Pain as a motivator

[Kyōsen]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with pain, Seiko. This is something that I'm working with now in my life, too, but perhaps not to the same extent as others.

A couple weeks ago I injured one (or more) of my intercostal muscles (the muscles between your ribs) and was in the most intense pain of my life for two weeks. Sleeping for the first week was nearly impossible. I went to a massage therapist to try to get some relief and the massage session was even more painful, but it did bring relief a few hours later. This experience gave me an appreciation for those who live with chronic pain. After just one week, I found I was physically and emotionally exhausted and yet there was still the rest of life to attend to.

I also took up walking again now that the weather is nice. Until this weekend I didn't have proper walking shoes, so my calves and shins and feet were in intense pain each day that I went walking. What kept ringing in my mind were the words of Ram Dass who once said, "I love my pain" and I tried to embrace the pain as a friend and in doing so, I found the resistance I had to the pain disappeared and there was a kind of appreciation in its place. Pain reminds me that I am still alive, I'm still here.

When pain appears, there's no running away from it; there's nowhere to go. So I may as well learn to sit with it, learn to love it, learn to listen to it as best I can.

Gassho
Kyōsen
Sat|LAH

[Tai Shi]

Pain as a motivator

Sitting with pain is not the worst feeling I have ever had. I have adjusted to some degree.
I wish you well in all your troubles. May you find happiness .
Gassho
sat/ lah
Tai Shi


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[Tai Shi]

I have had a new pain. Jundo please let me write more than the usual three lines. I need to write of a different pain than most people ever experience. This pain is dizziness which has lead to understanding a problem in my brain. About three weeks ago, I was speaking with Kyousui, a retired nurse, and I became very dizzy. Kyousui said, "Get to an ER now." My wife Marjorie did not believe me so I put Kyousui on the phone to speak with her and he told her to the closest ER now. We drove to Sanford Health about 16 miles from our home. There the hospital admitted me as a stroke victim and ran so many tests, I could not keep up. I was very dizzy with an upset stomach. With one of the final tests, technicians and nurses and the ER doctor found a dark spot in the Right Temporal Lobe of my brain. Dr. Kim, the imaging came to the ER and tol;d us that I was to be admitted to the hospital. Dr. Kim plased me on the Intensive Care Unit of the neurology ward. A nurse there is assigned to two patients, so the ward is truely intensive. Every need was taken care of, and every time I turned on the call light, the nurse was there imediatly. The next day, a Satuerday, Dr. Kime and his team took over. They wheeled me into a large machine which I know now was a camera. The strapped me securely to the flat surface and placed pillows under my knees and my head to suppurt my body from the severe arthritis I have. The strapped my hand, wrist, and arm so securely I could not move them. Then they straped my nech and head into place. Finally they strapped my body into place and told me not to move at all. Then a small tube was threaded thurough my wrist up my arm into my nech and though I could no feey it, into my brain. They then as I learned that night took pictures of part of my brain. Finally I realized how serious my condition was. They then threaded the tube back from my hear, throught the arterie in my neck, down my shoulder into my arm and pulled in out of my wrist. Though I had been awake, I learned later thatt I had been given a light sedative and nourishing fluids through my IV tube which ran into my arme wirth a secured needle. Then I waited, and my wife Marjorie waited with me. She said at 5:00 p.m. that she must go homr because she has night blindness. She left, touching my arn and said good night. It's very difficult to sleep in a hospital but abour 3:00 a.m. I dropped off to sleep. I know from experience nurses check on you all night, and every 10 or 15 minutes, a nurse would check on me. My wife returned the next day, and learned the next day that I had a stuicture in my brain, late in the evening, Sunday night, about 8:00 pm, Dr. Kim returned to discuss the fingings and show us the pictures of the Arterial Venus Malformation in my brain. The stricture was adout the size of a nickle with veins shooting everywhere into my brain. Dr Kim explained that the AVM was 2.2 cm in size, and 26 cm into my brain somewhat penatrating my white matter. We explained that in surgery there was a 65% chance of my survival and 35% chance of failure or even death of surgery. That night nurses made an appointment ffor September 29th, 2021, at 9:15. The next weekend I experienced at 4:00 a.m. the worst siezure I have ever known. At first as the siezure began, I yelled for my wife. She came and I froze, she began yelling and crying. I could sence thruogght my eyes and ears, but my hands were gripping the arm of the recliner, ansd I could not let go. Marjorie saus that mty mouth dropped, and my lip rolled forward. I remember only hearing her yell my name. As I roused, she called 911the ambulance arrieven and I was taken as a stroke victim to the Sanford ER/ There many tests were again conducted, and the stricture had not chaanged. I becan coming out of my siezure, and there was no chemical evidence of my siezure. However the, I was again admitted to the nerology ICU ward, Dr. Kim appearwwed only briefly and Marjorie and I were told to wait ffor the paliative ccare doctor. She walked into my room At about 2:15 and spent over an hour with us, but I felt she was only speaking tomy wife, not to me. She said that my advanced directive was the mostt complete she had evey seen including the directive that the Harvard Brai ans Tissue Center be contacted immediately upon deat to harveest my brain for medicial and scientific research. I have bipolar disorder an I am very intellegent with three advanced degrees, two beyond the MA, and Harrvard Brain Bank is extremly interested in my brain. The next day I was stunned.I had been told that it might be best to just leave the AVM alone and I might outlive the catistrophic event of AVM rupture and live a full and happy life. I decided to Wait to see what the surgeon D. Voum would have to say on the 29th. I waited, tryinmg to read. I read a number of poets including the great end of 20th Century Galway Kinnel who incorperated knowlege of God while being without God. In many ways Kinnel is a Zen poet. I read a great poem by the master Persian poet Rumi, and wonderful senssual persian poet Hafiz who has been collected into a volume The Gift, and with such beautiful sensual and youthful poetry, the besst of Hafiz remaining poetry. Much of Hafiz great body of poetry was destroyed by the Islamic Stats who claimed that his poetry violated the Koran. These three poets follow tthe youth of my mind. I am told by two doctors that I am in good shape to recover well from surggery. The pain I feel from this fight for life, and with zazen I surender with each breath. Literally hundredds of people are supporting my in every. The good friend and president of the local U.U. church has been there for me eveyday. My dear precious pearl Marjoriee, who objected to surgery at first, as she believed to live to an advanced stage of the tumor and my life, has since acccepted my wishes. The lead minister, Micheal, of Church of the Larger Fellowship has been there for me throughout, and I say with great admiration for each Priest of Soto Zen I have read of, and know Junddo, are sensitive apt people prclaiming the meldding of consciousness in Zen< Buddhaist, knowing of Buddha, aaaand my hope to contimue as Bodisattva in this world as I fel, and know the hope of the hereafter In Buddhist ideas, and reality that the body dies upon deatn but essence goes on in a peaceful universe as trout swimming to the sea, or birds flying into the air, so my essence shall be long into the night of eternal space POPULATED SMALL POCKETS OF ENERGY AND SPECKS, of matter, the essence of good as the Buddha taught in his benovelant Loving Kindness. Here in Treeleaf Zendo I have undertaken the precepts, and perhaps two paper books will I read right after my surgery. The Mind of Clover by Robert Aitken, and Living Sober, AA approved Literaature, and I may if I may read only a short partt of the Bible, The Book of John. I trust that Jesus known as a savior, has aid these essential words, " Love one another." and so I end this by saying God odf Hafiz and Judea be with me, and may I become fully a Bodhisatva in eyes of the Buddha, Tatagatha, Buddha, and live for my brothers and sisters. I am an Old man of 70 an have stamina in spite of ag and arthritis. Though my Cardiologist has in stalled Pacemaker, says my heart muscle is strong, I have only slight damage to my lungs, and my hands are not so deformed that I can no lo-nger do touch two finger typing. I am a complete whole man, I am unique, that I have reached the age of 70 yet have mental illness, I have accomolished much, and my Primary Doctor Allan funk said I may see improvement to my bipolar mind. Onve oxycigen is restored to my Right Temporal, I may see improvement in my mind. This is something the Buddha would wish for me. Let me [predict my age at death, 82, as the Buddha's long life.
Gassho
Sat/ lah

[Nengei]

Metta to you, Tai Shi, and to your family, extended family, and loved ones. May you all find peace with all that you are experiencing.

Gassho,
Nengei
Sat today. LAH.

[Jundo]

Thank you for your teaching us, Tai Shi.

Nine Bows, Jundo

[Shinshi]

Thank you for sharing Tai Shi. Much Metta to you and your family. It sounds like a harrowing experience but you seem to be handling it really well. I am grateful you have so much support around you as you work your way through this difficult ordeal. Please know that all of Treeleaf is holding you in their hearts.

As Jundo says, Nine Bows.

Gassho,

Shinshi

[Kyōsen]

Tai Shi

Gassho
Kyōsen
Sat|LAH

[Onkai]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and aspirations and what inspires you, Tai Shi. Much metta.

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat/lah