Originally posted by Yogi
All manner of sensations and thoughts are common during Zazen. You may be thinking about the "Great Doubt" which some Rinzai Koan meditators build up like a "big burning iron ball in their throats" or such as they wrestle with their Koans. Master Sheng-yen (a practitioner of both Shikantaza and Koan Zazen, who died this week) wrote this description ...
{T]he application of the
kung-an or hua-t'ou [a single phrase from a Koan like "Mu"] may cause the rising of the Great
Doubt ???. This doubt is not the ordinary doubt of
questioning the truth of an assertion. It is the
doubt that arises out of ts'an Ch'an, investigating
Ch'an. It refers to the practitioner's deeply
questioning state of mind as a result of using the
kung-an or hua-t'ou. The resolution of the kung-an or
hua-t'ou hinges on the nurturing of the great doubt.
Because the answer to his questions cannot be
resolved by logic, he must continually return to his
question, and in the process, clear his mind of
everything else except the Great Doubt.
Eventually, this accumulated "doubt mass" ??
can disappear in one of two ways. One way is that,
due to lack of concentration or energy, the meditator
will not be able to sustain the doubt, and it will
dissipate. Another way is that by persisting until
his doubt is like a "hot ball of iron stuck in his
throat", the doubt mass will disappear in an
expollution. If the explosion has enough energy, it is
possible that the student will experience "Ch'an",
see Buddha-nature, become enlightened. If not, there
will probably still be some attachment in his mind.
It is necessary for a master to confirm his
experience, since the student, with rare exceptions,
cannot do that himself. Even as great a master as
Ta-hui did not penetrate sufficiently on his first
experience. His master Yuan-wu K'e-ch'in ????
told him, "you have died, but you haven't come back
to life." He was confirmed on his second experience.
So what is a true experience? It takes an adept
master to tell. If he is not a genuine master, he
won't know the difference.
http://ccbs.ntu.edu.tw/FULLTEXT/JR-BJ001/02_10.htm
kung-an or hua-t'ou [a single phrase from a Koan like "Mu"] may cause the rising of the Great
Doubt ???. This doubt is not the ordinary doubt of
questioning the truth of an assertion. It is the
doubt that arises out of ts'an Ch'an, investigating
Ch'an. It refers to the practitioner's deeply
questioning state of mind as a result of using the
kung-an or hua-t'ou. The resolution of the kung-an or
hua-t'ou hinges on the nurturing of the great doubt.
Because the answer to his questions cannot be
resolved by logic, he must continually return to his
question, and in the process, clear his mind of
everything else except the Great Doubt.
Eventually, this accumulated "doubt mass" ??
can disappear in one of two ways. One way is that,
due to lack of concentration or energy, the meditator
will not be able to sustain the doubt, and it will
dissipate. Another way is that by persisting until
his doubt is like a "hot ball of iron stuck in his
throat", the doubt mass will disappear in an
expollution. If the explosion has enough energy, it is
possible that the student will experience "Ch'an",
see Buddha-nature, become enlightened. If not, there
will probably still be some attachment in his mind.
It is necessary for a master to confirm his
experience, since the student, with rare exceptions,
cannot do that himself. Even as great a master as
Ta-hui did not penetrate sufficiently on his first
experience. His master Yuan-wu K'e-ch'in ????
told him, "you have died, but you haven't come back
to life." He was confirmed on his second experience.
So what is a true experience? It takes an adept
master to tell. If he is not a genuine master, he
won't know the difference.
http://ccbs.ntu.edu.tw/FULLTEXT/JR-BJ001/02_10.htm
We just sit, allowing the thoughts of all kinds that naturally arise, to naturally fade from mind like a passing cloud. We return again and again to wide, open, objectless sitting as if the wide, open, objectless blue sky between the passing clouds.
However, I "doubt" all the time, in the sense that I wonder if this practice is going "right" in my life. As I was sitting in the children's doctor's office this morning, with Leon throwing up all over me ... I knew the answer was that this practice is "right"!
I am sure that we get the same place the Rinzai master get, even if the "explosion" is coming out of our child's stomach!It sounds like you are "trying too hard" in your sitting to FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the breath, STEADY, STEADY STEADY on the wall, perhaps? In fact, we do not focus on the breath except during the time we are first starting Shikantaza, maybe for a few weeks or couple of months. Please stop, and just sit with you mind focus open, spaciously, on everything and nothing in particular around you, dropping thoughts, goals and effort. Just sit. Forget the breath, forget the wall.
So,
"my mind is focused on breath but not conciously or actively involved in breathing, but breathing is happening anyway, and is automatic and I have nothing else to do but I'm still conscious about that... so who is breathing now and why?" ... Should I keep that feeling while sitting or just let it go
Yes, let it go and return to wide, open, spacious Just Sitting
and focus again on the breath?
I would return to wide, open, spacious Just Sitting
Gassho, Jundo
PS- I have been in touch with many other Soto teachers recently on the issue of wall sitting. I will write more about that soon, but I am coming to the conclusion that facing into the room "sitting like a wall" is the original meaning of that teaching
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