BOOK OF EQUANIMITY- case 23

[Risho]

I can't help but say something. I have to.... even though it's beyond words, even though I'm going to miss the mark... I will have to just by virtue of the words simply being limited pointers.

The more I sit the more I realize I create my experience. Today, at work, I expected a result.. and I saw that result. I expected the result and got what I expected. And unfortunately, it scared the hell out of me because it means I missed something. All at once, like a flood, the cold sensation of failure, the questions of how I could have allowed this to happen. I'm a professional. People expect a certain level of quality with my work. What will everyone think? Then after about a half hour, I realized that I hadn't missed anything. I was testing inaccurately. In any case, that was a wall, and it slapped me right in the face. I meet that anytime I experience what I don't want to.. the reality of my attachments to what I consider perfect were brought front and center to teach me again. and again and again... lol

And that's what I've gotten out of practice. I know you don't get anything :P but really, it's helped me see where my walls are, so I don't take myself too seriously, so I don't grasp so much.

I love Shikantaza because it shows me how I fail again and again, but it doesn't allow me to run from that failure. When I get taken in by my story, my thoughts, my wants and my drama, I have to watch it. When I come back to "this", I see what happened, that it was all a creation. Even though it feels so real, even though I just created a fantastic fantasy that I was so right, and I got that bastard back! And then I feel ashamed for having such feelings. But that's why I love the practice; sometimes its hard to face what's going on in my ego-driven mind, but that's the beauty. To not run away from it, to feel "this" amidst what my small self calls chaos. That is truly the courageous way of the bodhisattva.

Gassho,

Risho

[Shujin]

Risho speaks quite a bit of my mind on this koan - I composed the following, but I think his post is better

Reading Shishin's commentary, I took the wall to be the conditions of our life. It is a boundless boundary - neither restrictive nor liberating. When sitting upright, I am sometimes able to glimpse the emptiness of these conditions. And yet, when I get up from the cushion here they are. The wall is inescapable, so I should sit upright & face it.

Gassho,
Shujin

[Taigu]

Risho s take is great.

Gassho


Taigu

Of course there is a wall and there isn t any. Don t fix it. As to our conditions, yes they are our wall, a very neçessary one.

[Shugen]

Some days "the bell already!?" Other days "is the bell ever going to ring!?" But always....


Shugen

[jeff_u]

Often when I am doing shinkantaza I find my breathing too tight, holding it, straining my exhalations. Sometimes I forget that I am doing shinkantaza and instead find myself facing the wall. Of course as soon as I remember myself I am doing shinkantaza again.

[santosh]

Gassho,
Santosh.

[Ed]

The temperatue dropped 20 degrees
then the rain came hard, night fell

Dad and the boys died in a Sunday hike

The sun came out with a chorus of birds
Squiresl ran and chirped

Splendid day in the Ozarks

Heaven and Hell, all here.

[Nengyo]

Expressing the path with words is pointless yet necessay. When people come and inquire about the Buddha Dharma what shall we say?

I have no idea what to say about the Dharma. There are many here who are like poets, including you Taigu, when it comes to describing this way. So far, I don't know what I know, or how to say anything about it. All I can do is sit. Sit until perhaps it spills into my words one day.

Whatever you say, it will miss the mark. So what words do you have to point at the pearl?

When I find words that are empty, maybe then they will point to the pearl. Until then, my words are like the worlds biggest finger pointing at the smallest moon.

[Taigu]

Catfish,

Do you think the pearl lives outside, over there?

The moon lives in your finger, and the finger-moon pointing at the moon- finger is nothing but the very way.

Gassho

Taigu

[Heisoku]

Whatever you say, it will miss the mark. So what words do you have to point at the pearl?

Every day HERE is the pearl. Dogen wrote, 'Engaged in birth, do not be held up by birth. Engaged in death, do not be held up by death. Do not be attached to birth. Do not groundlessly fear death. Already there is buddha nature.' Here is the wall of no wall. We sit within the pearl of no pearl.

[Taigu]

Heisoku, your answer comes the closest.

Gassho


Taigu

[Nengyo]

Catfish,

Do you think the pearl lives outside, over there?

The moon lives in your finger, and the finger-moon pointing at the moon- finger is nothing but the very way.

Gassho

Taigu

It is so, but at times it is hard to feel it is... so for right now my zazen is the way. time to sit

[AlanLa]

.

[galen]

Galen,

It seems you really like playing teacher and pooring oil on fire.
Could please look into your self? I am sure it would help.

Gassho


Taigu


PS: if may add the following pointer, you have a fine mind and your wisdom ability is quite impressive, much like one of Dogen s students, you could be asked to develop your grand mother mind, embracing and compassionate mind.


Since 22 has been closed, this is my response to your last post there, Taigu.

Thank you for your opinions and perceptions here, Taigu. It is not my intention to play a teacher, but when you are over 60 I guess that could play out, but I see it as all relative. Most of what people post, whether a statement or one simple question, are teaching, just think about it. It seems in phenomena its all one big lesson. After all, our children are some of the best teachers in our lives. As far as oiling up the fire, first there has to be a fire, it seems, and if sometimes chiding or button pushing gets a burst or even left to smolder, any lesson taught or gleaned can fall back on the one doing the chiding as a projection, like it has on me here. While sometimes there could be some discomfort caused, as it may seem, and some become reactionary and defensive, in most cases insight can be gained for both sides.... life. Sometimes I am astonished at the seeming egos displayed here from those who have taken some of the precept classes, or see themselves at some higher attainment (seemingly), and while that is probably normal to become somewhat prideful, I suppose it just stands out to me and says, can I have a button pushed. Some of those have been on this site for quite sometime, and leads to a pondering of how this approach here is working.

It is nice to see your more grandmotherly side, Taigu, that has not always been the case. Actually both of mine could be quite crusty and could scare most off if they did not know them personally. Their love could be what is now seen as tough love, but very loving just the same. Thank you for your patience here.


Gassho

galen

[galen]

By the way, the so called wall is not a wall, but by now you should have that one figured out.


The fool

Seemingly a mental wall, small mind.


Gassho