ARTS: Your Haiku!

[Gero]

to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
I retrace my steps over the bridge
as the brook giggles at my retreat

Actually this (almost) happened to me 90 minutes ago while walking our dog. When I crossed a tiny bridge over a minor brook, the way led me along the banks which are just plastered with blooming cherry trees. The fragrance got so overpowering that I really considered to flee that intensity.

Gassho
Gero

(sat)

[Teiro]

Thanks a lot for your kind feedback, Kokuu.

But surely there are some rules for Haiku I should know about, like the 5-7-5 syllable thing I just’ve read about on Wikipedia.
Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?

Oops... I just’ve found your introductions on how to write Haiku...
Thanks for the teaching, Kokuu.

Gassho
Teiro

Sat/Lah

[Amelia]

Thank you, Kokuu

Gassho, sat today, lah

[Kyoshin]

winter
in Saigon
summer heat
Gassho
Nick
Satlah



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[Jakuden]

corn field stubble
sharp eyes find gold
wild turkey strut

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH


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[Junkyo]

foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity

Gassho,
Junkyo
SAT

[Hoseki]

meeting a fan -
he greets them with
blood stained hands

gassho
Hoseki
Sattoday

[Tai Do]

sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado

In Portuguese (original):
pardal ao sol
carcará voando
outono no cerrado


I tried to convey the feeling of impermanence and fragility of life linking the approach of the carcará to the coming of autumns, witch represents the beginning of the dry season in the Brazilian Cerrado, from middle autumn (April) to middle spring (November). I don't know how to translate carcará (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_crested_caracara) in English, so I translated as hawk, but its not the same species and hawk don't convey the same feeling (caracarás are know to be resistantand adaptable as they prey and eat any kind of animal, prospering during the dry season that treatens other animals). As both the sparrow and the carcará are not seasonal birds, I used the autumn to convey the seasonal feeling.
Hope it makes some sense as a haiku.

Gassho,
Mateus
Sat today

[Kokuu]

to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
I retrace my steps over the bridge
as the brook giggles at my retreat

Woah! Some great images in there, Gero, but is getting awful big for a haiku! Try to pick two parts and work with that.
For example...

cherry blossom
I retrace my steps
over the bridge

winter
in Saigon
summer heat

Lovely, Nick. You might want to consider using another word other than summer to describe the heat but it works well anyway.

[Kokuu]

corn field stubble
sharp eyes find gold
wild turkey strut

I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.
For example...

wild turkey strut
sharp eyes find gold
among the stubble

foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity

As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
E.g.

foggy street
beams of sunlight
clear the road

That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.

[Junkyo]

I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.
For example...

wild turkey strut
sharp eyes find gold
among the stubble

foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity

As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
E.g.

foggy street
beams of sunlight
clear the road

That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.

Hi Kokuu,

Foggy street

Sunlight beams

Roadside clarity

Was mine Haha. I think you joined two separate posts!

The idea in mine was to relate a foggy street to a mind that was obscured by the defilements, the sunlight beams are alluding to wisdom, and of course roadside clarity is allegory to enlightenment.

Gassho,

Junkyo
SAT

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[Kokuu]

meeting a fan -
he greets them with
blood stained hands

Dark! But a good haiku, or at least senryu (senryu is the term given to haiku which are more focussed on human behaviour and quirks rather than nature and lacking a season word).

sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado

It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.

All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?

a hawk and sparrow
share the sun
cerrado autumn

cerrado autumn
hawk eyes pick out
a sunlit sparrow

Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!

[Kokuu]

Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?

Hi Teiro

Yes, I left some instructions and hopefully made clear about the 5-7-5 aspect.

This is also a good guide for haiku writing: https://ahapoetry.com/Bare%20Bones/bbtoc%20intro.html

Gassho
Kokuu

[Tai Do]

sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado

It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.

All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?

a hawk and sparrow
share the sun
cerrado autumn

cerrado autumn
hawk eyes pick out
a sunlit sparrow

Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!

Thank you, Kokuu. I can see the lack of linkage between the hawk and the sparrow. I like your versions better.

This was a scene I saw while going to work. I’ll try to be more attentive to let other haiku find my mind.
Gassho,
Mateus
Sat/LAH

[Kyoshin]

Thanks for the feedback, Kokuu!

Gassho
Nick
Satlah