ARTS: Your Haiku!

[Kokuu]

Please leave your haiku here and I will try and give feedback on as many as I can.

silent sitting
my body becomes
the east wind

(published in Blithe Spirit, the journal of the British Haiku Society)

Gassho
Kokuu

[Kotei]

Hello, visited the garden this morning...

cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate

Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

[Jishin]

Chop



Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Jishin]

Whiteout



Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Jakuden]

Spring breeze
Rumbling truck engine
Filling potholes.

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

[Junkyo]

Ice rain falls

Cold winds blow

Northern spring


Gassho,

Junkyo
SAT

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[Kokuu]

cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate

Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.

Chop

Hmmm.


Whiteout

There is actually a classic modern haiku which is the word tundra in the centre of a white page. This is similar.

One word haiku are the poetic equivalent of the all white canvas - novel once but quickly pale on repetition.


Spring breeze
Rumbling truck engine
Filling potholes

I like this! Mostly all lines are best started in lower case and fills might keep it in the present moment better than filling. 'ing' words tend to be used only once in a haiku. But, again, there is a lovely connection between the rumble of the truck and the breeze.

A suggested version:

spring breeze
a rumbling truck
fills potholes

[Kokuu]

Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring

Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!

[Jishin]

I like:



Thunder



Or



Sunrise




Interesting, powerful, speak a thousand words with brevity. They work quite well if the reader knows what they are reading is a haiku like in this thread. In every day use they are not haikus.


My 2 cents.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Horin]

plum blossoms in spring
dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
the geese move to the south

[Jakuden]

spring breeze
a rumbling truck
fills potholes

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

[Jishin]

Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring

Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!

I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

rain

winds

northern spring

There is the set up and powerful punch line. Much simpler and effective but that’s just me.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Kotei]

cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate

Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.

Thank you, I'll go with the suggested 'mating toads', I like the simplicity and sound and the image is still working for me.
Passing away and becoming, meeting in the ripples in the pond... wave and ocean...
Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

[Junkyo]

Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring

Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!

Thank you for the lesson!

Gassho,

Junkyo
Sat
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[Junkyo]

I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

rain

winds

northern spring

There is the set up and powerful punch line. Much simpler and effective but that’s just me.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Hi Jishin!

I like this too! I have always been told I tend to be too wordy! Perhaps something to think about haha.

Gassho,

Junkyo
Sat

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