Opening the Hand of Thought - Chapter 4

[Rich]

Ok, now I am concerned that when I put on a back pack and spend a week in the wilderness that I may be shrugging off my duties to help other sentient beings by hiding out in the mountains. Let me sit with that......I am okay with that.

Gassho
Doshin
sattoday

You are the other sentient being also, so enjoy the wilderness 😊 -)

SAT today

[Joyo]

Enjoy the wilderness, enjoy the sesshin, enjoy life no matter where you are----it is all good practice. =)

Gassho,
Joyo*
sat today

[Kyotai]

I have not sat in retreat. I can see the value in it, but also think that one should not dwell on what they are missing out on if one cannot partake. Perhaps someday I will have the time and opportunity.

"what is essential is for us to live out the reality of our true self" pg 74

I think I will continue to sit and not worry about missing out on retreats

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat today

[AlanLa]

Life as zazen is fractals as zazen. Say what, you say

I got a different take on this chapter, as maybe you can tell. Fractals are never ending complex patterns that repeat themselves in small and large things. Last year was a difficult year for me, especially the last half of it. I kept coming back to my zen practice but it wasn't helping much and my suffering continued with only minimal relief. My narrow self tried to see life as scenery, but like a bad actor I chewed it up. But the bigger point here is that I kept coming back to my practice. Zazen is coming back to now, to ZZ', to our practice of realizing the undeniable reality of self as universal self where life is just scenery that you don't chew up The pattern was the same, only the scale of practice had changed. The cool thing about this chapter is that it helped me see my life as practicing zazen fractals

I hope that makes sense, but it's okay if it doesn't.

[Rich]

Watching fractals fractalizing.
👀🙈🙆✌😵😎😍🙏
SAT today

[Jundo]

... Last year was a difficult year for me, especially the last half of it. I kept coming back to my zen practice but it wasn't helping much and my suffering continued with only minimal relief. My narrow self tried to see life as scenery, but like a bad actor I chewed it up. But the bigger point here is that I kept coming back to my practice. Zazen is coming back to now, to ZZ', to our practice of realizing the undeniable reality of self as universal self where life is just scenery that you don't chew up The pattern was the same, only the scale of practice had changed. ...

Lovely. Welcome back ... and back ... and back again.

Gassho, Jundo

[AlanLa]

It is nice to be back... and back... and back. To see life as practice in this new way is revelatory, downright - dare I say it - enlightening to discover that I never left... left... left

[Risho]

Toys.

I dont know what it's like to sit sesshin. Frankly, I haven't made this a priority; my vacation days
are used for time with my wife, family and friends, and I haven't made this a priority to apportion
some of them for a sesshin. I used to blame vacations, but it's on me. My practice is my
responsibility. I don't feel bad about it; I work hard, and I need that time but, to be brutally
honest, and that's what zen requires of us, that's why I don't attend retreats.

I also don't really feel comfortable in brick and mortar zendos. I'm not really into groups, and I'm not an acolyte.
I don't feel a sense of genuineness. Sometimes I feel like a lot of mimicry going on. These are just my opinions and
my hangups, so please don't take them personally. In my practice, I don't really care too much for costumes and such.

So, anyway, with my practice I personally make it a point to focus on consistent zazen, consistent integration with my life,
consistent study, consistent dialogue with the sangha here. That's the direction of my practice now. That's
on me, for better or worse.

So I don't know anything about sesshin, but I do know a whole lot about toys.

I have a lot of toys in my arsenal, both literally and figuratively. I love music, books,
food, beer, dancing, socializing, video games (both contemporary and retro), etc. I also have psychological toys such as: I love
my addiction to my self, my justification for my position or defensive postures for perceived
character flaws, my superiority complex; I love being right. I love troubleshooting problems.

And that's why I also love zazen and practice and Treeleaf.

I think when we had a zazenkai a couple of years ago, with Gustav Ericsson, if I remember correctly, Dosho asked a really good question.

I know Dosho asked this at one of the zazenkais, and I think this was the one, but anyway before I get on another tangent, he
asked a really, really good question that has stuck with me. I'm paraphrasing, but it went something like
"How do we practice genuinely?" Basically, how do I make this practice my own?

And that, that is the paramount question I always ask with Zen; I may have toys, but if zen practice is one of them,
then I'm never doing it again. Zen is about living a true way of life, expressing ourself genuinely.

But anyway, this relates to toys because zen is so new to my culture; it only came to the US in the last century, and for
a culture so steeped (and myself so steeped) in one "lens" for viewing the world, it takes time for a new idea
to work its way into the cultural lexicon (if that makes any sense). And I think we are pioneers because we have the challenge
of taking this and making it our own.

So when something is shiny and new (even if it is 2500 years old but new to you), then it's easy to use it, and I did early on, as a
form of escapism from my "boring" life. That is why this practice can be a battlefield, and this is also why I mentioned
that I was in a psychological rut recently, which usually happens after Ango.

Zen, as Taigen Dan Leighton reminds us in his book "Zen questions, Zazen, Dogen, and the spirit of Creative Inquiry" that
our practice is all about questions, and it took me a couple of years of practice to really see that start to erupt in my
own practice. In the beginning, we sort of like
the smell of a brand new zafu, the chanting, etc. But then when that becomes "normal" and "boring", the honeymoon phase is over,
there's that familiar chink in the armor, and "here we go again". Zazen is no longer a toy that can suit our whims; instead of being
an escape, it zooms us into what's going on, and that's not always pleasant; but with time, if we can get past our childishness
this is when my practice really got interesting; the feelings didn't always overwhelm me. They often still do, but I can sometimes
see through them now.

So what I thought was a toy, was this incredible tool, but not a tool to meet my needs but also to meet my needs (if you know what I mean), show me what is
really necessary, which is way better than a normal tool that fulfills some very specific function.

In any case, you start asking, or hopefully you start asking why you wear the rakusu, or why you chant the heart sutra, the bodhisattva vows,
the verse of atonement, or why you don't. Why you don't like some of these things? Are they integral and you are just narrow-minded? Or
are they really extra? Is any of this extra? I don't know yet.

You have to come to terms, I had to come to terms with my practice. Once the honeymoon is over, I'm the type of person that needs
to know why I do things. I'm not going to do something to mimic, ape, mime, etc. I want it to have meaning. And the only way to transform
something from a curiosity to something that is integrated into your life, as something that informs your life, that informs my life
is that I had to find the meaning it had for me.

Otherwise, that chanting would be a waste of air and time.

So I think that although zen starts as a toy, e.g. I came to practice to "fix" something, we go beyond toy/not-toy when we get to the heart of
practice. Getting to the heart of practice is all about asking those questions, about being precise and going over what we do
in practice and in life, finding meaning, discarding what is useless and harmful in some cases. It's like peeling an onion, and it never
ends. We have to ask questions to keep our practice alive, so it doesn't turn dead or into some object of our amusement.

I think we need to, at least I find it important to find my own expression of practice in my life. One of my pet peeves, is that if my practice is
not genuine to me, then I don't feel invested in doing it.

As my practice deepens, things that start out seeming like cultural trappings, traditional or superstitious nonsense start to gain meaning.

I'm not big on rituals, chanting, etc. This is most certainly a result of my upbringing and cultural baggage; I'm a logical, scientific person.
I'm also usually right (kidding, just seeing if you are still reading)

But, that being said, I usually end sitting with chanting the Four Bodhisattva Vows and the Verse of Atonement. Sometimes, I like
sitting with my rakusu; sometimes, I can't stand the thought of putting on that costume! I told you, zen's about being brutally
honest, and sometimes you just have to sit even though it's the last %4$damned think you'd want to be doing at that moment.

I wear a mala necklace every day. During Ango, I usually add some more liturgy like bows, incense, chanting the Heart Sutra, Sandokai, etc.

But I don't really always like that stuff. I think that some of zen is frankly still tied to cultural trappings that really don't
relate nor are they necessary to my practice in 21st century America. And again, I think there is a lot of parroting going on in zendos; I feel
like you have to act a certain way. I feel like the "venerable teacher" says something, and all the sheeple come shaking their heads smiling; the lights
are on but nobody's home.

At the same time, this is telling you more about me than the reality of what's going on in those zendos.

This is my hangup; you may agree, or you may be shaking your head in vehement disdain.

I think it important that if we are doing this practice, we come to terms with all of it. And sometimes we need to do
what we don't like to see if it really has value and we're being close-minded.

But it doesn't mean that we should accept anything just because it's been done before or some "authority" (there is no authority outside of you)
says it's always been done this way. But it's still our responsibility to do our due diligence and thoroughly have
good reasons for not doing something before we just toss it out.

But yeah, I'm not big in the cultural trappings right now; who knows, over the years I might like them.

One thing I love about zen, and Treeleaf, is that this is not a religion for acolytes. I'm not an acolyte. I don't follow a group
just to feel special; it makes me sick. Just more toys. I think what we have here is pretty special considering the amount
of discourse we have about practice, clarifying practice, what have you.

But in the end, we're the only ones who really know why we're here and if we are on a genuine path or not. Your genuine path my be with robes.
Jundo wears them, and he's a pretty down to earth guy. But your path may mean you do not wear those, and I think that we need to allow for that as well.

One person's toys may be another's tools or means of expression. Who knows? I'm not your leader

And that goes back to another point of toys and not toys, etc. Looking at koans, you see students copying the teacher, and maybe that's the beginning of learning.

For example, you have Gutei with his finger, or some other teacher shouting or telling you to ask pillars, and then all of a sudden these are some sort of "Zen styles". I guess
mine would be raising a pint glass if someone asked me questions. hahahaha

Seriously, if you focus on the finger or expression as something that is some great answer to life's questions, it's more toys. But those expressions are those
teachers' true expressions; we have all got to find our own, or it will just be another toy, another costume, another funny song, another esoteric ritual
to escape from the monotony of the day.

This is so much more than a toy; this is a transformation process that breaks the division between you and other so that hopefully we start acting in ways that are
more helpful to others than harmful.

Gassho,

Risho
-sattoday

[Rich]

Thanks Risho. That was pretty long. Maybe an original post record without quoting anyone. And it was very enjoyable. Identified with much of what you said.

SAT today

[Hoseki]

Hi Folks,

At present I can't get to a retreat due to a few factors (young children, money and distance.) I'm not sure when it will be possible but I think I would like to attend one (i'm also a little scared of the prospect. ) As for struggles in my own life that could be a struggle with myself, I think my bouts of anxiety could allow for this. But my anxiety is very much like a tightening of the hand of thought. I get worked up and have to do something whether its just think about the issue, run around fumbling through basic tasks or eat.

It really could be the opportunity for me to practice. I don't want to give the impression that I'm not always anxious but its one of the ways I would characterize this life. That said, I don't know if most people who know me would describe me like that. They can't see the worry lines under all my hair!


As a side note, AlanLa, I think "Zen Fractals", would be a great title for a collection of poems.

Gassho
Sat today
Adam

[Eishuu]

Bit late to this thread. I used to go on long silent retreats, not zen ones. I particularly remember as my mind quietened down noticing how much labeling it was doing. Towards the end of one retreat I remember simply stretching out my leg, and watching my mind say 'leg', and thinking how strange and unnecessary all the labeling and words were. I imagine it would be different on a retreat doing a lot of zazen. I haven't been able to go on retreat for a very long time because of health issues. I am in a very retreat like situation being housebound but it's very easy to fill the day with other things.

Gassho
Lucy
Sat today

[Kaishin]

Toys.

I dont know what it's like to sit sesshin.

...

This is so much more than a toy; this is a transformation process that breaks the division between you and other so that hopefully we start acting in ways that are
more helpful to others than harmful.

Gassho,

Risho
-sattoday

I think we really are brothers from another mother, such similar perspectives. I really tried to throw myself into those rituals I had an innate resistance to, such as prostrations, chanting, having an altar. But after a couple of years they still just rang false for me. So I don't really do them as part of my daily practice either. Just sitting, studying, and trying to embody the paramitas.

We should be Ango partners this year!

[Tb]

Hi.

I do like silent retreats, and just watch how people "change" over the days.
Nothing extra is needed, just the sound of silence.

Thank you.

Mtfbwy
Fugen

Bit late to this thread. I used to go on long silent retreats, not zen ones. I particularly remember as my mind quietened down noticing how much labeling it was doing. Towards the end of one retreat I remember simply stretching out my leg, and watching my mind say 'leg', and thinking how strange and unnecessary all the labeling and words were. I imagine it would be different on a retreat doing a lot of zazen. I haven't been able to go on retreat for a very long time because of health issues. I am in a very retreat like situation being housebound but it's very easy to fill the day with other things.

Gassho
Lucy
Sat today

[Theophan]

Sorry Everyone. This entry should have been posted to Chapter 3. Pain is the backdrop of my scenery of life. My disabilities with my back, hips and legs requires me to do zazen sitting in a chair. It usually doesn't take long before my back pain intensifies to the point I want to scream. I struggle. I know if I can accept the pain and focus on my breathing I can overcome the pain most of the time.

For Chapter 4, I have never experienced a Sesshin. I don't think my body would be happy sitting so long. I find Zazenkai the most I can do at one time. However, I do love a challenge and am quite happy if I can overcome my pain and sit zazen without squirming too much. I love sitting outside in the forests. In the woods the sound of birds makes me feel so peaceful and attune to the wonders of creation.

Gassho

Theophan
(Sekishi)

Sat Today