The Zen Master's Dance - 4 - Fukan Zazengi (Chapter Start to Top of p. 23)
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I am very familiar with switching between negative thoughts about my illness and being more accepting. Part of this is the nature of my energy limiting disease because if I spend time with my frustrations over things being not the way they used to be then I am using up my fuel, which I have to ration. So, there is a more immediate, functional reminder for me to not waste time with my anger and profound sadness over losing the abilities I previously had. I have had to work hard to prevent that second arrow from coming in after the first. It's not just trying not to focus on the negative, it's doing so by paying attention to what is still there. Being aware of the people in my life that I do get to see and interact with. Knowing that I have a comfortable home that the healthy version of me did a fine job in preparing. Noticing the beauty that I get to see and experience. Remembering that the bad days will eventually recede.
However, I do purposely put on my "this is not acceptable hat" from time to time. I need to wear this hat in order in order to look into new treatments, to motivate me to try something new. Sometimes I need to be pissed off to make sure that I'm not being complacent and accepting something that might be improved. With this hat on I will get onto Twitter or Bluesky where I follow patient advocacy groups and researchers of my illness to see if there is something new I can try or ask my specialist about. I've made significant strides with my quality of life by changing my strategy with information gleaned while wearing this hat. But I can't wear it all the time.
I've also had moments where I'm in a different state of awareness in which I know that I'm sick, but there is absolutely no problem there. My symptoms don't go away, they just are and there's no need for there to be anything different. It's a type of observing in which there is no judging or comparing. Kind of like being in awe of seeing things as they are. Yeah, it would be nice to experience that more, but I suppose that kind of thinking is going to keep me from experiencing that more.
Gassho,
Koriki
s@lah3
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I’m a bit late to this party, I was focusing on the Platform Sutra and as we ended that study, I realized I would really miss my regularly scheduled Monday morning book club readings! So I decided to jump in here (two book clubs at once was too much to take on) and this seemed like a good place to start.
I can’t really think of one particular story or moment in my life that stands out above the rest as an example of switching back and forth between overwhelming emotion and equanimity. Really, my whole life has been like that; maybe I’ve had more than my fair share of BS, or maybe I just haven’t handled it well (likely both, actually!) but I did notice that, as I started practicing zazen (going on four years ago now, I think!) and continued to practice, I became more mindful of my mental and emotional states. Where before I would struggle not to drown, now I float with ease.
There’s a game I used to play as a child in the ocean; we would stand, often in pairs, and hold hands in the water, about chest deep, and wait for a wave. When the wave came, we would jump, riding the wave up for a moment, getting a boost as it passed under us…and the, as the wave passed, our feet would touch the bottom again. We would wait for the next wave, which we never had to wait long for. We called it “wave jumping”.
These days, the waves come a lot more frequently than I would like. But it is the ocean, after all, and that’s to be expected. I used to fight the waves, to hope that some day they will stop coming. At some point, though, I learned to jump them.
I used to have problems with insomnia. I would go to sleep alright, but I would wake up around 3AM and, as the worries, fears, sadness and pain of the past days, weeks, and months filled my head, I would be unable to get back to sleep. Slowly these nights became fewer and farther between (thankfully!). One night though, I remember having one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep and when I got up the next morning, I clearly remember thinking to myself “well, that was a bad night. That happens occasionally. Tonight will be a new night.” and I wasn’t upset about it at all.
Gassho,
SatLah,
ChikyōChikyō 知鏡
(Wisdom Mirror)
They/Them1
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Lovely Chikyo. Our practice is to learn to "bounce" with the waves of life as they come and go.
The only added part is that we realize that we are waves and the whole ocean too, not just people standing in it.
Gassho, J
stlahALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE1
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