Struggling with anxiety during zazen

[ZenHarmony]

Hi, Peter Yup, me, too. Last sit was all regrets filling my head, pretty much every one I could possibly have in my life. I'm "working" on letting it all go and not categorizing my practice as good or bad. They each have their own merit, I've found, and in the end, it just is what it is, know what I mean?

gassho,

Lauren
sat today

[sjlabat]

The 'school game' can indeed ratchet up anxiety and all sorts of thoughts and emotions we often want to judge as 'bad.' Especially in grad school, researching and writing doctoral dissertations, there is always more work to do. Either I'm working or I should be working. Moving on even with all this going on - sounds like a worthwhile practice to me.
gassho
sean
sat, lah

[Shokai]

Sean and Lauren;

More power to both of you practice, practice, practice.
Sit for ten years and then another ten years.

gassho, Shokai
stlah

[Entai]

Peter,
My advice, for what it's worth, is to be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your practice.

Gassho,
Entai
St/lah

[Alfaiate]

Loved to read all this great advice.

I´m also getting anxiety but it´s like it comes in cycles.
In a few days it will go away and equanimity settles in again.
Still pretty hard though.

Gassho
sat today.

[Nengei]

Zazen feels like holding my finger in the flame.

I know that this will pass, but has anyone else experienced something like this? And is there any way to make zazen feel less intense?!

I have been reading this thread with interest for the past few days. As a candidate entering what I hope is my last year of this process, I do from time to time have some degree of anxiety (usually stemming from my attention to other things). Something that came out of this just-past Ango for me was that when feelings of anxiety are bubbling--not quite to the point of panic--regular periods of Zazen are a solution. It is as though my feelings and many-direction thoughts are ping-pong balls being tossed around on a boiling ocean, and when I sit they sort themselves out and fall into their places, and the ocean calms.

Something I have noted is that often the fallout from Zazen is subsequently more focus on a particular thought or feeling that may have been, oh, subdued or repressed. Dulled or blunted maybe. Your point about feeling like you are holding your finger in a flame made sense, in this regard. It does not last, for me. I wonder about whether your intense, dissertation-related stress was such a dominant feature that this feeling is a product of your emotional healthfulness coming back into balance. I hope it is getting better, or at least not getting worse. Do let us know how it is going!

Gassho,
然芸 Nengei
Sat/LAH

You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to be loved.

[pthwaites]

Thanks again to all for the replies about this topic, and empathy to those who are also living with anxiety.

My zazen has been interesting! The intense, unsettling anxiety I initially wrote about has become more subtle: I experience a wider range of emotions now as I sit, and sometimes the anxiety never raises its head. Other times when I begin to sit I feel calm and relaxed, but some minutes in, that tight knot of anxiety returns.

So my observation: anxiety appears to have its own agenda - it is not me, although I'm host to it. So yes, as some have suggested, it's good practice.

Gassho,

STlah,

Peter

Sent from my LM-Q725K using Tapatalk

[Shokai]

In my humble opinion and with all due respect to Jundo's Videos, anyone needing or wishing to attain a natural and comfortable posture of Zazen should read Uchiyama-Roshi's "Opening the Hand of Thought."
(And, I receive no royalties or commissions for this recommendation. )

gassho, Shokai
stlah

[Tokan]

Hi pt

Congratulations on completing your project, I admire your dedication, and hope that you enjoyed the journey. It seems to me that all the zazen guidance you could need is already here, and it is good to be in such good supportive company. I shall not usurp the guidance of others but will just offer a brief opinion of my own that has helped me to sustain my practice over the years.

At times when I have felt unhappy, sad, stressed, anxious in my zazen I have sat with it, sometimes for (honestly) miserable week after miserable week, but I sat with it, came out the other side without a prescription. One observation I would offer that helped me though is that when I felt like I couldn't see past the wall, stuck in a dualistic-rut, trying to sit with the 'one-ness' of all things, but feeling separate or isolated, I would do the following. I got up off the zafu and did a walking or sitting meditation in the woods. There is something about woodland, and its boundless interconnectedness, and the chatter of the wind in the trees, that cuts through my dualistic self-pitying like a katana through a watermelon . It might be the beach or an art gallery, but it's that place where you tend to forget the self (in a transformative rather than sleepy way!) I'd then go back to the zafu.

That would be my zen experience, but my mental health experience tells me that mental wellness and mental resilence come from a generally balanced lifestyle. I would imagine that a PhD would challenge that balance, and so it will take some time and care (being kind and gentle with yourself) to let that imbalance dissipate of it's own accord. Despite zazen not being a mental health therapy (even if meditation is), for me, it undoubtedly does help with my mental balance, acceptance, and resilience. I note your second post where you say "anxiety appears to have its own agenda - it is not me, although I'm host to it", and that is very interesting as anxiety states often have a basis in known events or triggers, but can take on a life of it's own over time, becoming disabling for the sufferer. Blown out of all proportion with reality (measured against others views of your life I might add) due to a repetitive ruminating fantasy where the anxiety state is indulged (and consequently expands). Skillfully used, I believe zazen can interrupt this cycle, but the individual has to have insight into their state of mind, and needs the support of a skilled teacher of zazen - of which we are most blessed at treeleaf.

Gassho and metta to you!

Tokan - sattoday