Survivor's Guilt

[Jeremy]

Take care, dude!

Jeremy
st

[pinoybuddhist]

My first love died last week. My best friend from high school died a couple years ago. Many others I have know have also died over the years, but these two really hurt, especially this last one. These were my contemporaries. I remember them as healthy and vivid able-bodied people who, compared to their disabled friend (me) had bright and long futures ahead of them. I knew them when there were serious questions of living at all due to all the medical issues I was going through, nonetheless how long I might live. I never in a million years would have guessed that I am still alive at 57, partly because of all I have gone through and partly because disabled people like myself tend not to have very long lives. My body is a broken down mess. I am just coming back from a week-long illness that had me on the verge of calling 911 I felt so bad. And here it is that I have outlived them! It makes no sense. How is it that I am still alive and they are not? Why? Something seems very wrong about this.

My mom said it's because I am doing God's work and that I am special. But I don't buy any of that for even one minute; it's just not true. Everyone is special, and everyone is doing God's work, in my Buddhist view. So her answers, while very mom-ishly meant as helpful, offer no comfort and my questions linger.

Why do I even want comfort? What would meaningful comfort for my suffering even look like? I don't know. All I have right now are questions, such seems my existence in the face of these sad events. And Buddhism tells me that's okay. Just live the questions. If there are any answers, live life to reveal them. And if not, then live life anyway. I saw the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon below a couple weeks ago and thought of it as I have been dealing with my questions. Substitute out reincarnation for anything I am asking and the final panel still works, because it doesn't really matter so much what the questions are as it does about living life, so I just keep steering the best I can.



Thanks for letting me share my small problem about life's passage.

This is one of the times I want to reach out and hug the poster. Thank you for sharing. Metta to you.

Gassho, Raf
Sat today

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[KellyRok]

Hi Alan,

I'm so very sorry for your losses. It's okay to feel whatever you feel and ask whatever questions you must ask. I wish I had the answers, or could offer something more than "I'm sorry." All I know is that for whatever reason, you ARE still here with the rest of us. I'm thankful for that, for you, your presence here.

Having recently experienced a very profound loss of my own, my only advice is LIVE your best life in honor of those you love and have lost. Live for them, because of them...allow their memory to live through you. What better way to honor them?

I second what Raf said, moments like these require a good hug. Please rest and take care of yourself and know we are here for you.

Deepest sympathies
Kelly/Jinmei

[Kyonin]

Thank you.

Gassho,

Kyonin
#SatToday

One important lesion I have learned over the years regarding the loss of friends and family is the importance of acceptance and letting go, saying goodbye. Sounds too simple, not right? Letting go and saying goodbye is a gift you can give your friends or family who are on the verge of death and to yourself. If you have the opportunity to be with someone you love when they are near death, realize they know they are leaving, instead of denying the passage, embrace them and allow them to go with love and you to move on without the baggage of guilt and “what if’s”. This mind set also works for friends and family you were not with at their passing. Simply take time to visualize them and say goodbye. I was taught this process by a PTSD councilor who was helping a group of Rangers deal with the certain impending death of one of our own. It helped us through the difficult time and his wife let us know this support and acceptance eased his passing. For what it is worth, think about it.
Peace

SAT TODAY

[AlanLa]

Well, now I know what comfort (aka taking refuge in the sangha) looks like. Many bows to you all as your responses brought me to tears. There is a memorial service for her on the 27th, and I will get some closure then.

On a related side note: A former student of mine recently lost his life to cancer at the way too young age of only 32. As he was struggling and the end was clearly near, his wife posted on Facebook that the next time someone told her this was "God's will" that person was going to get punched in the face! Explanations, no matter how physical or metaphysical, cannot heal wounds. Explaining the physics behind a cut on my finger does nothing to heal my finger, just as explaining the metaphysics of death to the living does nothing to heal the living. At best, all such explanations can do is apply a bandage to cover it so the healing can take place underneath. There is nothing wrong with this for small injuries, I suppose, but big issues like cancer and death cannot be bandaged over very well with platitudes. Well, many seem to find comfort in this practice, but not me and my former student's wife, among many others. In any case, I believe our practice is to go under the bandages and work directly with our injuries in order to facilitate meaningful healing, and one way we do this is through zazen, and another way is to take refuge in the sangha. Thank you again.

[Myosha]

Hello,

Realizing the practice does help.


Gassho
Myosha sat today

[Kaishin]

All I can say, Al, is that we are all on the sled, right there with you! Now you just steer, okay?!

Good to hear from you. I hope you can find some peace in this sadness.

-satToday

[Seido]

It is the impermanence of life that makes it so uniquely beautiful. If we, as humans lived forever there would be no meaning in this world. A summer breeze, the sweet smell of a flower, a laugh with a friend, a good meal. If we had unlimited moments of these, they would lose their luster. It is becasue they're limited that they have worth.

Your love, your friend, your student all blessed you with their presence and memories of them. They're not gone, they are a part of you, a part of us, they are you, you are us. Remember them well and be their champion. When you do not wish to sit zazen, sit zazen simply becasue they no longer can. Live fully in each moment not only for you, but for them as well. Do good deeds in their name. Use their death as a gift of fuel to motivate you in your life.

Let me respectfully remind you,
Life and death are of supreme importance,
Time swiftly passes and opportunity is lost,
Each one of us must strive to awaken,
Take heed, do not squander your life.

Gassho,
Seidō
SatToday

[Byokan]

It makes no sense. How is it that I am still alive and they are not? Why? Something seems very wrong about this.

Hi Al,

I’ve been away so am late to this thread but wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you are getting through okay, day by day.

You’re right that it makes no sense. I mean it does but it doesn’t. Life is not granted on the basis of merit, or fairness, or logic, or democracy. It seems really random when we lose people from accident or illness. Some seem to get more life than they “deserve” and others seem to not get their fair share. Why? Just because. A million things come together to create every moment, every breath, all that arises and all that passes.

I think it does make sense, but maybe not in a way that thought can understand. The brain asks why and wants an explanation. Maybe take the question away from the brain and give it to the heart for awhile, see if that works any better. The heart abides. The heart finds meaning; in love, and especially in gratitude, and in honoring that which never dies. The brain doesn’t handle pain so well; the heart can embrace it and transform it.

Old age, sickness and death are everywhere, all the time, but we only really notice when they come close to us. I’ve lost a fair few people this past year, and I have a friend who’s really ill right now. If I could gift someone a year of my life I would, if I could share my health with my sick friend I would, in a heartbeat. But it doesn’t work that way. Likewise, it does no good to beat yourself up and feel guilty for being alive; it doesn’t help you, and it doesn’t help anyone else. But grief is like that... it's all part of it, and we all share this experience sooner or later. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself as you go through these emotions.

It’s not wrong that you are here. It is wonderful, and it’s right. You belong here, now, on this earth; this is your time. And your Mom is right about this at least: you are special. Absolutely unique and essential to this universe. It’s okay to be here, and it’s okay to be happy about being here. Even now, while you grieve and honor the loss of your loved ones.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

[Judith del Carmen]

Alanla a big huge.

Gassho
Sat today