Sitting through grief

[Rezdogdad]

I recently lost two dogs in the last month and a half. For context, I consider my dogs members of my family, and I'm experiencing incredible grief at their passing. When I can bring myself to sit, which is not often, my mind just keeps coming back to the loss and the grief. It's so emotionally painful I'm unable to sit for very long.

Has anyone else experienced this obstacle? Any thoughts on sitting through the grief?

Thank you, and deep Gasshos,

Eric/Shoho

[Ishin]

Much Metta to you on the loss of your furry friends. I myself am quite fond of my cat. I am not qualified to answer your question on "sitting" through grief, but you might want to consider getting some counseling, exercising or some other therapeutic approach to healing this. They all have their place too.
Gassho, and condolences
C

[Entai]

Shoho,
I am so sorry for your loss. It's terribly hard to lose a loved one. I lost a 4-legged family member last year and it still hurts. Sitting with it and letting the thoughts go isn't easy. My only real advice (for what it's worth) is to be kind to yourself. Much metta.

Gassho, Entai

[Dosho]

Eric,

So sorry to hear this. I lost a beloved pet late last year and it still affects me greatly. All I can say, just as a fellow Treeleafer, not so much as a priest in training, is to feel the emotions fully. If you need to stop sitting to cry, do so. Still when you can. It's ok.

Much metta to you and to all who were touched by your companions. Much metta to all who suffer from a broken heart.

Gassho,
Dosho

[Amelia]

So sorry, Shoho. I love my dog, too. He's so sweet, smart, and well behaved. It will be really tough when it's his time.

I have felt intense grief for long periods after a few deaths, but I was not practicing at the time, so I do not know what advice I can offer, but I am giving you and your dogs. my metta

[Risho]

I recently lost two dogs in the last month and a half. For context, I consider my dogs members of my family, and I'm experiencing incredible grief at their passing. When I can bring myself to sit, which is not often, my mind just keeps coming back to the loss and the grief. It's so emotionally painful I'm unable to sit for very long.

Has anyone else experienced this obstacle? Any thoughts on sitting through the grief?

Thank you, and deep Gasshos,

Eric/Shoho

Ah a fellow dog lover! I have 2 dogs, used to have 3; she was our middle child My wife and I don't have kids, but we have dogs. They are definitely part of the family, and they add so much. When we board them, if we have to go on trips, when we come home, prior to picking them up, the apartment is just empty.

A couple of years ago, during Jukai practice actually during the period when I was sewing the Rakusu we had to euthanize our middle dog. She was only 8, and it was crushing. She had what appeared to be a seizure when getting excited from the doorbell. It turned out she had anemia from a mystery disease that prevented her from creating red blood cells. It was immediate, and we were completely helpless.

What made it extremely difficult is that unlike humans, we didn't have health insurance so we had to basically decide when to stop the path we were on; we just couldn't afford to continue. But I still feel we made the right decision; even if we spent thousands and thousands on chemo it would have only given her 6 months. And she was on anti-cancer meds which weren't helping at all.

I remember sitting zazen, tears streaming down. I did what you did; I posted something here and asked for metta; the sangha really helps by the way during these times. And so does practice. Sit with your grief.. really don't avoid it. Don't feed it, but just sit there and live through it. That's what I've learned.

We also held a "Buddhist funeral" with her ashes. We have them in an urn, with a pawprint on it; I lit some incense and candles, and my wife, sis-in law and I all chanted the heart sutra. It was beautiful.

But I'm telling you, and it's not cliche', they leave prints on our hearts forever.

I hope you find strength and find some new friends soon, which will never replace them of course, but I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Gassho,

Risho

[Taigu]

I sat through my last divorce sewing and sitting night and day. I sat with flood of tears and moments of laughter. Beware though, one doesn't sit to heal or process the pain, to escape it or indulge in a self pity binge, one sit with and in the very pain, without manipulating it or judging it. This is a very important point. Practice is useless and zazen is not meant to facilitate our petty pretty small goals. My wife back then ran away with another bloke, your dogs are now dead. We take it raw.And sit .Please, don't escape and every time come back to sitting. Put your mind in the left palm or gently feel your spine going up. Take a deep breath and come back to this.



Take it easy too, have a stroll, sleep, hug your friends or trees or moments you meet.



Gassho

Taigu

PS: Risho said it all.

[Mp]

Hello Eric,

First off I am so very sorry for your lose. Like others I to have experienced this and know how hard it can be. In 2011 I lost my best friend Charlie ... he was my family and my whole life for 18yrs. In my heart I knew the time was coming and that helped me prepare; to some degree. When he was gone I cried and cried ... I felt empty and alone.

I have to say the thing that helped me the most was sitting. Sitting allowed me to be with my pain and lose through and through. When I sat I cried and I smiled ... sitting truly gave me the time, the break from life to walk this path and this path alone.

Be kind to yourself Eric and know we are here for you ... Much metta my friend. =)

Deep bows
Shingen

[Kyonin]

Hi Eric.

Sitting through difficult situations is part of life. Just as we embrace joy and happiness, we embrace pain and loss.

Like the other wise people here have said, all you can do is to sit and be diligent about it. In time pain will wash away and you'll be grateful two wonderful beings shared their life with yours.

We are always here.

Gassho,

Kyonin

[WokiTheCat]

Hi, I lost two Pugs a few years ago. Yoshi and paddington. At one time my girlfriend of 5 years left me for another man, which left me broken, and I remember sitting in my kitchen feeling sorry for myself and worrying about what the future held for me and my pugs, where would we move? what should we do? At that moment I looked over at my pug and he was enjoying a bone so much that he was totally oblivious to my pain and worries of our future. Totally oblivious to a past/future that i so much believed in.He was just bathing in this moment of reality and for a moment I too was free. It struck me.Since than I've always considered them my little zen masters, and quite often I will sit in honour of them, I owe them that.

Gassho
Misha

[Troy]

I don't I have anything to add as far as advice that has not been said, just want wish you peace and send you a big virtual hug. :-)

[Jundo]

Hi Eric,

Yes, those little sentient beings ... We buried our cat in the back field this month.

I am with what all the wise folks said. Just sit, just cry. Maybe there is some light to be felt amid the tears and pain. If you can, just let the grief be the grief ... just as we let the mountain be the mountain and the window the window. There s a light which shines through each. Let the grief and sadness just be grieving and sadness. When there is hurting, just hurt. There is a Peace that holds all the shattered pieces of a broken heart, always present although often hidden like the sun by clouds.

As was mentioned, Zen Practice does not preclude other measures to deal with grief, such as support groups. However, grieving is a natural process when we are apart from those we love. The Buddha's early lists of what constitutes " Dukkha" dissatisfaction and suffering includes "separation from the loved". It is not only for people.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sacca/sacca1/

Gassho, J

[Daitetsu]

Dear Shoho,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know what you must be going through right now, as I also had a tragic experience in the past and was simply devastated.
So many wise words here, all I can say is: give yourself time, allow yourself to feel the grief fully. Don't try to suppress anything.
Try to remember the good times, don't focus exclusively on the last days.

And when you have a moment of peace, try to remember that nothing really ends - there are just transitions.

I wish you much strength during this time.
Take care,

Gassho,

Daitetsu

[Rezdogdad]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughtful advice. I'm kind of self-conscious about talking about how I feel about my dogs, since many - maybe most - folks are confused or dismissive of the strength of the bond. So I really appreciate all the metta and condolences even though my friends weren't human. Pain is pain, as far as I can tell.

Deep gashho,

Eric/Shoho

[Joyo]

Hello Eric, I too am an animal lover, so I understand the pain. I have had some very deep hurts recently due to my parents words and actions. I too have sat with the pain, even cried while I join in with our evening google plus sittings. Sat with pain, with a racing mind, sat through it all. I can't say it's an easy fix, grief never is. And as Taigu mentioned, sitting is not even with a specific goal of fixing the pain. But, speaking from my own experiences, it does help you to treat the pain differently. Thich Nhat Hahn talks about our suffering in this youtube video. This especially spoke to my heart "The practice commanded by the Buddha, go home to yourself, get in touch with it (your suffering), hold is dearly, listen deeply, so you can understand it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fecndNddbPI

Much metta to you as you grieve the loss of your beloved dog.

Gassho,
Joyo