Practicing Zen when also a busy parent

[Dainin]

Hi Joyo,

Another one here who can relate to what you and others have written. I have two young boys (12 and 9). The younger one is on two soccer teams that take up 5 days a week and the oldest takes a Saturday morning cooking class. Besides my day job as a schoolteacher, I often teach college courses at night. So, like you and other parents here, my wife and I are pulled in many directions. But, I wouldn't change it for the world; it's all part of my practice.

As I write this it's 3:30 am. I was exhausted when I came home from work today and took a very long nap. My 12 year old just got up to get a glass of water and asked if I was ever going to bed. Luckily it's Saturday, but I need to take one boy to soccer and my wife will take the other to cooking! It's all good; I'll still be able to sit my time for our 10th Anniversary today!

In the past I romanticized being a cloistered monk, "away from the world", but I always felt called to fatherhood, and it's the most enriching part of my life. While I realize as an adult that my father did his best and I am grateful for him for much, he really was not part of my life as much as I wished. I always promised myself I'd be really present for my children, and so far I have been pretty faithful to that vow. My practice feeds my parenting and vice versa. Otherwise, what's the use?

I don't know why, but I just thought of one my favorite Zennie quotes, “If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.” It's okay if we don't have it all down and figured out (I never will!). Whatever we're doing, including being parents, just do it as best as we can with what we have. If we strive for this... not too bad!

Gassho,
Dainin

SatToday

[Heisoku]

Hi Joyo, Always make time for your children, they are not that way for long, as others have said. Daitetsu is right, don't make not practising because you are caring a reason for having a conscience about it. I know this feeling and it is silly. Everything is zen and practice, as you know. Remember to care greatly for yourself first, despite the tiredness, your bodymind knows what it really needs. You are an inspiration to all those bringing up children and practising through your openness and care.
Take care. Gassho,
Heisoku
Sat today.


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[martyrob]

Hi Joyo,

I have three teenage sons. They can be a challenge. Both my wife and I work full-time and I do about four hours voluntary work a week for a suicide helpline. Often my voluntary work gets in the way of family life, the mantra there is; family always comes first. But it's not always that easy. It's the same with sitting. So as a consequence I feel a failure as parent, as a volunteer and as a Buddhist. Practice has taught me that that's just a feeling, so I let that feeling of failure get on with itself and I get on with doing the best I can.
I have only sat one four hour zazenkai right the way through since I started here and that's because the wife and kids were away. The best I can manage is two hours. My wife would go ape if she felt, on a precious day off, I was sat on my arse for four hours (as she'd see it) while she had to get on with all the house work, kids etc. And she'd have a point.
So I try the best that I can and suffer the feeling that I'm not good enough.

Thank you for this thread.

Wishing you all well.

Martyn.

Sat today.

[Meian]

I have a 17 year old daughter and an 11 year old daughter with Aspergers and apraxia. And I work. And I'm in school for medical coding. And my chronic health issues.

I consider it a good day if I can sit for 5-10 minutes. Usually I do this on the fly - I suddenly realize I can sit for a few minutes, so I sit wherever i am. I wish I could participate in more sits, and I would love to do the book club, but I think i am a limited member because of my limited practice. I consider myself a Buddhist with a chaotic life.

Not sure if that helps, but i can definitely relate on many levels. Thanks for sharing - now I know I'm not the only one

Gassho,
Kim
Will sit later

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[Jundo]

I have a 17 year old daughter and an 11 year old daughter with Aspergers and apraxia. And I work. And I'm in school for medical coding. And my chronic health issues.

I consider it a good day if I can sit for 5-10 minutes. Usually I do this on the fly - I suddenly realize I can sit for a few minutes, so I sit wherever i am. I wish I could participate in more sits, and I would love to do the book club, but I think i am a limited member because of my limited practice. I consider myself a Buddhist with a chaotic life.

Not sure if that helps, but i can definitely relate on many levels. Thanks for sharing - now I know I'm not the only one

Gassho,
Kim
Will sit later

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5 minutes is more than enough if one sits completely forgetting time and completely with what is, including your children and all your life.

But if you can sometimes once in awhile make it 10 minutes or 15 minutes or 20 minutes or more ... well, that's good too!

Gassho, Jundo

SatToday

[Jundo]

Hi Joyo,

I have three teenage sons. They can be a challenge. Both my wife and I work full-time and I do about four hours voluntary work a week for a suicide helpline. Often my voluntary work gets in the way of family life, the mantra there is; family always comes first. But it's not always that easy. It's the same with sitting. So as a consequence I feel a failure as parent, as a volunteer and as a Buddhist. Practice has taught me that that's just a feeling, so I let that feeling of failure get on with itself and I get on with doing the best I can.
I have only sat one four hour zazenkai right the way through since I started here and that's because the wife and kids were away. The best I can manage is two hours. My wife would go ape if she felt, on a precious day off, I was sat on my arse for four hours (as she'd see it) while she had to get on with all the house work, kids etc. And she'd have a point.
So I try the best that I can and suffer the feeling that I'm not good enough.

Thank you for this thread.

Wishing you all well.

Martyn.

Sat today.

Family does not come first. Family does not come last. Family is our Practice, our Monastery.

Sit a few minutes here, a few minutes there and approach wife and work and kids and suicide helpline with the same heart-mind as Zazen. They are "not seated" Zazen when known as so.

Gassho, J

SatToday

[Daitetsu]

Hi Kim,

I wish I could participate in more sits, and I would love to do the book club, but I think i am a limited member because of my limited practice.

There is no such thing like a "limited member". Everyone is the same.
With your schedule most people would not even bother to practice at all! So kudos to all busy people who practice - even if it's just for a few minutes a day.
And let's not forget, that while someone might not have much time for formal practice, there are loads of opportunities to make every day life your practice.
Actually, that's what Zen is about - life!

Gassho,

Daitetsu

#sat2day

[Jundo]

I don't know why, but I just thought of one my favorite Zennie quotes, “If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.” It's okay if we don't have it all down and figured out (I never will!). Whatever we're doing, including being parents, just do it as best as we can with what we have. If we strive for this... not too bad!

Gassho,
Dainin

SatToday

In the Ceremonies learned in a Monastery, one tries to do them perfectly. They are never perfect. Nevertheless one tries, sincerely but with a relaxed heart.

Gassho. J

SatToday

[Kaishin]

Joyo, absolutely! You are sitting every day and that's the essential practice. We are busy lay people, not monks! I go through periods where I am very active on zazenkai sessions, then go through very fallow periods. It's like a pendulum sometimes: some weeks I just want to walk away from the practice entirely; other weeks I want to head off to a cave and sit for nine years straight. That's normal for me--I don't think I'll ever have a consistent practice, at least not while I'm a busy family man (maybe never).

It just depends on the circumstances of life. Hobbies and "down time" are important too, but I understand the guilt that comes from indulging in those instead of "zen stuff."

So, don't be so hard on yourself. I say this as someone who is often very hard on myself, and that's no help! It can be too easy to supportive and forgiving of others, but not ourselves, and we need to do more of the latter.

--(did not sit in the last 24 hours but felt compelled to be supportive and post - I'm not perfect so don't sue me!)

[Joyo]

Thank you everyone Thank you, Kaishin, for the encouragement. I am very hard on myself in all aspects of my life, it's one thing I'm trying to be aware of and learn to relax more.

Someone mentioned here that when their kids were younger they had a goal to sit for 20 min. a day. I've been doing that, instead of pressuring myself to sit 2x each day I just decided that for 20 to 30 min a day (whenever it works on that particular day) I will sit. It has been way less pressure for me that way. I've also cut back on my work schedule a lot----less money, more time.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Gukan]

Oops, look at that, by the time I got round to answering everyone had already said it all

Thank you for the thread. I guess we're all just trying to muddle through the best we can.

Gassho,
Libby
sattoday

[Byokan]

... How do other parents balance practice with work, laundry, kids, soccer games, etc. etc. etc.? (and I do know that all things are practice, and parenting is no different, I'm talking more about making commitments to online zazenkai, sitting on g+, reading Zen books...that sort of thing)

Hi All,

A very deep bow to you parents, I don’t know how you do it! I don’t have kids. So my two cents is only worth maybe 1/100th of a cent here. I just want to say, hey, give yourself a break, Moms and Dads, you're awesome...

Sincerity of practice is what counts, isn’t it? Not the hours on the cushion or the number of pages read. When the time is right for more sitting you will know, and when the conditions are right for more in-depth reading and study you will do that. But more is not necessarily better, or always appropriate, and I think quality is more important than quantity. So, if all you have time for today is 5 minutes to sit or to read, do that 5 minutes with all your heart and mind and presence. Don’t waste your 5 minutes on guilt and perfectionism and craving for more; give those 5 minutes to your practice completely and joyously. Be sincere, be as consistent as you can... and for gosh sake, be kind to yourself. Moderation, consistency, and self-compassion is not only good for your own practice and sanity, but sets a great example for the kidz as well.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

[Getchi]

Hi All,

A very deep bow to you parents, I don’t know how you do it! I don’t have kids. So my two cents is only worth maybe 1/100th of a cent here. I just want to say, hey, give yourself a break, Moms and Dads, you're awesome...

Sincerity of practice is what counts, isn’t it? Not the hours on the cushion or the number of pages read. When the time is right for more sitting you will know, and when the conditions are right for more in-depth reading and study you will do that. But more is not necessarily better, or always appropriate, and I think quality is more important than quantity. So, if all you have time for today is 5 minutes to sit or to read, do that 5 minutes with all your heart and mind and presence. Don’t waste your 5 minutes on guilt and perfectionism and craving for more; give those 5 minutes to your practice completely and joyously. Be sincere, be as consistent as you can... and for gosh sake, be kind to yourself. Moderation, consistency, and self-compassion is not only good for your own practice and sanity, but sets a great example for the kidz as well.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

That is just beautifully said

And if we feel like were in need of more education, work through the video series of basics, past dharma talks and podcasts. Everything is available and I'm grateful for it.


Geoff.
SStToday.

[Jundo]

Hi Parents (just dropped the 5 year old off at Kindergarten),

I am reading a wonderful Japanese manga comic series now from about 20 years ago about daily life as a monk in a Soto monastery. Let's just say that they have their own problems (many involving girlfriends) as one might expect in putting a bunch of 20 year old men together for a couple of years. Imagine "Buddha meets college dorm meets football locker room meets marine boot camp" ... Here is the scene where another monk gets revenge on some other monk by eating the fried chicken the second monk snuck into the place ...



Just like when Janice from Accounting eats your lunch yogurt in the office fridge although your name was clearly on it!

Here is a scene from the movie they made from it (Fancy Dance, great if you can find it) where the main characters girlfriend sneaks in for a quick visit ...



Why am I mentioning this? They have their own stresses, interpersonal relationships, tough obligations, lack of sleep, financial concerns, problems with the opposite sex. The temple and all those ceremonies is their JOB!

Here at Treeleaf, please do not think that the monastery is the place to "get away from life." It is just another life. Also, do not think that your work and family is "not the monastery." It can be if we see it right.

I am going to be redoing the beginners video series (don't worry, the blender stays! ) I want to reorganize it and have it a bit clearer on the basics, philosophy of sitting explained after. However, I will do more to include the perspective that "Life Is Our Temple" ... changing a diaper is a Sacred Ceremony, cooking and cleaning is cooking and cleaning wherever done and for whom.

Understand?

Don't ever ever ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER .... think that "family work and life" takes you away from Zazen. All is Zazen!

Please be sure to catch this wonderful reminder today ...

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?13485-SIT-A-LONG-with-Jundo-Why-Zen-Folks-FAIL%21%21-%28I%29-A-New-Video-Podcast-Series&p=177085&viewfull=1#post177085

Gassho, Jundo Dad

SatToday

[KellyRok]

Hi Joyo and all,

I've read this thread so many times wanting to post something vaguely helpful...but alas, I came up with nothing. Which makes me realize that I'm so far from figuring this balance thing out. Sometimes life seems to flow nicely, all things in place - time for sitting, time for kids and husband, all the time in the world to do household chores, work life in balance. And then the next moment, we wonder how we simply get out of bed in the morning amidst the chaos.

But please know that in asking these questions, it means you are doing it right. You are doing the best you can moment by moment. It's okay to let formal practice slide sometimes, because as is our way - all of life is our practice. I wish I could just sit around all day and read every recommended book on our reading list. I wish I could go to every zazenkai and sit live (which I have yet to do once and I've been around here a while). I wish I was a perfect parent and wife. Sometimes I wish I could find a job that would still allow me to be there for my kids after school, have my sparkling clean house, and extra money to go on those family vacations we dream of. But I've realized that life is more about letting go...mainly of the notions that we have to be all things to everyone and have every item in our life in order.

Always question if there is something you could do better. But more importantly, also acknowledge all the things you are already doing right, right now.

Take care all,
Kelly/Jinmei
sattoday