BOOK OF EQUANIMITY - Case 36

My wife and I have have been administering and monitoring chemotherapy for my elderly mother-in-law at home. Three weeks ago the chemo went sideways, and she went into complete rejection. Now she is off chemo and very frail. As well, her husband, who is also in our care, is finally beginning long delayed dialysis at home. Both my wife's and my working lives have been deeply impacted by this responsibility. She had to defer completing schooling for a degree she needs for her current position, and as a result has lost that position. My studio work has lost steam, and finances are tight. Our son, who has Tourette syndrome and mild autism, has been attending a private school that can support his needs, and we have made the difficult decision to pull him out of this school (where he has been thriving) in order to pay for home nursing care for the seniors. This way we can focus on sorting out our work lives.

After meeting with the school this morning, I sat in the car and felt tears flow for the second time in the last few weeks. I never used to cry from sadness, tears could flow over beauty or awe, but never sadness. This is new. It is just happening. The interesting thing is that now when there is sadness, it isn't sadness with a silver lining, or sadness mitigated by looking at the bright side. It is just sadness as sadness. There is no indulgence in it, but no trying to wiggle out of it either, so it is simple. This is a greater freedom than I have ever known before, to be able to just feel sad when it is time to feel sad. There is a deeper freedom, and I am very grateful.

Gassho Daizan

Daizan,

I am so sorry to hear of these struggles you are facing ... thank you for sharing and know that I will sit with you and your family during that sadness. Much metta to you!

Deep bows
Shingen

[RichardH]

Question: We have a lot of folks in this Sangha who have faced times of serious illness and the like. Has this Practice somehow allowed you to be in such times differently than you might otherwise before you walking this Practice? Please tell us

My wife and I have have been administering and monitoring chemotherapy for my elderly mother-in-law at home. Three weeks ago the chemo went sideways, and she went into complete rejection. Now she is off chemo and very frail. As well, her husband, who is also in our care, is finally beginning long delayed dialysis at home. Both my wife's and my working lives have been deeply impacted by this responsibility. She had to defer completing schooling for a degree she needs for her current position, and as a result has lost that position. My studio work has lost steam, and finances are tight. Our son, who has Tourette syndrome and mild autism, has been attending a private school that can support his needs, and we have made the difficult decision to pull him out of this school (where he has been thriving) in order to pay for home nursing care for the seniors. This way we can focus on sorting out our work lives.

After meeting with the school this morning, I sat in the car and felt tears flow for the second time in the last few weeks. I never used to cry from sadness, tears could flow over beauty or awe, but never sadness. This is new. It is just happening. The interesting thing is that now when there is sadness, it isn't sadness with a silver lining, or sadness mitigated by looking at the bright side. It is just sadness as sadness. There is no indulgence in it, but no trying to wiggle out of it either, so it is simple. This is a greater freedom than I have ever known before, to be able to just feel sad when it is time to feel sad. There is a deeper freedom, and I am very grateful.

Gassho Daizan

[Jundo]

We could even say, "enjoy the toothache," because we are lucky enough that our facial nerves are working properly! Which is paraphrasing Shohaku Okamura, or was it Uchiyama Roshi or maybe someone else, who said something to the effect of, be grateful for your stomach ache, because it means that your stomach is healthy enough to tell you when it's sick! If you can't feel your stomach, then you've got a problem.

Let me say that I do this too, and I believe that it is important to "see the bright side" and think positively. Every cloud does have a silver lining. For one small example (but big in our family), the death of our little cat some weeks ago has allowed us to welcome a very gregarious kitten into our home this week. Without one, there would not have been the other. There is that very old Chinese story ...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years.
One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "May be," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "May be," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "May be," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "May be," said the farmer.

Also, I believe that one has a better (but never guaranteed) chance of succeeding on a project in life if one holds a positive (while also "eyes open" realistic) attitude toward one's chances and getting to the goal.

But I also remind folks that, in Zazen, we also feel a kind of Great Gratitude toward the ups and downs in life which does not always manifest necessarily as an obvious feeling of gratitude ...

This "Buddha quote", however nice it sounds, is not something the Buddha likely said at all (turns out to be from the cheery 70's writer on love, Leo Buscaglia). Oh, the Buddha certainly taught us to be grateful for this precious life, but also to be Grateful (Big "G") in a way that puts down the balance sheet and any need even to hunt for the "silver lining".

What is the difference between gratitude and Great Gratitude seen in a Buddha's Eye?

(more here)
SIT-A-LONG with Jundo: gratitude & Great Gratitude

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?11275-SIT-A-LONG-with-Jundo-gratitude-Great-Gratitude

Buddha Gratitude even holds those hard times in life when gratitude is the last thing we feel!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2Wx230gYJw

Gassho, J

[Geika]

Good perspective, Kaishin.

Gassho

[Kaishin]

"Enjoy the non-toothache."

I don't know who said this, but I think of it a lot. It puts things in perspective, especially if you've experienced several days with a bad toothache.

I try to keep aware of the abiding Sun-Faced Buddha, but also welcome the Moon-Faced Buddha when he must show. Still the same Buddha, even if the Moon-Faced Buddha brings some anxiety.

We could even say, "enjoy the toothache," because we are lucky enough that our facial nerves are working properly! Which is paraphrasing Shohaku Okamura, or was it Uchiyama Roshi or maybe someone else, who said something to the effect of, be grateful for your stomach ache, because it means that your stomach is healthy enough to tell you when it's sick! If you can't feel your stomach, then you've got a problem.

As for Jundo's question, yes I think I handle things less reactively now and can better focus on the caretaker role when those around me are sick. But I am certainly not the paragon of selflessness and equanimity that I think we'd all like to be.

[Myosha]

Hello,

Can't take serious illness seriously. The broken bones, sprained joints, heart attack, blindness, coma, influenza, et.al. in this bag o' bones is none of my business. With joy I'm attached to Vows and constant neuralgia is only a condition to realize, accept, and throw away. Once the Vows are attained I intend to return to non-attachment. Life as it is.

With gratitude,



Gassho,
Myosha

[Shugen]

"Enjoy the non-toothache."

I don't know who said this, but I think of it a lot. It puts things in perspective, especially if you've experienced several days with a bad toothache.

I try to keep aware of the abiding Sun-Faced Buddha, but also welcome the Moon-Faced Buddha when he must show. Still the same Buddha, even if the Moon-Faced Buddha brings some anxiety.

Gassho


Shugen

Diana,

Beautiful story ... and yes, our furry four legged friends can sure be the beautiful expression of Bodhicitta. =)

Gassho
Shingen

[Shinzan]

Diana, what a touching remembrance.

For me, being around a relative who lost a child was the practice place. Just hanging out with whatever feelings were coming up in the family, without pushing for 'closure' or 'healing' was a challenge. Nothing I could fix, change or help. I know I blew it a couple of times and put my foot in my mouth, saying something without thinking first. Okay (sigh), then noticing that I was leaking my anxiety too.
Shinzan

[moondance]

Last Fall, I went through the death of my beloved cat, Saabo. He showed up at my house as a 4 month old kitten, the day my house was being blessed by my two Zen Master friends. His whole life was like that- magical. He was always the furry buddha in my life. About a year ago, he became ill. He went from a healthy 25 pounds to just 7 pounds when he passed. We still don't know what he died from, he had many things happen including a thyroid tumor. He was only 14 when he died.

At his last vet visit, they said he was dying and offered to "put him down" right then and there. I lost it. I brought him home and made some last strong attempts at saving him. After a couple of weeks, I finally got it. It was time and there was only one thing to do; spend every moment I could with him, helping him through it. I took time off from work. I sat with him. I prepared an altar, bought an urn, and made arrangements. I kept the house quiet and recited scriptures. I held him and looked into eyes. We spoke to each other. He was in pain and stopped eating and the rest. He was holding on. I made arrangements for a vet to come out to help him pass, a difficult decision, but the best one.

I learned more about life in that two weeks than I think I ever will. During that time I not only mourned his loss, but I regretted all the time that I had missed with him because I wasn't paying attention or was distracted. I lived more fully in that two weeks than I ever have. I realized that today, I'm facing death, right now. The only thing to do is to live fully in death, right now. He was still the whole time, he didn't talk, he didn't complain, he was just present with me and I with him. I took him for granted during life- I thought he'd live to be at least 20 years old. He taught me to live life no matter what is going on. He taught me to be with whatever is going on, even during illness or death.

The moment he passed, thunder and lightening crashed in the distance. A freak thunderstorm appeared, I thought "how perfect that he would leave this way." I carried him out to the car and a beautiful gold and pink filled the sky and lit up everything around us. I felt him rise up into the clouds. Thunder sounded. My husband and the vet looked at each other with their mouths open at the beauty of it. I wasn't surprised at all.

I changed my life after that day. Saabo brought me back to practice. He saved my life, again. He always was teaching me and he still is.

Homage to all the Buddha-Kitties in the world!

Gassho,
Diana

[Daitetsu]

Thank you!


Gassho,

Daitetsu

I sometimes describe Zen Practice as the "good kind of healthy schizophrenia!" A "split personality" that is also one beyond one or two.

Let's sit some Zazen for you and all folks waiting doctors' test results and such.


Gassho, J

Yes!

Gassho
Shingen

[Risho]

Gassho,

Risho

[Jundo]

Yes, it was painful, I did not enjoy it and sometimes I was afraid - yet at the same time there was a calmness. This sounds schizophrenic, I know.

I sometimes describe Zen Practice as the "good kind of healthy schizophrenia!" A "split personality" that is also one beyond one or two.

Let's sit some Zazen for you and all folks waiting doctors' test results and such.


Gassho, J

[Daitetsu]

Question: We have a lot of folks in this Sangha who have faced times of serious illness and the like. Has this Practice somehow allowed you to be in such times differently than you might otherwise before you walking this Practice? Please tell us.

In the last weeks I've been going through a "rough patch" (well, there are always things that are worse, I know).
It is always nice and easy to practice when everything is running smoothly, but I found out that it is during those "bad times" that our useless practise turns out to be not useless at all.
Yes, it was painful, I did not enjoy it and sometimes I was afraid - yet at the same time there was a calmness. This sounds schizophrenic, I know.
The best thing to describe it is probably Jundo's image of the light that always shines through. Even during heavy weather, there is always the blue sky behind the clouds and a light shining through.
I also remembered Kodo Sawaki's saying (which is one of my favorite mantras): "Everything you encounter is your life."
That's it - this is pain, this is a part of my life for some weeks/months, and I am experiencing it (although I'm not a masochist).

Things are getting better every day, but a whole new health issue (unrelated to the other) has come up lately. The coming weeks will show what that means, and while I am worried, there is still a sense of peace at the same time.
Don't know if this makes any sense to you...

Gassho,

Daitetsu