Discomfort with Self

[TaraB]

Hello all,

I'm becoming increasingly aware, both on my zafu and off, of a deep discomfort with just being with myself, or even just being present in my own life. During zazen, I see it in my mind wandering, and in the rising of feelings of irritation and anxiousness. During my day to day life it is manifest in my addiction to distractions like my phone. When I try to put my phone away and just be present, I encounter the same anxious feelings I get during zazen.

I realize this is just a step along the path, and that this will pass (at least, I hope it will!) I want so much to be present in my life, for myself and for my kids and my partner. I suppose part of the problem is that life with 3 small children is so intense and overwhelming! But even in the still point of zazen, I have a difficult time just being.

I've been working at accepting life as it is, where it is, in feeling the completeness of that and not always questing for the next thing, the thing that will make it all better. Maybe I need to drop even that want, that "work" and just be present, even if just for a moment. And then those moments will become more and more frequent.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at, just some thoughts of my own practise I wanted to share.

I'm so grateful to have found Treeleaf.

Gassho,

Tara

Sat today.


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[Kokuu]

Hi Tara

I used to have this a lot too and think that one of the problems in western practice is that we go from a hectic 24/7 lifestyle straight to sitting and expect the mind to quiet or settle pretty quickly.

One teacher I knew taught that meditation was like a snow globe gradually settling. Most of the time we are in the shaken up stage but sitting allows things to settle. Perhaps our modern lives take longer to settle?

Ways around this can be to institute lots of mini breaks in your days with just sitting with tea and no stimulation and turning off the phone/tv/radio for short periods of time or just doing one thing at once rather than always multi-tasking (as a parent I know how impossible this can be, though, and remember how things were when my three were younger!) Short sessions of yoga before sitting can calm the mind and body too. I find it impossible to feel comfortable with myself when my body is tight. If we can afford it, most of us would benefit from regular massage sessions. It is hard with small children, and I know Joyo can probably relate to that as can other members.

Thank you for your practice.

Gassho
Kokuu
#sattoday

[Jishin]

Hi Tara,

No need to be anything other yourself. You are perfect as you are. Not one thing missing.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Jakuden]

Hi Tara,

No need to be anything other yourself. You are perfect as you are. Not one thing missing.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Ditto!

You've summed up practice in a nutshell pretty nicely...

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday

[Joyo]

Hi Tara, already great points here.

I just wanted to add, I am a mom to two boys. They are a bit older now, but I will never forget the days when they were young. Yes, it is very intense and overwhelming. There is a wonderful book called Buddhism for Mothers, you can find it on amazon. I would highly recommend it. Hang in there, parenting is a tough job that requires much energy. As Jishin said, you don't need to be anyone but yourself. Sometimes it just takes some practice, on and off the cushion, to come to that realization =)

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Mp]

Hi Tara,

No need to be anything other yourself. You are perfect as you are. Not one thing missing.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

This is some wise words! If we come from this place within our heart and mind, we have a solid foundation to live life at its fullest. =)

Gassho
Shingen

s@today

[Ongen]

Hi Tara,

Great advice given already. And being a father of two teens with high puberty levels I hear you

You write:

But even in the still point of zazen, I have a difficult time just being.

The thing is, truely there is nothing else you can do. "Just being" is not hard at all, in fact you're already doing it!
Just don't worry too much about it. Sit. Let your thoughts go and only pay attention to your breath. Repeat. It will get easier!

“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.” ~ Bashō

Gassho

Ongen
Sat Today

[Jundo]

Hi Tara,

This sounds to me like Dukkha, "suffering" in its Buddhist meaning, and the point of this whole Path for a few thousand years. You feel "discomfort with self", and for thousands of years Buddhists have been seeking to transcend or be free of that self precisely because of the discomfort involved.

The bad news is that it is never possible to fully escape that "discomfort with self" fully while a human being ... not until one becomes a perfect Buddha perhaps.

The good news (or, better said, the "Good" right through "good vs. bad" news) is that it is possible to be fully free and see through this "discomfort with self" by realizing the "non-self" that is fully at peace ... and one is and has always been Buddha all along.

All True at once as one.

If that sounds like a Koan and a contradiction ... it is.

Sometimes, we all get up on the wrong side of the bed or fall in the mud. Such is life.

However, beyond all measure of time, there are no "sides" ever wrong and no self or place to fall.

Nonethless, sometimes we all get up on the wrong side, fall and feel "discomfort with self". A Koan.

Gassho, J

SatToday

PS - Dogen wrote in the Genjo ...

As all things are buddha-dharma, there are delusion, realization, practice, birth and death, buddhas and sentient beings. As myriad things are without an abiding self, there is no delusion, no realization, no buddha, no sentient being, no birth and death. The buddha way, in essence, is leaping clear of abundance and lack; thus there are birth and death, delusion and realization, sentient beings and buddhas. Yet in attachment blossoms fall, and in aversion weeds spread.

Nonetheless, blossoms fall and weeds grow. The sun shines even hidden behind the darkest clouds, nonetheless the rain falls.

I could make you bullshit promises about how this Practice will make all your roses blossom and never a weed, but that is not what it is about. Perhaps it is best to say that we find the Lotus Flower that always blossoms in the mud, the Buddha Flower held up for Mahakasyapa.

Once when the World-Honoured One, in ancient times, was upon Mount Grdhrakuta, he held up a flower before the congregation of monks. At this time all were silent, but the Venerable Kasyapa only smiled.

Reminds me of this old 60's song.

[Kyonin]

Hi Tara,

Zazen practice has this particular feature to bring up things we don't like... like bubbles. But at the same time we learn to let them go and not to judge or comment on them. You'll find that the more you practice, the more you'll be able to just watch, acknowledge them and let them drift without making harm.

Like Jundo said, it's all part of the package of being human. But that's not a bad thing at all

Gassho,

Kyonin
#SatToday

[alan.r]

Hi Tara,

I think what Jundo says about the lotus flower in the mud is perfect, because the reality is that we can’t be anywhere else than we already are, that we are already present in our life, and yet, through something like anxiety, we feel we aren’t. You definitely aren’t alone – I think our culture is basically designed to make us feel anxiety. I’ve gone through years and years of it, and still work on it all the time (with nothing to gain and nowhere to go). Our culture, and probably just being human, sets us up to want to get the next thing, eat the next thing, be entertained by the next thing, progress to the next thing, so that we’re always judging ourselves and our situations in order to see if we’ve done enough, worked hard enough, relaxed too much, stared at our phones too much, etc.

I would say: be easier on yourself. It’s so easy to compound anxiety by feeling that we’re not being mindful or present enough or that our life needs to be different. Dogen says that zazen is the dharma gate of ease and joy, and I think what this means is that settling into reality is like a body settling after a run. At first muscles are on fire, still taught, blood is pumping, heart is going; this is the metaphor for our life in the world, often full of anxieties which are programmed into us by our self-seeking culture. But continuing with the run metaphor, we don’t get stressed out that our body isn’t settling quick enough – we just allow it to happen. After some time, our body relaxes, and we rest. Same for our mind. Just have to give it some time, and allow yourself to be easy on yourself.

Gassho,
Alan
Sattoday

[TaraB]

Discomfort with Self

Thank you all so much for your wisdom. Much to ponder here (or not ponder, just sit with) and the perfect time to do it. A five hour drive ahead of me as we travel to visit family.

Gassho!

Tara


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[Kaishin]

Hello all,

I'm becoming increasingly aware, both on my zafu and off, of a deep discomfort with just being with myself, or even just being present in my own life. During zazen, I see it in my mind wandering, and in the rising of feelings of irritation and anxiousness. During my day to day life it is manifest in my addiction to distractions like my phone. When I try to put my phone away and just be present, I encounter the same anxious feelings I get during zazen.

I realize this is just a step along the path, and that this will pass (at least, I hope it will!) I want so much to be present in my life, for myself and for my kids and my partner. I suppose part of the problem is that life with 3 small children is so intense and overwhelming! But even in the still point of zazen, I have a difficult time just being.

I've been working at accepting life as it is, where it is, in feeling the completeness of that and not always questing for the next thing, the thing that will make it all better. Maybe I need to drop even that want, that "work" and just be present, even if just for a moment. And then those moments will become more and more frequent.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at, just some thoughts of my own practise I wanted to share.

I'm so grateful to have found Treeleaf.

Gassho,

Tara

Sat today.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know how you feel! What I've found is that ultimately you've just got to drop those useless habits. This practice won't magically make all those uncomfortable things go away, but it will reveal their roots, making them easier to pull up. Over time, self-acceptance comes more easily, and the addictions start to fall away as you stop feeding them.

BUT

It never ends. This practice goes on forever and ever. It's very easy to fall off the horse and start chasing meaningless distractions again. So just keep sitting.

Hi Tara,

No need to be anything other yourself. You are perfect as you are. Not one thing missing.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Jishin is right. You are perfect just as you are! But as Sunryu Suzuki said:

Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.

[Tanjin]

I believe what you are describing is what Tara Brach calls "the trance of unworthiness" in her book Radical Acceptance . She describes, and I've seen described elsewhere, a story in which the translator for the Dalai Lama had much difficulty explaining to him the concept of low self-esteem for there is apparently not an equivalent concept in the Tibetan language. This points to the fact that the problem of dissatisfaction with self has some unique Western cultural components that are a part of the conditioning that gives rise to our sense of suffering, and which fuels the illusion that there is a need to engage in "personal improvement". It seems to me that the only thing that needs to be done is to see what has always in its perfection been there.

Gassho,
Jimmy
Sattoday

[Byrne]

when everyone sits, everyone is doing the same exact thing.

Gassho

Sat Today

[Meian]

Hi Tara,

My version, as a mother of a teenager and a "tween", and work, and school, is I do 5 or 10 minutes some days if I have to. Or driving (radio off, etc, complete silence in car), or walking meditations (no music or chats, just silence). Whatever i can fit in small snatches of time throughout the day - it helps me! Other days I can do longer zazen.

Do what works for you, and so much great advice in these responses. You're here, and you're learning with us and we're all learning with you!

Thanks for sharing ♡♡

Gassho
Kim
Sat today

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