The Zen Master's Dance - 4 - Fukan Zazengi (Chapter Start to Top of p. 23)

[Jundo]

I hope (as we recite in the Metta Verses), this finds you well and, if not, content in all your ills.

We now turn to the chapter, "The Way of Zazen Recommended for Everyone (Fukan Zazengi)," stopping before "The Basics and the Missing Ingredient," which is page 19 to the top of page 23 in paper.

I would like you to write a paragraph or two, based on an actual event in your life or an imagined situation, in which you switch back and forth between a powerful, negative emotion (such as depression or grief, anger/hate, addiction, disappointment, jealousy, strong/excessive desire for something, fear, frustration or the like) and a "letting go" and radical equanimity as I describe in those pages with my own fear due to my cancer at the time. Like hitting a switch, I could swing in and out of a sense of fear of death, loneliness and loss, and a sense of nothing to fear, wholeness/connection and nothing possible to lose. Sometimes (and somehow the best moments) I could experience BOTH ways as one, together at once. Even "death" was not a "thing," and there was no "self" to lose. I often say that there is a sense of such wholeness that, for example, there is no separate thief, no separate thing to be stolen, nothing lacking thus no need to steal.

Even so, best to lock the door when leaving the house.

Describe a situation (like how I described being in my hospital bed experiencing these feelings) in which one goes back and forth, back and forth, between knowing life both ways. I sometimes say that it is like seeing life these two ways out of two eyes, but both eyes open together bring clarity.

Gassho, Jundo
stlah

[Bob-Midwest]

I have feared not sleeping well since I was a child and have had many nights then and as an adult of tossing and turning, made so much more worse by fears, loneliness, loss of control and imagined catastrophic outcomes. The more I tried to dodge these types of nights, prevent them with various tinctures, medications and techniques, the more the pain.

I have experimented over the years, and even more so within the past year to just accept the sleeplessness, have compassion for myself and my long-fed reactions, and just stay present, letting be what is. The result has been more sleep and even more significant to me, an acceptance of the discomfort when tired the following day. I still fall back into my old fears, but am now more often able to pull back the focus and see it in a new light of acceptance, which in turn makes it OK.

I learned early on to get up and do my morning meditation, now Zazen, following each of these sleepless nights. There have been half-hour periods on the cushion when the anxiety and need to do something about the insomnia raged like a story, but I sat anyway and now can honestly say I often arrive at safe harbor in the middle of such a storm. While I don’t want to have sleepless nights, when they do come I no longer feel as helpless and carry my Zazen into my life by allowing what is.

What a gift.

bob
sat, lah

[Jundo]

Lovely Bob. May one sit as the Always Awake, the "Eye that Never Sleeps" and never needs too.

Have a good night!

Gassho, J
stlhah

[Houzan]

In early 2022 I was hit by long covid or long vax. It manifested as exhaustion, insomnia and crystal disease. The whole summer that year I spent most of my time on the couch or in bed, feeling it was an effort to raise my hand. I read about worst case ME, insomnia and crystal disease (bad idea!) and got terribly frightened that I would not be able to be there for my daughter. That I would be bound to the bed. And my anxiety increased when a year had passed and I still wasn’t better. I read this very book we are studying now, this very chapter, and my eyes teared up. They teared up because it revealed to me this “button”, this equanimity. Since then I could toggle from despair to “just this”, to surrendering WHILE still trying to get well. I could smile to my despair, and hold it gently, so to speak. This I would do over and over again. So deeply thankful for this teaching, this teacher, and this sangha

Luckily, my body has seemed to heal finally, although it did cost me some “accelerated aging”

Gassho, Hōzan
satlah

[Hosui]

I know that, in effect, there is no one to become enlightened, least of all me. I know that I will die, but I also know that there is no one who is born or dies. I’m tempted to cling to Dogen’s saying “The entire universe is one bright pearl” until I realise the futility of grasping even this, knowing that I too am that bright pearl. There is no me, only this, this eternal now, commensurate with all the buddhas, ancestors, and the radiant teaching that is the universe. I know that a (seemingly possible) pause or even an escape from this war-ridden samsara is, in fact, my foolishly discounting myself and everyone, every being, from this same this, thereby reneging on the vows I keep making. And I know that my suffering is falsely believing myself to be separate from this this, from this indescribable being. It’s been right here all along, so why fight it? So, I gain comfort - for what that’s worth - from knowing I am perfect as I am, even though I could do with a regular polish here and there in the practice of Samantabhadra’s 10 vows.

I can’t summon a single pivotal damascene moment aside from these daily reminders, and others like them. That’s not to say I won’t have a moment, or that there’s not some latent moment to be revealed via therapy. But I don’t feel the need to dig: these reminders arise naturally. And there’s no sequence to these seeming dualities either - firstly believing falsity, then realising truth - in a speed-bump fashion, but a unity, for me anyway, continuing down an ordered (admittedly autistic) road. I find myself continually asking, what is real and what is this? Zazen is the real this. Dogen’s Fukan Zazengi is a useful moment to keep finding this this.

Gassho
Hosui
sat/lah today

[Jundo]

Lovely, all. Through this practice, we truly come to feel this, profoundly, beyond just intellectual understanding.

Gassho, J
stlah

[Hokuu]

Right, so it took me some time to come up with a real story; the main issue is I don't have many what I'd call "success cases" of how zazen gave me another perspective on life.

Doing my zazen on a cushion in a city close to the border with a country that wants me dead. There is some serenity and calmness and contempt in sitting zazen, just being. What does a mountain do to become a mountain?

First comes a notification, the phone is vibrating–"There is an incoming missile". I have several seconds to hide behind two walls. It's highly unlikely it will hit my appartment buiding because why would it? Adrenaline and cortisol and whatnot fills my blood, makes my heart pound, throat gets constricted, breathing becomes harder.

BAM
There is an explosion somewhere in the city, I'm still alive. So far. One more explosion and one more again.

Notification-"No more incoming missiles".
I return to the cushion. There is the Big Nothingness, my old friend. Nothing but the Nameless, Formless, All-Encompassing Nothingness.

PS Ok, now after rereading what I wrote I feel it's probably more of a trauma response than the example of the negative emotion/radical equanimity "switch". Well, there were these moments of switching between stress and equanimity but whether it was just "brain shutdown" as a stress response or the effect of practicing zazen, I don't know

Gassho
Hokuu
satlah

[Jundo]

Everything you write is true, Hokuu, and I cannot imagine what it is to be in a war zone with incoming missiles and enemies across the border threatening death,

And yet, I know there is this without borders, without death, no war, no coming, no going.

Gassho, J
stlah

[Tairin]

I’ve used this example before. Back almost 10 years ago I was laid off from my job. It was unexpected given my role within the company and the reactions of management. It seems that the bean counters decided that I wasn’t necessary any more. I was the sole income earner for the family, so we had no buffer. At literally the same time (I mean to the day) we were dealing with some medical issues that landed my wife in the hospital. There were a couple of other things going on. Basically it was very bad timing. (Is there ever a good time to be laid off?)

I was stressed out and angry. I was very worried about my wife and the job hunt.

My practice was relatively new. I had only been practicing Zazen for 2 or 3 years tops. I did diligently sit every day but as you can imagine my sits were a mess of emotions while also trying to find acceptance and peace with my circumstances.

As with all things, time passed and life went on.


Tairin
sat today and lah

[Heikyo]

Compared to others, this may seem a bit petty, but one thing that produces very negative emotions of frustration in me is the crowds of people in London when I am trying to get to work. People walk very slowly (because they are lost in their phones) or do not know where they are going (tourists). They seem to be incredibly selfish and oblivious to other people around them (standing still at exits or in door ways).

I take a deep breath and look at it another way - I think how we are all connected, all one, and that getting angry is futile. The person walking slowly is part of the same crowd of people that contains the person moving fast. The person standing in the doorway is the same as the person trying to get past them. We are all standing in doorways, all walking slowly, even when we are walking fast to get into work on time. And once I realise that I just calmly smile and make my way through the crowd.

Gassho
Heikyo
Sat today, LAH

[Jundo]

I’ve used this example before. Back almost 10 years ago I was laid off from my job. It was unexpected given my role within the company and the reactions of management. It seems that the bean counters decided that I wasn’t necessary any more. I was the sole income earner for the family, so we had no buffer. At literally the same time (I mean to the day) we were dealing with some medical issues that landed my wife in the hospital. There were a couple of other things going on. Basically it was very bad timing. (Is there ever a good time to be laid off?)

I was stressed out and angry. I was very worried about my wife and the job hunt.

My practice was relatively new. I had only been practicing Zazen for 2 or 3 years tops. I did diligently sit every day but as you can imagine my sits were a mess of emotions while also trying to find acceptance and peace with my circumstances.

As with all things, time passed and life went on.


Tairin
sat today and lah

I am glad things stabilized for you.

But we also find in this practice some way without employed or employer, role or no role, nothing to bean count, nothing to earn, no sickness and, yes, not even a "wife."

That is true even as, also, we have food to put on the table, and medical bills to pay.

Gassho, J
stlah

[Jundo]

Compared to others, this may seem a bit petty, but one thing that produces very negative emotions of frustration in me is the crowds of people in London when I am trying to get to work. People walk very slowly (because they are lost in their phones) or do not know where they are going (tourists). They seem to be incredibly selfish and oblivious to other people around them (standing still at exits or in door ways).

I take a deep breath and look at it another way - I think how we are all connected, all one, and that getting angry is futile. The person walking slowly is part of the same crowd of people that contains the person moving fast. The person standing in the doorway is the same as the person trying to get past them. We are all standing in doorways, all walking slowly, even when we are walking fast to get into work on time. And once I realise that I just calmly smile and make my way through the crowd.

Gassho
Heikyo
Sat today, LAH

Oh, as well ... there is no "London" nor any place for people to come or go, no fast or slow to measure, no walking, no place to stand.

As well as well, not only are all "connected," but there is only I great organism walking. This person walking slowly --IS-- the person moving fast just moving slowly, and the fast mover is the slow mover fast ... and walkers --are-- standers walking, the doorway just the walkers doorwaying. London --is-- Paris in England, Beijing is London in China.

As well as well as well, you have to get to you appointment by 3:00 and all these folks are in the way!

All true.

Gassho, J
stlah

[Bob-Midwest]

Right, so it took me some time to come up with a real story; the main issue is I don't have many what I'd call "success cases" of how zazen gave me another perspective on life.

Doing my zazen on a cushion in a city close to the border with a country that wants me dead. There is some serenity and calmness and contempt in sitting zazen, just being. What does a mountain do to become a mountain?

First comes a notification, the phone is vibrating–"There is an incoming missile". I have several seconds to hide behind two walls. It's highly unlikely it will hit my appartment buiding because why would it? Adrenaline and cortisol and whatnot fills my blood, makes my heart pound, throat gets constricted, breathing becomes harder.

BAM
There is an explosion somewhere in the city, I'm still alive. So far. One more explosion and one more again.

Notification-"No more incoming missiles".
I return to the cushion. There is the Big Nothingness, my old friend. Nothing but the Nameless, Formless, All-Encompassing Nothingness.

PS Ok, now after rereading what I wrote I feel it's probably more of a trauma response than the example of the negative emotion/radical equanimity "switch". Well, there were these moments of switching between stress and equanimity but whether it was just "brain shutdown" as a stress response or the effect of practicing zazen, I don't know

Gassho
Hokuu
satlah

This is so heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could do to help, but can offer my witness to the pain of you and others. You are seen and heard.
I also apologize for and am ashamed of the schizophrenic and seemingly uncaring response or lack of response by my government.
Deep bow to you.

bob
sat, lah

[Furyu]

I sometimes get anxiety attacks verging on panic. This can happen fairly randomly but luckily, not very often. It has physical symptoms like butterflies in my stomach, my mouth feeling dry and also a general sense of mental block and anxiety, where it feels like there’s no way I could accomplish anything that I need to in the next few days. It’s normally about things that I should not be worried about… It’s a very unpleasant experience that can take a day or two to settle. Fortunately, having had this experience before, and with years of meditation practice behind me - though not all zazen-, learning simply to observe and let go, I can see these things coming. I know what is happening as the dread and discomfort sneaks in, as the anxiety deepens. I am able to feel the awfulness and at the same time know that’s it’s going to be ok, that I just need to sit with it without getting drawn in. It’s like seeing two realities at once. Rational, irrational; reality, delusion. They co-exist and they are both ok, at the same time.

Furyu
sat-lah

[Jundo]

Everything you write is true, Hokuu, and I cannot imagine what it is to be in a war zone with incoming missiles and enemies across the border threatening death,

And yet, I know there is this without borders, without death, no war, no coming, no going.

Gassho, J
stlah

And Hokuu, I want to add one more aspect, although not really part of the lesson ...

We Buddhist also meet hate with love, war with peace.

So, there are incoming missiles and enemies ...

And there is no coming or going, no hate and no hated ...

But also, do not forget to rise from the cushion and, as best you can, meet violence with non-violence, hate with caring, destruction with charity and the like, working for a better world someday free of war and violence.

This is our way. All above is true at once.

Gassho, J
stlah