Practicing Zen when also a busy parent

[Guest]

I've been thinking about this for awhile, but was hesitant to post because I always find it hard to talk about myself. But, I'd really like others' perspectives about this.

Does anyone else find it hard to find the balance between practice and parenting? I haven't even looked at the last chapter in our book club book Opening the Hand of Thought. I find it really hard to make it to Friday evening zazenkai or other events here. Because of these things, I often feel like I am not doing enough.

I do sit one or two times each day, and rarely (if ever) miss a day. To be honest, I do have some time to myself, but as a busy parent, I often just want to watch tv, or paint a picture, or take my dog for a walk---something to unwind from the stress and responsibilities (and the many wonderful moments too) by the end of the day.

How do other parents balance practice with work, laundry, kids, soccer games, etc. etc. etc.? (and I do know that all things are practice, and parenting is no different, I'm talking more about making commitments to online zazenkai, sitting on g+, reading Zen books...that sort of thing)

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Gukan]

Does anyone else find it hard to find the balance between practice and parenting?

Of course. Of course! And I just wanted to answer that for now so you'd know it wasn't just you (it's every parent, surely?) - but I can't write more because (funnily enough) I am parenting a kid with a vomiting bug. I missed sitting with Jundo and my last two zazenathon sits have been fractured - and a little pukey if I'm honest - and and I feel kinda bad about life and kids getting in the way, even though "all things are practice and parenting is no different', as you rightly say.

Until then, I look forward to seeing other people's thoughts on this

Gassho,
Libby

sattoday, in a haze of disinfectant

[Joyo]

Thank you, Libby. I really appreciate what you posted here! The reason I finally had the courage to post this is that I wanted to sit with Jundo last night, but I was busy dealing with my son. This is another topic, but he is a wonderfully, challenging little boy with a huge heart. He has many symptoms of ADHD and we are looking into getting a diagnosis soon. Anyway, like I said, this is another topic, but my life was very busy, so I was not able to sit, and by the time my house was quiet I sat alone for awhile, but I felt like a failure----that once gain I was unable to participate the way I'd like to.

One thing I often do, is listen to Zen videos while cleaning the house or cooking. Just a suggestion for anyone else.


Gassho,
Joyo
sat today
(and I'll admit, often when I sit in the morning, I am interrupted by a little voice begging to use my computer)

[Kyotai]

Id like to say for starters, thank you for posting your thoughts on this Joyo, as I feel exactly the same way at times. I also started a thread on the subject twice but couldn't put into words how I felt. I have been working through this for quite a while myself.

To answer you directly, yes, I find it really difficult. I feel that I should be contributing more to forums, or reading the latest chapter ( I have not finished the last chapter, in fact moved on to Warners book). I also have not participated in a full zazenkai in a long time. (Any friday nights off I try to spend with the wife)....and to be honest, I have some guilt of not doing more charity work as of lately.

But.....it is a balance. Family life, personal time, work, zen studies...I believe that if I focused more on participating in every zazenkai, and reading every book, and following every single forum post, that other parts of my life would have to suffer...which may lead to strain and falling out of that balance.

I believe if you are striking a balance that works for you, which includes daily zazen practice, then that IS enough. I think maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself and trying to live up to what you think you SHOULD be doing. You are a great mom, doing the best you can to balance it all. Just keep doing that. We finish each post on trealeaf with "Sat Today"

"Sat Today" sometimes is enough.

Thank you for your practice.

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat Today

[Jishin]

Hi Joyo,

I practice by being selfish. I must practice. Fortunately I have an understanding and supportive family that picks up the slack.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Ryo Do]

Thank you so much for bringing that topic up!
Being a "late" father (my daughter was born when I was 47 and she's just turned 5), I often feel lacking the strength and energy I had when I was younger, especially not getting enough sleep (which has been the usual state of affairs these last five years) comes really hard for me now.
Since my daughter has a very light sleep, I had to give up morning sits altogether because she would inevitably wake up too. Also, I stopped attending sesshin in brick and mortar zendos because I just felt too exhausted to manage a weekend or even a week of "real" zen practice - and, as you all have said, that's the worst part of it, the feeling that I'm not really practicing the way it's supposed to be.
But then, yes, that's a lot of "shoulds" and feelings of guilt and inadequacy, which is really not what zen is about.
Furthermore, I'm struggling with serious bouts of depression, which often is about the same things PLUS the feeling to fail to be a good father and spouse also...
So, I just had to change my standards if I wanted to survive - sit at least once a day, remember the presence various times during the day, that is what I CAN do and that's what I'm focusing on now.
Sorry for writing so much, but this subject is really close to my heart.

Gassho
Ryo Do who sat today

[Tb]

Hi.

Yes its all good practice, but as far as i know we can't split ourselves, so we have to prioritize.
There is a choice on which path our practice takes, none of them are bad, but there is a choice.
Sometimes we choose, sometimes someone else chooses, sometimes we have no choice at all...

Nevertheless, no matter which choice we make, we do the best we can.

Now, as you know i have a hectic life, made even more hectic with Noah but made even more hectic with an new job who steals more off my time and effort..
One of the hardest things of having a life that means i sometimes has to prioritize means i have to "disappoint" friends as i have to prioritize away things that they want done as i have to do other things first. I do the best i can always, but its not always enough.
Now, as to how i deal with things like reading, sewing, writing, meditating?
One at a time.
I let the things be done when they are ready. A good "doing" should be like a tune, but played seriously. Not tense, but ready. Ready for whatever may come. And when there is an opportunity, I do not play. It plays all by itself.
That, and also a good, supportive family, stubborness, late nights and lack of sleep.

Thank you all for your practice.

Mtfbwy
Fugen

#Sat2day

[Shugen]

Hi Joyo,

Great advice here! What helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed is to try and remember that it's not always going to be the way it is now. Nothing is permanent. Words like "never" or "always" don't help me. Flexibility is key. Some weeks, things work well. Some weeks, things don't work well. It's exactly like sitting - some days it's all blue skies, some days it's all clouds. But to quote someone, it's all good practice.

Gassho,

Shugen

#sattoday


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Daitetsu]

Hi Joyo,

Everyone is in a different situation, so there is no patent remedy that works in any case.

I just made the decision to give my daughter priority over practice. Always. Because as a freelancer I already have to balance work and life.
I have learned to be less demanding with regards to my practice. E.g. 20 mins zazen is always possible - I don't have a fix time for that, I do it mostly at night when all are asleep, or in the morning when my daugther is in school.
In the past I used to read 2 - 3 books per week. Nowadays, I am content with reading 30 mins in the evening.

So by letting go of my ambitions concerning practice, I also let go of a bad conscience for doing "not enough" for it.
And sometimes there is still time for more, and that's a nice bonus.
I also focus on practice in everyday life - you already mentioned that yourself.

I also have a niece and a nephew, and I remember well how things were when they were born. Today they are 18 and 22 years old, respectively. And I was shocked how fast time flew by.
I know very well that the day will come my daughter prefers playing with her friends instead of me. When she does not want to cuddle anymore. When she prefers to be alone.
When this day comes (and it WILL come for sure), it will be pretty hard for me. However, until that day comes I swore to myself to use every opportunity to spend time with her.

So my humble advice is to reduce demands with regards to your practice, for one day you will have more time for it anyway (and then you won't be able to turn back time to spend more time with your child).
You cannot buy time.

Sounds all pathetic, I guess, but that's me.

On a more practical side, I can only recommend Leo Babauta's books and blog:

http://zenhabits.net/archives/

He is not a Zen Buddhist as the name of the blog might suggest, but there is some really useful stuff to find. AFAIR this guy has five (!) children and he writes from this perspective.

Anyways, hope you found this useful.

Gassho,

Daitetsu

#sat2day

[Bokusei]

Practicing Zen when also a busy parent

Thank you Joyo,

You echo my thoughts. I have two young girls (2 1/2 and 8months) and I find it very hard to do more anything more formal than sit for 15 - 20 mins a day. Even that is tricky as even though I get up an hour earlier than I 'need' so I can practice zazen, they frequently wake up just as I'm about to sit. In the evenings I'm so knackered (bit of British slang for you there) zazen is basically a battle to stay awake.

There is no way I can take the the time to join the zazenkai. Like you, I listen to Dharma talks and the Treeleaf podcast when I cook dinner most nights and read a little before sleep.

I too feel like I am not formally engaged with the practice as much as I would like. But as far as I'm concerned the point of Buddhism is not to sit, or chant or read dharma books but to live life as awake as possible. These are tools to help realise this. I know this could be seen as contradicting the 'sit for it's own sake' essence of zazen, but I don't feel it is. When I sit, I do so without the hope of attaining anything, but I 'follow' Zen Buddhism to live a more aware life. Obviously I am a million miles away from achieving that, but every passing moment offers an opportunity to strive for achieving that ideal. That is the real practice.

Just my opinion.

Gassho

Bokusei

Actually managed to sit twice today for once



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[Jakuden]

Oh Joyo, I can't give you much good advice unfortunately because what I practice with the most are probably feelings of guilt, frustration, and unworthiness. Once the kids came along, I always seemed to feel like there wasn't ever enough time to do anything "right" including parenting. My entire family and myself have ADHD, seriously, so it feels sometimes like we are the most disorganized, dysfunctional family on the planet... I tend to practice really hard and well for awhile, then fall off into working hard at my business for awhile, in between always trying to stay caught up on what's going on with my kids, etc. Nothing ever feels really in balance, but I try not to let anything completely disappear off the radar. Even when practice is "sidelined" a bit, meaning I'm not making the Zazenkai or keeping up with the reading or whatever, I am definitely practicing the eightfold path as best I can and getting in my sits every day. It is what it is! I do know you won't ever regret a minute you spend with your kids, regardless of whether it sidelines practice or anything else you need to do... Treeleaf is always here with its discussions and recorded sits... but the moments with the kids will pass and not always come again. Anyway, you are a great Mom to your boys and are always here for us on the forum, I always feel your presence... I'm sure you will have more time to become involved if you wish when they get older (and then there will be Treeleaf's 20th anniversary Zazenathon!)

Sorry about the long jumbled post, hope it makes some sense.

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday

[Rich]

It all goes by so fast anyway so just slow down and be present for whatever. I remember when my children were growing up I sat once a day early in the morning before work but there were gaps. We just keep beginning again and muddle through. It's ok, this is not a competition.

SAT today

[Mp]

What helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed is to try and remember that it's not always going to be the way it is now. Nothing is permanent. Words like "never" or "always" don't help me. Flexibility is key. Some weeks, things work well. Some weeks, things don't work well. It's exactly like sitting - some days it's all blue skies, some days it's all clouds. But to quote someone, it's all good practice.

Hey there Joyo,

Thank you for stepping out and sharing, you gave asked a great question. There is some wonderful advice here and much better then I could give, but I do like what Shugen had to say. Be patient and kind with yourself and know you are doing the best you can with what you have - balance will come and show the efforts of your hard work and practice. =)

Gassho
Shingen

s@today

[Joyo]

Thank you everyone. This sounds all mushy but your posts are all very precious to me.

I'm going to spend the evening enjoying my kids tonight and that will be my practice for now.

They are getting older, my 10-yr-old told me he doesn't want me to sit beside him anymore while he falls asleep (this is something I have done on and off ever since he was a newborn) Made me sad, but also made me realize I need to relax and enjoy more.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Getchi]

Awesome thread and wonderful concept! I'll contribute more when my kids are asleep

As far as your son, he doesn't know what he wants, none of us do lol. I'm sure hell ask you to sit with him but less frequently. I'm going through the same thing ATM with bedtime singing

One thing that helps me is Dogens Immo. To be a person of the Now, be a person OF now. Like Fugen said "you can't split yourself", I tink that's what we are all here to "remember", yes?

Also we can't know what time actually is. As the present doesn't "go to" the past and the future is never now, they can only be concepts. Just one loooong "now". I think maybe we confuse the labels of time and space, we all progress through space from "here" to "there" but time is the actual "stuff" of the universe.

So what we do as parents is extra potent, we see our most cherished people grow we cannot deny that our entire life up to now is in this second as memory and that an getting older can actually let us feel our youth

Anyway, lots of words to say support your doubt with compassion for everyone, self included, and enjoy this one unique experience that ends all too soon xxx


Geoff
SatToday


Please feel more then welcome to correct my barbarian thinking, its how we grow