Struggling in Zazen

[Devaprem]

I started Zazen a few months ago and at first I found the just sitting to be a beautiful experience. More recently, I feel an ever harshening division between the open blue sky and the dark clouds (sometimes they are as black as night).This no reason to stop, I know this in my heart. I will continue just sitting but, right now, there is so much flipping between thought and no-thought. I am conscious that 'all is Zazen' and yet I find it hard at times with such divisive polarity. I have done much meditation and other stuff in the past but it feels like that just doesn't count here, right now. It is past. I am just putting this experience out here to this Sangha. In doing so, I feel a deep gratitude that this is possible

Sat today / lah

Gassho
Devaprem

[Bion]

Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings, friend. I recognize some of that too. I think it’s a shared experience. Zazen is sometimes easy zazen and sometimes difficult zazen, and if we sit enough, we taste all the flavors and can confidently expect them all the become familiar in time.

Gassho
sat lah

[mdonnoe]

I have a little dog (he's a Cairn Terrier), who's only just now five years old. He's still a puppy at heart, and loves playing and being rascally (if you sit Zazenkai with us, you might see him in my camera screen sometimes, too!). He's a dear dear sweet fellow, and has those famous "puppy dog eyes," so I can never be mad at him. When I take him on his daily walk, he's usually really good about staying on the path, but sometimes he smells something in a bush or on a building, and wants to stray and sniff. Sometimes when others walk by, he gets distracted, wags his tail, and tries to follow them!

My mind in zazen is sometimes like my puppy. Sometimes the path is easy and the experience is smooth. Sometimes my mind drifts, or tries to follow something else. When it does, just like with my pup, I gently return it to the path, without harshness, judgement or feeling like my zazen (or the walk) is ruined as a result. These days, my puppy-mind takes a bit more redirection, as the world is often distracting or distressing.

May you be as gentle with your mind "flipping between thought and no-thought" as we are with puppies on walks. Remember too that your mind, like the puppy, is beautiful just as it is, with its distractions and with its clear focus, and sit with that.

Please do take this (perhaps silly) response with a grain of salt.

Gassho,
Michael
SatLah

[Devaprem]

Thank you Bion, thank you Michael. Both your responses encourage me and to know I am not alone in this experience is good support. I like you analogy to your Cairn Terrier, Michael - not silly at all! :-)

Gasshi,
Devaprem

sat/lah