This is a long post. I hope it might encourage others who are going through difficult times and whose practice might appear to have suffered.
After 8 years together and 3 years of marriage, my wife and I agreed to separate three weeks ago. You could say there was a mutual acceptance that our relationship has become unhealthy and codependent. Neither of us were happy. The future remains uncertain.
When my mind is calm, I can see the suffering we inadvertently caused one another and mixed in with the grief and loss are feelings of guilt, shame, and a deep sense of inadequacy. She has shared similar feelings since the separation.
These difficult feelings have also affected my practice. I've avoided zazen to prioritise activities that distract me from anxiety and anger. This then feeds into the cycle of guilt and perceived inadequacy and prevents me from facing the things I probably need to confront.
Zen practice is helping me to realise that all these things being experienced (and avoided) are expressions of boundless reality. If I consciously avoid zazen, this is the reality of "I" consciously avoiding zazen. When I know that I'm avoiding my commitments and this avoidance is feeding into a cycle of perceived inadequacy, I accept that it is just so.
This isn't acceptance in the traditional sense. It certainly isn't that I feel okay about the current situation or that I plan to lie back and let things fall apart. I just experience the boundlessness of reality, beyond okay and not-okay. I experience its wholeness, which I now realise is infinite. Then I try to do whatever seems best, moment by moment.
There aren't enough bows in the world to convey my gratitude to all those who practice and teach Buddha Dharma. Nevertheless, deep bows to you all.
Gassho,
Enjaku,
Sitting non-sitting
After 8 years together and 3 years of marriage, my wife and I agreed to separate three weeks ago. You could say there was a mutual acceptance that our relationship has become unhealthy and codependent. Neither of us were happy. The future remains uncertain.
When my mind is calm, I can see the suffering we inadvertently caused one another and mixed in with the grief and loss are feelings of guilt, shame, and a deep sense of inadequacy. She has shared similar feelings since the separation.
These difficult feelings have also affected my practice. I've avoided zazen to prioritise activities that distract me from anxiety and anger. This then feeds into the cycle of guilt and perceived inadequacy and prevents me from facing the things I probably need to confront.
Zen practice is helping me to realise that all these things being experienced (and avoided) are expressions of boundless reality. If I consciously avoid zazen, this is the reality of "I" consciously avoiding zazen. When I know that I'm avoiding my commitments and this avoidance is feeding into a cycle of perceived inadequacy, I accept that it is just so.
This isn't acceptance in the traditional sense. It certainly isn't that I feel okay about the current situation or that I plan to lie back and let things fall apart. I just experience the boundlessness of reality, beyond okay and not-okay. I experience its wholeness, which I now realise is infinite. Then I try to do whatever seems best, moment by moment.
There aren't enough bows in the world to convey my gratitude to all those who practice and teach Buddha Dharma. Nevertheless, deep bows to you all.
Gassho,
Enjaku,
Sitting non-sitting
for positive poetry 優婆塞 台 婆
I myself have had some crazy times lately, with more frustration than peace....but in all the frustration, there are always moments of calm. In those moments, don't think about the shame and guilt that you feel -- see it, acknowledge it, and let it go. You are taking actions to fix your situation even by recognizing what you want to change. You and your wife have seen what you need to change, and you are freeing yourselves from those things.....it's not an end, but a beginning. You never know....maybe after you both heal, things may change again.
Comment