrote a haiku this autumn.
    Its in swedish. But I decided to translate it to english today.
    Any advise?
    Seijin
    Sat/lah

    Frosen windbell
    Get detached from the tree
    Distant spring

    Frusen vindklocka.
    Plockas ner från trädet nu.
    Våren är fjärran

    Leave a comment:


  • Jenny A
    replied
    Hi Kokuu,
    Thank you for your kind words about my site & my work. I very much enjoyed browsing your site--wonderful haiku, haibun & photographs! I see that our paths have crossed before--I had a tanka-prose piece in the same issue of Drifting Sands as your 'Autumnal' haibun. And Chen-ou Liu is an Inkstone member--I know him well. (Kala Ramesh is also a member and a good friend of mine.)
    Thanks also for your suggestion for my 'wren' haiku. It works well and I will add it to my list of possibilities. But I may want to keep 'opening' as in the original, because I want the 'impossibly true' reading that the wren or his song is opening the door--as I think it might do, metaphorically--a door into the heart/mind.

    Gassho,
    Jenny
    sat today
    Last edited by Jenny A; 03-09-2024, 11:06 PM.

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  • Kokuu
    replied
    Hi Jenny

    Thank you for the link to your site. It is lovely you have written so much great work. You can find some of mine here but I have not written much for a while: https://yearinhaiku.wordpress.com/

    I am not sure you need my advice on your monoku with your experience. I guess I was thinking of something like this but changing 'opening the door' to 'open door' may be too much for what you wanted to express:

    open door
    under the rafters
    a singing wren


    Gassho
    Kokuu

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  • Jenny A
    replied
    Hello Kokuu,
    Thank you for your reply! Yes, I have published tanka, haiku & haibun in numerous journals, and also have published several books of tanka which you can find here. I used to write tanka exclusively but have turned more toward haiku in recent years.

    So for my one-liner, are you suggesting something like:

    opening a door under the rafters the wren sings

    Or

    opening a door
    under the rafters
    the wren sings

    Or maybe

    opening a door
    under the rafters
    wren song

    ?? I had not thought of putting the wren last.

    I love your

    spring sun all over the eaves robin song

    !! Such a lovely echo of my wren.

    Gassho,
    jenny

    Leave a comment:


  • Kokuu
    replied
    Hi Jenny

    It is great to have you here! Tanka have mostly eluded me but I really enjoy reading them. Do you publish anywhere?

    Your workshopping space looks lovely in that it is dedicated to Jane Reichhold, and designed by Ron Moss. Ron has written a number of collaborative sequences with my haiku friend Elisa, and his own work is examplary.

    That is a lovely one line haiku. All I would suggest is to move the wren song to the end so that you get the 'aha' moment last but that would probably involve moving to a three line format and defeat the purpose of your one line.

    One in return

    spring sun all over the eaves robin song


    Gassho
    Kokuu
    -sattoday/lah-

    Leave a comment:


  • Jenny A
    replied
    Hello! I'm a new Treeleaf member and delighted to find this Haiku Club. I've been writing tanka, haiku & related forms for some years and I moderate an online workshopping forum for short-form poetry.

    Here is a one-line haiku I wrote recently. Feedback welcome.

    opening the door a wren sings under the rafters


    Gassho,
    Jenny
    stlah

    Leave a comment:


  • Tai Shi
    replied
    So Very Sad

    With Poetry anger
    Flows because, like
    Broken sand trails
    In the sun, my
    Someday is done!

    I am afraid I will
    Not attain true
    Enlightenment, not
    Possible, I will die.

    Leave a comment:


  • Nengyoku
    replied
    Yeah, it is a mold that I am finding it hard to tell myself it is okay to break out of. Thank you for the encouragement to do so.

    Gassho,
    William
    Sat

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  • Kokuu
    replied
    Loss of a loved one.
    Wishing for a spring breeze soon
    Blow away winter's clouds
    Hi William

    It looks like you are still trying to stick to 5-7-5 or is that not the case? The poem reads as what we tend to call 'haikuese' which is when normal rules of grammar are abandoned in order to fit the syllable count such as 'soon blow away winter's clouds'. Without the need to fit syllables, it is easier just to write normally

    e.g.

    loss of a loved one
    oh for spring winds
    to clear these winter clouds


    Gassho
    Kokuu
    -sattoday/lah-

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  • Kokuu
    replied
    dark clouds
    in ever changing patterns
    migrating geese

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  • Nengyoku
    replied
    Loss of a loved one.
    Wishing for a spring breeze soon
    Blow away winter's clouds

    Thank you for this thread. It has been a good opportunity to think about my word choices, both in poetry and elsewhere.

    Gassho,
    William
    Sat

    Leave a comment:

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