Survivor's Guilt

[AlanLa]

My first love died last week. My best friend from high school died a couple years ago. Many others I have know have also died over the years, but these two really hurt, especially this last one. These were my contemporaries. I remember them as healthy and vivid able-bodied people who, compared to their disabled friend (me) had bright and long futures ahead of them. I knew them when there were serious questions of living at all due to all the medical issues I was going through, nonetheless how long I might live. I never in a million years would have guessed that I am still alive at 57, partly because of all I have gone through and partly because disabled people like myself tend not to have very long lives. My body is a broken down mess. I am just coming back from a week-long illness that had me on the verge of calling 911 I felt so bad. And here it is that I have outlived them! It makes no sense. How is it that I am still alive and they are not? Why? Something seems very wrong about this.

My mom said it's because I am doing God's work and that I am special. But I don't buy any of that for even one minute; it's just not true. Everyone is special, and everyone is doing God's work, in my Buddhist view. So her answers, while very mom-ishly meant as helpful, offer no comfort and my questions linger.

Why do I even want comfort? What would meaningful comfort for my suffering even look like? I don't know. All I have right now are questions, such seems my existence in the face of these sad events. And Buddhism tells me that's okay. Just live the questions. If there are any answers, live life to reveal them. And if not, then live life anyway. I saw the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon below a couple weeks ago and thought of it as I have been dealing with my questions. Substitute out reincarnation for anything I am asking and the final panel still works, because it doesn't really matter so much what the questions are as it does about living life, so I just keep steering the best I can.



Thanks for letting me share my small problem about life's passage.

[Jakuden]

I'm so sorry about your losses, and will sit with you in your grief. I could be wrong, but I think somehow or other we all ended up here at Treeleaf because of the suffering these type of questions bring us. As you said, the answers involving God never seemed to ring true or satisfy. Seeking comfort does not satisfy. All we can do is sit together and find the Gratitude with a big "G" for each moment we have, and let the "why" thoughts go. I love Calvin and Hobbes!!

Gassho,
Jakuden
Will sit with you today

[Rich]

It's. A mystery. The most important thing is you are alive in all its glory.

I understand, I'm older and occasionally wonder where have all the flowers gone.

But the child in me plays on.

SAT today

[Kyonin]

Hi Jigen,

I am sorry for your loses. Life is what is and the more we try to rationalize, the more suffering we face sometimes. Just be with what is and in time pain and guilt may wash away.

We are always here for you.

Gassho,

Kyonin
#SatToday

[Mp]

I too am sorry for your loses. Life can be both beautiful and sad ... be kind and gentle with yourself and allow yourself to just be with what arises. Sending much metta your way.

Gassho
Shingen




Sent from my mobile, cause I am out & about! =)

[Doshin]

It's. A mystery. The most important thing is you are alive in all its glory.

I understand, I'm older and occasionally wonder where have all the flowers gone.

But the child in me plays on.

SAT today

Your questions likely resonate with many in this beautiful world we share. I too am older and find Rich's words capture my view.

Doshin
Sattoday

[Jakugan]

So sorry to hear what happened.

May you be well in all your ills.

Gassho,

Jakugan,

Sat today

[Myosha]

Metta to all.


Gassho
Myosha sat today

[Kyotai]

Alan. I'm sorry for the loss of your friends. As Kyonin said, we are all here. This is your life, keep steering the best you can.

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat today

[Risho]

Alan thank you for sharing. I have no words; I just wish you the best; my heart truly goes out to you; I'm thankful we are all sharing the voyage together.

Gassho

Risho
-sattoday

[Jundo]

I will sit for your friends, their families and for you.

Yes, we sit with the questions. Perhaps it is God's will. Perhaps, in traditional Buddhist view, just the workings of Karma. Perhaps it is simply that they died first, the rest of us later.

It was the seeing of a a dead person, a sick person, an old person and a mendicant which first sent Shayamuni on his search for resolution ... and he found it, seeing through all that. There is no birth or death.

Nonetheless, our hearts break.

I tell very often the story of my first Zen Teacher in Japan, Azuma Roshi of Sojiji ...

I remember how shocked I was when I saw Azuma Roshi, my first "real Japanese Zen Master", crying one day soon after his wife died. I had just come to Japan, and thought Zen teachers were supposed to be above all that. I said to him directly (and a bit coldly) "I thought 'life and death' are but a dream, so why are you crying?" He responded, "Life and death are but a dream. I am crying because loved wife died."

Stupid, foolish me. Death is like a dream ... but a sometimes very bitter dream.

To feel grief at the death of someone we love, even great and prolonged grief, is natural to the human condition.

We cry with joy, we are joyous amid our tears.

May I recommend that you sit our Zen Talk for this Month's "Parinirvana" remembrance, and perhaps conduct such a ritual this week for your friends?

Announcement: Parinirvana Memorial & Zazenkai 2016

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?14183-Announcement-Parinirvana-Memorial-Zazenkai-2016

February 6th, 2016 - SPECIAL "NEHAN-E" 4-hour ZAZENKAI!

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?14198-February-6th-2016-SPECIAL-NEHAN-E-4-hour-ZAZENKAI%21

Audio Podcast of Talk:

http://treeleaf.podbean.com/e/february-2016-zazenkai-talk-special-nehan-e-4-hour-zazenkai/

The Talk featured so-called "Death Poems" (or are they "Life Poems"? "No Death Poems"?) such as this ...

A tune of non-being
Filling the void:
Spring sun
Snow whiteness
Bright clouds
Clear wind.

Gassho, J

SatToday

[lorax]

One important lesion I have learned over the years regarding the loss of friends and family is the importance of acceptance and letting go, saying goodbye. Sounds too simple, not right? Letting go and saying goodbye is a gift you can give your friends or family who are on the verge of death and to yourself. If you have the opportunity to be with someone you love when they are near death, realize they know they are leaving, instead of denying the passage, embrace them and allow them to go with love and you to move on without the baggage of guilt and “what if’s”. This mind set also works for friends and family you were not with at their passing. Simply take time to visualize them and say goodbye. I was taught this process by a PTSD councilor who was helping a group of Rangers deal with the certain impending death of one of our own. It helped us through the difficult time and his wife let us know this support and acceptance eased his passing. For what it is worth, think about it.
Peace

SAT TODAY

[Jundo]

One important lesion I have learned over the years regarding the loss of friends and family is the importance of acceptance and letting go, saying goodbye. Sounds too simple, not right? Letting go and saying goodbye is a gift you can give your friends or family who are on the verge of death and to yourself. If you have the opportunity to be with someone you love when they are near death, realize they know they are leaving, instead of denying the passage, embrace them and allow them to go with love and you to move on without the baggage of guilt and “what if’s”. This mind set also works for friends and family you were not with at their passing. Simply take time to visualize them and say goodbye. I was taught this process by a PTSD councilor who was helping a group of Rangers deal with the certain impending death of one of our own. It helped us through the difficult time and his wife let us know this support and acceptance eased his passing. For what it is worth, think about it.
Peace

SAT TODAY

When I read this, a friend who passed this year came into my heart and I began to cry a little. Lovely.

Gassho, J

SatToday

[Nindo]

Alan thank you for sharing. I have no words; I just wish you the best; my heart truly goes out to you; I'm thankful we are all sharing the voyage together.

Gassho

Risho
-sattoday

What Risho said. There is always loss, no matter what age. May we be gentle with each other, may you be well.

Gassho
Nindo

[Eishuu]

I'm sorry for your recent losses. It sounds like you've been really ill as well. As to meaningful comfort, maybe just give yourself the space to feel what you are feeling and be with what's happened. The only 'answer' I can think of in the face of impermanence is compassion. Thank you for sharing.

Gassho
Lucy
sat today