Hello !
I'm wondering if you guys also go through what i am experiencing right now : the coming and going of old demons, meaning, by that, the good old fears or psychological "stuff" that bothers you from time to time on a more or less regular basis and that seems to be "part of you".
I'm kind of disappointed right now because, well, i started sitting zazen a few years ago to end this kind of bullshit : for me, mostly, it's health anxiety : for example this time i got a bit sick, i began over worrying about it, then from the worry my throat felt tight, i felt it during zazen, and i began to worry about my throat being tight, and the more i worried the tighter it became, until i began to fear that i could not swallow or breathe anymore because of the lump in my throat (which is of course totally untrue or i would not be there writing about it). Of course usually after a few days of this i have a cancer or the worst unknown disease in the world. This kind of "crisis" happens regularly in my life, often starting when i'm really tired or when i'm in some kind of transition (changing job, changing home, changing woman, etc.).
Thing is, at first zazen helped me a lot ; i mean, for two years i did not have this kind of anxiety anymore. I thought that somehow it was over. It really pains me to see that i can fall in that trap again. Still i notice that i have made some progress : i can now be calm and experience the emotional storm without it leading me to do stupid things, like really panic, call 911 or stuff like that.
But i'm really blocked with the fear of my own body aging and being uncomfortable, i often feel like it's my enemy. I begin to see that i have to allow everything in zazen, and maybe during those last months of practice i did not do it but tried to do "good zazens". In the middle of anxiety and discomfort, for the first time yesterday, i could allow everything to be as it was, and i felt a tremendous comfort in that, in a "well, let me die here if i must" kind of way. Sadly, if i know this attitude in zazen, it's really more difficult during "everyday life". Especially the fact that this attitude, in fact, should not be "commanded" by will ; if i begin to "try" to feel like letting go, it doesnt work - and it's really harder to have this frame of mind during work for example (im a teacher).
Maybe all of this is a kind of lesson ? Because this forces me to change my attitude in zazen, to explore new ways of being and to try to make peace with discomfort. Kind of sad it has to go through crises to evolve. I also see now that i kind of thought, without being really conscious of it, that zazen "protected" me or something like that. Now i see that it's the opposite attitude that "works" : zazen is really good for nothing, and if it makes you strong, it's by making you acknowledge that you are completely vulnerable, and the weakest thing on earth. Which in a way is a relief.
Oh well. Started as a question, ended as rambling, sorry.
Ugrok
Sat Today
I'm wondering if you guys also go through what i am experiencing right now : the coming and going of old demons, meaning, by that, the good old fears or psychological "stuff" that bothers you from time to time on a more or less regular basis and that seems to be "part of you".
I'm kind of disappointed right now because, well, i started sitting zazen a few years ago to end this kind of bullshit : for me, mostly, it's health anxiety : for example this time i got a bit sick, i began over worrying about it, then from the worry my throat felt tight, i felt it during zazen, and i began to worry about my throat being tight, and the more i worried the tighter it became, until i began to fear that i could not swallow or breathe anymore because of the lump in my throat (which is of course totally untrue or i would not be there writing about it). Of course usually after a few days of this i have a cancer or the worst unknown disease in the world. This kind of "crisis" happens regularly in my life, often starting when i'm really tired or when i'm in some kind of transition (changing job, changing home, changing woman, etc.).
Thing is, at first zazen helped me a lot ; i mean, for two years i did not have this kind of anxiety anymore. I thought that somehow it was over. It really pains me to see that i can fall in that trap again. Still i notice that i have made some progress : i can now be calm and experience the emotional storm without it leading me to do stupid things, like really panic, call 911 or stuff like that.
But i'm really blocked with the fear of my own body aging and being uncomfortable, i often feel like it's my enemy. I begin to see that i have to allow everything in zazen, and maybe during those last months of practice i did not do it but tried to do "good zazens". In the middle of anxiety and discomfort, for the first time yesterday, i could allow everything to be as it was, and i felt a tremendous comfort in that, in a "well, let me die here if i must" kind of way. Sadly, if i know this attitude in zazen, it's really more difficult during "everyday life". Especially the fact that this attitude, in fact, should not be "commanded" by will ; if i begin to "try" to feel like letting go, it doesnt work - and it's really harder to have this frame of mind during work for example (im a teacher).
Maybe all of this is a kind of lesson ? Because this forces me to change my attitude in zazen, to explore new ways of being and to try to make peace with discomfort. Kind of sad it has to go through crises to evolve. I also see now that i kind of thought, without being really conscious of it, that zazen "protected" me or something like that. Now i see that it's the opposite attitude that "works" : zazen is really good for nothing, and if it makes you strong, it's by making you acknowledge that you are completely vulnerable, and the weakest thing on earth. Which in a way is a relief.
Oh well. Started as a question, ended as rambling, sorry.
Ugrok
Sat Today
Comment