How not to feel sorry for yourself?

[Keishin]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Jundo,

I chose not to quote the entire chant above. The version familiar to me is slightly different in translation than the one you provided, here it is for comparison sake:

Hakuin Zenji's Song of Zazen

All sentient beings are essentially Buddhas.
As with water and ice, there is no ice without water;
apart from sentient beings, there are no Buddhas.
Not knowing how close the truth is, we seek it far away--
what a pity!
We are like one who in the midst of water cries out desperately in thirst.
We are like the son of a rich man who wandered away among the poor.
The reason we transmigrate through the Six Realms is because we are lost
in the darkness of ignorance.
Going further and further astray in the darkness,
how can we ever be free from birth-and-death?
As for the Mahayana practice of zazen, there are no words to praise it fully.
The Six Paramitas, such as giving, maintaining the precepts,
and various other good deeds like invoking the Buddha's name,
repentance, and spiritual training, all finally return to the practice of zazen.
Even those who have sat zazen only once will see all karma erased.
Nowhere will they find evil paths and the Pure Land will not be far away.
If we listen even once with open heart to this truth,
then praise it and gladly embrace it,
how much more so then, if on reflecting within ourselves we directly realize Self-nature,
giving proof to the truth that Self-nature is no nature.
We will have gone far beyond idle speculation.
The gate of the oneness of cause and effect is thereby opened,
and not-two, not-three, straight ahead runs the Way.
Realizing the form of no-form as form, whether going or returning we cannot be any place else.
Realizing the thought of no-thought as thought,
whether singing or dancing, we are the voice of the Dharma.
How vast and wide the unobstructed sky of samadhi!
How bright and clear the perfect moonlight of the Fourfold Wisdom!
At this moment what more need we seek?
As the eternal tranquility of Truth reveals itself to us,
this very place is the Land of Lotuses and this very body is the body of the Buddhas.





As y'all can see, my memory inaccurately recalled the phrase as being "At this very moment what more need we seek?" When actually in the chant it is, in this version "At this moment, what more need we seek?"

Hellos to everyone posting here, seeking and not!

Somewhere back in the archives I started a thread in which different translations of the Four Great Vows and such were offered for comparison. You too, gentle readers, may find it of interest.

[Nenka]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Christopher, I think you have it exactly right. The brain really does resist new/different ways of thinking about the world. Old thought patterns do have an addictive quality.

And Stephanie, I've been trying to think of something helpful to say--much of what you're going through, I've been through in my 20s (except I couldn't even get the jobs below my level :roll: ). Go through what you have to go through. Much metta to you in these difficult times.

Gassho,

Jennifer

[JohnsonCM]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

But I really do have this as a practice question--which is why I posted this in this forum--how do we let go of these delicious, addictive stories we tell ourselves? On an intellectual level, I know that half or more of what I'm thinking isn't true, and these thoughts are discouraging, and yet there is a strange addictive quality to them. I really want to stop going around feeling sorry for myself, but I keep falling back into it!

First let me tell you how I stop feeling sorry for myself, when the feeling arises. I stop by feeling sorry for myself. I let it play itself out, like a wound up child, but I try not to give it any more attention than is required to ensure it doesn't do something it shouldn't , or break something, or become the motive for further thought.

Yeah, there definitely is an addictive quality to these thoughts. Let me ask you this, does that addictive feeling feel more persuasive now that you have been practicing for a while? I ask because I think, for me anyway, that it feels like that because my ego self is finally getting some attention. It doesn't know what to do with itself, so it acts like a dog that's so happy to see it's master that it pees on the carpet :mrgreen:. I think that the way to avoid that is to realize that they feel so addictive because the "self" that you know is just a construct is getting a pat on the head, and it wants more, so it makes the sensation addictive in order to try and put you in a position to feed that addiction. The old "deep breath, take a moment to see what is really happening, and reaffirm what you know to be true" helps me out in these situations. I look and say, "well, I'm wallowing in self-pity and that isn't going to solve anything, it's not going to change the world, today's events, my situation, in fact, it won't even stir my coffee. I'm doing it because there is 30 some odd years of psychological "muscle memory" that wants to stroke the ego and make me feel better, or vindicated, or to reaffirm my self worth in a situation that would otherwise bring me down. That's all it is, smoke and mirrors, clouds and fog. No substance. Now, time to formulate a plan on how to deal with / overcome the situation I now find myself in."

Sometimes, all that even works. A bit. ops:

[Rich]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

But I really do have this as a practice question--which is why I posted this in this forum--how do we let go of these delicious, addictive stories we tell ourselves? On an intellectual level, I know that half or more of what I'm thinking isn't true, and these thoughts are discouraging, and yet there is a strange addictive quality to them. I really want to stop going around feeling sorry for myself, but I keep falling back into it!

I don't think that creating models of reality filled with anxiety and fear are absolutely bad. They have a purpose even if it's just to fill emptiness. But there comes a point when asking What is this? is helpful as a first step in letting go. Of cause we don't really know and settling into this don't know, just breathing, just perceiving is about the best we can do.

Stephanie, you are not alone. I've said lately that this is the 'winter of my discontent' and I'm taking it one little step at a time.

Does the ego entity exist or not? No, the ego entity does not exist.

[Jundo]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

"At this very moment, what more need we seek?"

This tiny phrase comes from Hakuin's Song of Zazen'

Like a child wandering poor on this earth ...

Ah, also one of my favorite chants, which we entone each year during our Annual 2-Day online Rohatsu Retreat (I dedicate it to Doshin Cantor, a priest with the White Plum, who I consider one of my teachers).

http://sweepingzen.com/2009/12/23/mitch ... antor-bio/

Powerful, and very much appropriate to the topic ...

Song of Zazen
by Zen Master Hakuin Ekaku

From the very beginning all beings are buddha;
like water and ice, without water no ice; outside us no buddhas.
How near the truth yet how far we seek;
like one in water crying "I thirst,"
like a child of rich birth wand'ring poor on this earth,
we endlessly circle the Six Worlds.
The cause of our sorrow is ego delusion;
from dark path to dark path we've wandered in darkness;
how can we be free from birth and death?

The Gateway to freedom is zazen samadhi;
beyond exaltation, beyond all our praises; the pure Mahayana.
Upholding the precepts, repentance and giving;
the thousand good deeds, and the way of right living,
all come from zazen.
Thus one true samadhi extinguishes evils;
it purifies karma, dissolving obstructions.
Then where are the dark paths to lead us astray?
The pure lotus land is not far away.

Hearing this truth, heart humble and grateful;
to praise and embrace it, to practice its wisdom,
brings unending blessings; brings mountains of merit.
And when we turn inward, and prove our true nature:
that true self is noself, our own self is noself,
we go beyond ego and past clever words.
Then the gate to the oneness of cause and effect is thrown open;
not two and not three, straight ahead runs the Way.
Our form being noform, in going and coming we never leave home;
our thought being nothought, our dancing and songs are the voice of the dharma!

How vast is the heaven of boundless samadhi;
how bright and transparent, the moonlight of wisdom!
What is there outside us; what is there we lack?
Nirvana is openly shown to our eyes!
This earth where we stand is the pure lotus land;
and this very body, the body of buddha!

[Heisoku]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Remember, you are not the only one this has happened to!

[Keishin]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

"At this very moment, what more need we seek?"

This tiny phrase comes from Hakuin's Song of Zazen--one of the chants regularly used by One Drop LA, (later named Tanden Zendo), a rinzai group affiliated with Shodo Harada Roshi (Sogen-ji in Japan is the head temple).

It is this petit but potent snippet of that chant which saves me from myself many times over.

There are other snatches of other sutras and chants which come to me at other times to help with other puposes; but this particular phrase takes whatever ails me at the moment and dispells it.

It isn't just words for me. I am connected to it because for the years I sat with this group this was part of one of the chants, and each time I chanted these words they did something to my being. Still do.

I don't chant regularly anymore, the group I sit with now only chants The Great Heart of Wisdom Sutra once a month when we do a one day sesshin. But the little phrase is with me, Thank You, Hakuin!

Maybe you also have a salve for the places that hurt, Stephanie. For me it is 'at this very moment, what more need we seek?'

[nealc]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

hi stephanie

words i try to remember and typically forget for my frequent wallowings in the lousy ponds of self-pity:

There are thousands upon thousands of students
who have practised meditation and obtained its fruits.
Do not doubt its possibilities because of the simplicity of the method.
If you can not find the truth right where you are,
where else do you expect to find it?

Dogen

for me, knowing that and not doing it is always the same as not knowing it -- and just doing it always makes it better.

thanks for your many helpful posts.

_|_
-neal

[Janne H]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

But I really do have this as a practice question--which is why I posted this in this forum--how do we let go of these delicious, addictive stories we tell ourselves? On an intellectual level, I know that half or more of what I'm thinking isn't true, and these thoughts are discouraging, and yet there is a strange addictive quality to them. I really want to stop going around feeling sorry for myself, but I keep falling back into it!

You can´t get rid of these thoughts entirely (not that that´s what you´re saying), but through the practice of sitting you should be able to give them some space, some distance, and not having you´re self getting tangled up in them. And I guess you already know this.

Janne

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Wow, I appreciate the awesome and diverse feedback, everyone. A lot to chew on.

Risho, I like what you said about being "nice." I feel the same way. When I say "nice" in reference to an aspiration for myself, I don't mean "meek" or "impeccably polite," or whatever. I mean not going around harboring these ugly thoughts I find in my head a lot of the time. It's not so much that I want other people to think I'm "nice"--I learned long ago that people's opinions of each other usually only reflect their biases. People talk trash about good people and praise bad people. It's really just that I don't like what's going on in my own headspace. I'm aware of the hypocrisy in how I judge people, when I'm going around being just as petty, if only inwardly, a lot of the time. But mostly, it's just stupid, because I'm making myself miserable, and don't have to.

Jundo, I appreciate the encouragement, and your helpful practice reminders. I always remember what you say about the "mind theatre." Realizing that it's a theatre helps set me straight a lot of the time.

A lot of well-meaning people, when I try to explain my frustrations, offer me advice on how to meet people, etc. That's not what I have a problem with! I don't have social anxiety (thankfully), I know how to go into a room and connect and converse with people. The problem I keep running into isn't a lack of meeting people, but a lack of those meetings translating into continued, quality social contact. And I don't expect everyone I meet to be my BFF. But it sucks when the people you think are your "BFFs" don't come through as friends, and then the more casual friends you have disappear from your life almost as quickly as they came into it.

Hans, I like your description of having weak wrists and being best at cuddling cats. Ha! I've definitely had to confront and let go of many delusions of grandeur I've had. I realized when I moved out of New York back to Southwest Virginia that I'm really not that special, I'm just another working person looking for the same things as most everyone else. I can accept that I'm not going to have this glamorous, "special" life, what's tough is wondering if those "simple things" are even going to come my way.

Fugen, I appreciate your perspective and have enjoyed those posts of yours before, thanks for reminding me of them.

Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement and perspective. I have to keep reminding myself of the truth of impermanence and change. The shape of my life now is different from what it will be later.

But I really do have this as a practice question--which is why I posted this in this forum--how do we let go of these delicious, addictive stories we tell ourselves? On an intellectual level, I know that half or more of what I'm thinking isn't true, and these thoughts are discouraging, and yet there is a strange addictive quality to them. I really want to stop going around feeling sorry for myself, but I keep falling back into it!

[Risho]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Ditto to what everyone else said. :mrgreen:

In terms of trying to be nice, I consider myself an A-hole (sorry for the language).

I don't know you other than your posts here, but who gives a crap about being nice? I've had enough nice growing up, and where does it get you? When I think of nice I think of that placating or sycophantic behavior that usually worsens a situation and never engenders a damned authentic interaction with another human being. It's sort of like Marcia Cross' character on Desperate Housewives.. that fake external image.

In any case, i've never thought of you as being nice. I have thought of you as someone who is incredibly self-aware for their age and someone who is an intrinsic and inspiring part of this sangha. If you were nice, I doubt you would respond as passionately as you do to issues around here. So please, do not try to be nice.

I recently re-read something that Pema Chodron said, and I wrote it down in my journal because it echoes my own feelings of self denegration, and I think it applies here.

"The problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. The other problem is that our hangups, unfortunately or fortunately, contain our wealth."

As Jundo said, my 20's were really tough as well. I used to smoke a lot and I didn't know my place in the world. It was just tough, but things do tend to work themselves out.

Gassho,

Risho

[Jundo]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Hi Stephanie,

Sorry to sound like the advice columnist from the newspaper here, but a lot of what I am about to say is just common sense, I think.

So many people write me about unemployment and losing their jobs in this economy! If you have a roof over your head right now, be thankful. Keep looking for that better job, and something may come up you don't expect. Think about perhaps using your skills and degree in a position you have not considered.

As Keishin said, this is just life. Everybody has times like these, problems in life. That does not make it fun ... but it is just life. A friend who has had a real string of bad luck wrote me this week, "It's "just life" ... though not the hand I would have wished life to deal me, its ok."

It is good you recognize that the "mind theatre" is taking the situation and adding 1001 negative thoughts to it. Even though the mind says "it is the end of the world, life is terrible, i am terrible" ... it is probably not so. Thus, we sit Zazen, dropping the "mind theatre" away from awhile.

Accept the situations that cannot be changed.

Know that situations which seem like they will never change or never happen (finding friends, a life companion) most likely will change in time.

Further, know what you can change and work on it! There are techniques, skills that one can master to make friends, find someone to love and love you. In fact, it is one of the few times that you will hear me recommend getting a "self help" book, but their really are some good ones on those subjects ... teaching effective skills and strategies to meet people, make friends and settle into a new town.

I was just as confused in my twenties, pretty lonely, smoking two packs a day, stressed and (in my case) overworked.

It did not last forever, and it did get better with a little effort, some smart life choices ... and the non-effort of Zazen.

Gassho, J

[Hans]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Hello Stephanie,

wow, quite a few great posts there offering really sound advice in my humble opinion. Thank you all for that.

What you wrote reminded me of some situations I myself have been in....all that life taught me was...it ultimately always is what it is and not what I want it to be. That might sound a bit depressing at first, but the deeper truth is really that your life doesn't start at a particular point when you finally get that job or that partner you have always wanted, but it is NOW. Being in the Now is not a quick fix for everything ( no matter how much we might like Eckhart Tolle), but facing it on its own terms was the only thing that helped me over years to surrender to what is...and to start working with what is. I didn't become a famous rock star or a Hollywood director, I didn't turn into a deadly Ninja warrior...instead I still have my thin wrists and am only really good at cuddling cats. Seeing that that's the most wonderful thing in the world took some time. I am absolutely confident that you will emerge even stronger from whatever ordeals you might be facing right now. Thank you for being here at Treeleaf.


Gassho,

Hans

[Dokan]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

The perfect weight
the perfect mate
The perfect house
the perfect spouse
The perfect job
the perfect hobby
Perfect friends
yet suffering still...
"Every day a happy day"
yes, suffering does and doesn't end

Thank you for this Keishin...

Gassho,

Shawn

[Tb]

Re: How not to feel sorry for yourself?

Hi.

Some very good posts here, and more to come no doubt.

My 0.02, is that everything changes.
The only thing we can do is hold on for the ride and make the most of it.

Here's two posts about the subject...
when life hits you in the face
teachings of a daruma doll

And remember, if you feel down, we're here right by you.
Same goes when feeling up, we're here.
But at the same time, when feeling down, feel down; when feeling good feel good.
Thats it.

Mtfbwy
Fugen