How not to feel sorry for yourself?

[ghop]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

This has inspired me to take up my practice anew. Not with some idealistic, determined military sense about it. But out of remembering, and experiencing, the freedom it can bring, and the aliveness of life when lived outside of the limiting sphere of complaint!

Are you aware of how many beautiful things come out of your mouth?

As in the mouth, so in the heart.

Being inspired by our suffering to "take up our practice anew" is the point, isn't it? Then suffering turns into something useful, something to open our hearts rather than shut us down.

I have enjoyed having a window into your journey here on Treeleaf. Thank you for being brave enough, no, thank you for being hungry enough for the truth, that you would expose yourself, all of yourself, here for us
to see. As a result, I have learned alot about myself. Truly you are a bodhisattva.

Enjoy your journey.

gassho
Greg

[Jiken]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Stephanie,

I'm impressed with your honesty and willingness to share. You are stronger than you think you are. No advice but I am thinking good things for you as i'm sure many many others are.

Mike

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

I am touched and honored by what everyone has shared here. You all have given wonderful feedback, but what has helped more than anything is the perspective, and reminder, that this is something everyone experiences from time to time, regardless of the circumstances of their lives.

My second job interview went well, but I won't know if I am being offered the position for another week or two. I feel almost exactly like I felt the last time--that from what I was told, I'm practically a shoo-in. But that's how I felt last time! So we'll see. If I do get offered the position, it seems it will be a more stressful job, but it also offers some perks the last potential job did not. I am hopeful, because I am ready to start a new life!

The main thing is that my attitude and perspective have changed, thanks in no small part to the feedback and support I have found here. I have been sitting zazen some more, and really reckoning with myself. What kind of life do I want to have? One in which I am constantly competing, comparing, trying to climb up the ladder, or one where I can slow down and appreciate the textures, moods, and tastes, of each passing day?

I remembered so vividly it was almost a flashback the way I used to enter each day when I was in college. I was much more capable of immersing myself in experiences and fully enjoying them, simple things such as going for a walk in a botanical garden or sitting in my room with candles lit. I have over time become much more rushed and restless. I think many factors have influenced this, and living in the New York metro area for three years was no small part. I was even consciously aware then of how much more aggressive I was becoming, and didn't like it.

Regardless, I realized that it's not so difficult to shift my attitude. I moved back to this part of the country for many reasons, but one was the ability to return to a slower pace of life, which has always suited my temperament better. And I realize... I don't have to live the way I lived in New York any more. Each day can be more simple and relaxed, with more palpable light and space.

A lot of times we can try to "psych" ourselves up like this and end up in some fake, forced posture, when we really don't feel any differently. But I'm not doing this, trying to suppress what I feel. I just truly experienced a shift... I think a lot of it was realizing that life isn't as... compressed as it was in New York. And I'm free to drop a lot of the defensive posturing I developed up there. There is no rush.

The really relevant practice part of all this is seeing how much the felt experience of daily life bends to my thinking. As has happened many times over in my life, I have experienced a reaffirmation of the Buddha's most basic teaching of the Four Noble Truths. I was really moved when I finally watched the PBS special on 'The Buddha.' Even though none of it was something I was hearing for the first time, it struck me at the right time, and I realized... I have a choice. We all have a choice. We can take up the path at any point, or we can forget it. I so often forget it.

So often, I get right up off the cushion and right back into compulsive activity and complaining. What is the point of reading and hearing so much Dharma teaching, and sitting, if I abandon the wisdom gained and do not apply or practice it? This has inspired me to take up my practice anew. Not with some idealistic, determined military sense about it. But out of remembering, and experiencing, the freedom it can bring, and the aliveness of life when lived outside of the limiting sphere of complaint!

Thank you to all, and gassho.

[Kaishin]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Stephanie,

I'd like to offer a different perspective. You seem to be reaching for some place "beyond" the negativity and despair you are feeling now. But the problem is, "wherever you go...there you are." I don't think that even if you found the perfect job, perfect mate, perfect city, that you would necessarily shake this problem. As Nate noted, these mental "ruts" have been created in the brain, and external changes will likely make no difference.

Let me share this. I have a wonderful job, high paying, amazing benefits, flexible hours, and about the best boss you could ask for. I have a fantastic wife who I love and who loves me dearly. We have been together for over a decade now. I have two healthy, beautiful daughters; couldn't ask for better kids. I have a handful of very close friends that I depend on without question. My entire immediate family and most of my extended family live nearby, and we see everyone regularly. My biological parents are still married after 40 years and have given me nothing but love and support my entire life.

Sounds perfect? It is, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

And yet... my mind is much like yours. I think of myself as a good man, full of patience and equinimity and boundless compassion.

But that's a lie. I suffer from anxiety. I'm irritable and bitter. I judge others constantly and superficially. I get mad at those around me for no reason. I have trouble getting myself out of bed in the morning. I feel sorry for myself constantly. I "want something better."


So... I don't have any good answers for you, other than to say it really is all in the mind, and not dependent so much on external factors.

I guess I just want you to know that I completely empathize with those feelings, even though our situations are completely different.

I hope my biographical sketch didn't come off as ridiculously arrogant--my point was just to demonstrate that even having "the good life" doesn't necessarily make life good.

I hope you can find some peace. And if you find it, please share it!

Take care,
Matt

[AlanLa]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Yes, what makes us "perfect" is all the "imperfections" along the way.

[Heisoku]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Thank you Taigu...all our errors and misfortunes could be construed as a means that brings us to our true path.
I know I would go through all the pain and suffering again to be in the 'here and now' with the people I am in the 'here and now' with, doing what I am doing and not doing.
It's hard to explain, when you cannot see the end to misery... but ....the universe may not always give you what you want but it nearly always gives you what you need... even if that feels unfair at times.

[Nenka]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Stephanie:

What part of 'Life is suffering' don't you understand?

:mrgreen:

Gassho, Jennifer

[ghop]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Stephanie,

What would happen if you stopped trying to change your life?

You would be free to enjoy it, ALL of it.

What if you stopped trying to change yourself, even your "bad" self?

Maybe you would fall in love the person you are left with.

Hope this helps.

gassho
Greg

[Taigu]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Thank you Stephanie for sharing and thank you all for these great teachings.
Not much to say. I have lost two marriages, jobs, friends, countless opportunities as I look back, no regret whatsoever. My life as imperfect as it is is exactly what I am satisfied with. Every mihap or accident along the way was just what was needed too.


gassho


Taigu

[Dokan]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

I feel so fortunate to know you all...thank you for all your openess and wonderful insight!

Deep bows,

Shawn

[Dojin]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

I admit i have not read all of the advice people have given here. but those i have read seem sound.
Stephanie i know how you feel since i have felt it myself many times and sometimes still do. i would like to give you an answer that will make it all clear and tolerable again. but alas we both know that there is nothing i could do or say to change it. what you feel is what you feel. you are right changing your perspective would probably make a difference but for some reason i have a feeling that is a long way coming. but what i can tell you is this, life is just life. i know it sounds like a pile of bullshit but it is true. you cant change the way you look at things by just wishing it so. it requires time and work. although you will be tempted to work really hard and do it fast i am reminded of a certain zen story i once read.

A martial arts student went to his teacher and said earnestly, "I am devoted to studying your martial system. How long will it take me to master it."
The teacher's reply was casual, "Ten years."
Impatiently, the student answered, "But I want to master it faster than that. I will work very hard. I will practice everyday, ten or more hours a day if I have to. How long will it take then?"
The teacher thought for a moment, "20 years."

i do not know what to tell you since i am just a human being with my own limited understanding and my own imperfections. but i tell you one thing i understand life is just that... it is life nothing more nothing less.
right now it is raining outside my window it is 2am in the morning and i will go sit zazen. i might even drift off and fall asleep. or i might fidget and wish for it to end. but i will sit it just as i do each day. i do it for no reason whatsoever but i just do it. sometimes i feel i have lost my love for zazen and i do nothing but sit and drift off in thought and my zazen is horrible. but i actually learned to let it be. no matter what is going on i might be angry or i might be happy i just sit and no matter what happens or what i think i just let it be and accept it as what it is nothing more, nothing less.

so i guess what im trying to say Stephanie, is hang in there and just let it be. i wish we were closer geographically so i could invite you to our place for some green tea, or even better a beer! because it seems to me that what you really need right now is someone to talk to and to listen to you over a drink without thinking of what people might think or the consequences of what you say.

Gassho, Dojin.

[Heisoku]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Al you are an inspiration.
Deep Gassho with great respect.

[AlanLa]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

On a lighter note, Stephanie, you can always use the technique demonstrated here by Bob Newhart as a way to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
https://<div class="videocontainer w... </a> </div>

[AlanLa]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Stephanie, some of this sounds very familiar to me. I am 52 years old with no romantic relationship. I haven’t had one in a long time and I have no prospects for one now, nor do I expect one anymore. All of my 20’s and 30’s, along with a good chunk of my 40’s, were spent watching (what seemed like) all the people around me get matched up, married, and moved on. I kept figuring my turn would come, but it never did. All I ever got was the heartache. Along that same timeframe I went from a lot of friends to a few to now maybe one. All of this drove me to despair. At some sneaky and undefined point my life became empty and barren, nothing at all what I ever expected, certainly not what I felt I deserved. Why should I have such an empty life when I was even more deserving of happiness than people not as good as me? Why should people who had not struggled the way I had for personal and relationship success get it but not me? But these questions are ultimately useless and unanswerable, to say nothing of selfish.

The real issue is this: how do you cope with such despair? A simple and dualistic answer is you can either escape life or engage it. Escape comes in external forms such as drugs and alcohol or internal forms such as negativity and judgmentalism – and I have done some of these things as well as others, all to no avail. Engaging the problem comes in the form of taking responsibility, examining your life, and taking active steps to change, all of which can be found in this practice. Ever since taking up this practice in my mid-40’s I have been moving away from escape towards engagement. It is my journey from samsara toward nirvana.

You are on a long road to a destination that is probably far away, but it sounds like you want to be there right NOW. It ain’t gonna happen. Focusing on the destination outcome keeps you stuck in suffering, but by focusing on the journey process you can begin to free yourself from that suffering. The more you ask “Am I there yet?” the more you and everyone else around you suffer and the bumpier the ride feels. But when you start saying “Hey, check out the scenery” the road begins to get smoother and the suffering begins to lessen. Note I did not say the suffering goes away, because that’s just crazy talk.

Progress on the journey will happen, but keep in mind it will likely be incremental progress. The going for me has been slow, and many times I have taken some steps backward before waking up to it and taking forward steps again. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to relearn that engagement works better than escape. There have been times I felt I would never learn that, but when I take the big perspective of where I was then to where I am now I can see that I am learning. Here are some things I have found to be helpful on my journey:
• Metta for myself, especially, but also making a point to include lots of others
• Sympathetic joy – learning to take pleasure in others good fortune
• Acceptance (of my life as it is) without acceptance (so that I can make a choice to change things or not)
• Taking responsibility instead of blaming anything external; even in the case of some random external event, I need to examine what role I played in it because me and the event are not two
• I am perfectly Alan right now, because what else could I be right now?
• Despite my “perfection” I can, and will, do better because the process of life allows me this opportunity
• Practice, practice, practice all of the above via zazen, living the precepts, Treeleaf activities, etc.

Finally, let’s deconstruct this idea that you deserve something, anything. Basically, feeling you deserve something is an ego game that is rigged against your life. Thinking about it in terms of gambling, your ego is playing a game that your life can never really win. At best, it’s what gamblers call a push. If your ego thinks you deserve something and you get it, then you’re even; it’s a push. If you are smart, you will walk away from the table right then. But if you start to congratulate yourself (ego) on getting what you (ego) felt you (ego) deserved then you (ego) start to think you (ego) deserve even more, so you (ego) play even more, until, ultimately, your life begins to suffer, because the game is rigged so that the house always wins in the end. Thus the more you play the “deserving” game, the more suffering you set yourself up for.

To think you deserve something is just an idea, a thought, and what does our practice tell us about our thoughts? To think you deserve something is just another form of delusion. Every time I start talking like that to myself I try to catch it and let it go. What happens happens, and that’s both the beginning and end of it.

Bon voyage, Stephanie, may your journey get smoother. I bet it wll.

[Keishin]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Stephanie:

I hope you can see what a rich field of practice you have--one we all can and do share! There is so much to respond to, I try to keep my reply succinct, but I keep finding one more thing, one more thing that wants to be said, for example in your response to Risho this just popped right out to me:

"it's just stupid, I'm making myself miserable and don't have to"


I would beg to differ. There is it's own wisdom in the behavior. To me, this is key.
I would examine this one backwards forwards up and down and inside out.
Such a koan!


Valentine's Day is coming soon....I'll tell you of a koan which naturally arose for me years ago when sitting with Jifu Gower: "When I say the words 'I love you,' who is the "I" and who is the "you"?

Maybe we should start a new thread "Koans naturally arising in daily life"?