Anger after zazen

[Rich]

If I felt anger after zazen, I would pound a pillow until it was all gone 😣
🙏
Sat today

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[Meian]

I was deployed on an emergency today with work, on what is considered a "bad call" with a family situation and an accident that landed my patient in the hospital.

Without details and short version, i was fine during the incident and handled everything as usual, no problem, dispatch, fire, medics, etc. After it was finished and i headed home, I fell apart in the car - from what my father calls a "perfect storm" of events. I wanted to put Insight on but couldn't. I got home and just sat in the car, overwhelmed. I had a cd blasting in the stereo to drown out my emotions. I sat there like that for about 30 minutes, letting out so much anger and grief over this family, until i was calm enough to go in my house.

I'm hoping to zazen before sleep tonight, but this call is so fresh in my mind, I'm still processing everything that happened. I don't know if that is good, and still zazen and just let it flow, grief, anger and all? Or wait until i process the really ugly side of my work and get the mud out.

I think i should zazen and let 'whatever' happen. This is my life.

I had a thought earlier that i need Buddhism to be able to handle even the worst parts of what I deal with (including in my job) if it and I will be lifelong companions. I think Buddhism can handle anything.

Gassho
Kim
Sat today

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[Jakuden]

Dearest Kim,
All any of us can do is just sit with what comes up. Be with the grief and anger but do not narrate, play scenes of it over, or ruminate about it. Going through it one time today was plenty. Now you are safe and sitting with your Sangha, across all space and time. There is no job, no best or worst, nothing to handle, just the "suchness" of this moment. You can do it!
Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday


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[Jundo]

I was deployed on an emergency today with work, on what is considered a "bad call" with a family situation and an accident that landed my patient in the hospital.

Without details and short version, i was fine during the incident and handled everything as usual, no problem, dispatch, fire, medics, etc. After it was finished and i headed home, I fell apart in the car - from what my father calls a "perfect storm" of events. I wanted to put Insight on but couldn't. I got home and just sat in the car, overwhelmed. I had a cd blasting in the stereo to drown out my emotions. I sat there like that for about 30 minutes, letting out so much anger and grief over this family, until i was calm enough to go in my house.

I'm hoping to zazen before sleep tonight, but this call is so fresh in my mind, I'm still processing everything that happened. I don't know if that is good, and still zazen and just let it flow, grief, anger and all? Or wait until i process the really ugly side of my work and get the mud out.

I think i should zazen and let 'whatever' happen. This is my life.

I had a thought earlier that i need Buddhism to be able to handle even the worst parts of what I deal with (including in my job) if it and I will be lifelong companions. I think Buddhism can handle anything.

Gassho
Kim
Sat today

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I do not believe that this Practice needs to turn us into emotional robots. Many folks are pretty good in an emergency, and it hits them after.

Sometimes we just need to find a mountain top and yell ... and sometimes sit in a car with the Sex Pistols blasting ...

Sometimes we just laugh it off ... sometimes we need a good cry ...

... and then we sit Zazen, letting stormy days just be stormy. Follow the breath, sit in a balanced posture and let the wind blow inside. Know in your heart that, behind the darkest storms, the sun still shines though temporarily hidden. Know in one's bones that all is just passing "mind theatre", today's emotional show for the moment. Know in one's toes that rainy days are just rainy, sunny days are sunny, stormy days storm ... the sky is ever clear, open, bright and boundless.

Repeat as needed.

Gassho, J

SatToday (in a mental drizzle)

[Meian]

Jakuden and Jundo, thank you both. Yes. Much appreciated ♡

Gassho
Kim
Sat today

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[Mp]

I do not believe that this Practice needs to turn us into emotional robots. Many folks are pretty good in an emergency, and it hits them after.

Sometimes we just need to find a mountain top and yell ... and sometimes sit in a car with the Sex Pistols blasting ...

Sometimes we just laugh it off ... sometimes we need a good cry ...

... and then we sit Zazen, letting stormy days just be stormy. Follow the breath, sit in a balanced posture and let the wind blow inside. Know in your heart that, behind the darkest storms, the sun still shines though temporarily hidden. Know in one's bones that all is just passing "mind theatre", today's emotional show for the moment. Know in one's toes that rainy days are just rainy, sunny days are sunny, stormy days storm ... the sky is ever clear, open, bright and boundless.

Repeat as needed.

Gassho, J

SatToday (in a mental drizzle)

Yes!

Gassho
Shingen

s@today

[Meian]

I just spoke to my supervisor this morning ..... she cleared me to visit my patient in the hospital. Officially they discourage this, but they understand what we go through.

Grateful for my sangha and a compassionate supervisor.

Gassho
Kim sat today

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[Byokan]

Hi Kliff,

I've had this happen, too, of course (also - hello. I'm Alan. We recently had a baby, and I haven't been on this forum too often). What I realized I was doing was this: I was sitting and then I wasn't. It's not that I was "returning" to samsara, it's that I was ending practice, cutting it off, rather than bringing it off the cushion. In other words, I was practicing for myself. I was, as Dogen says, "conveying myself toward all things" in order to get peaceful and enlightened and know reality. Zazen was pleasant, quiet time I enjoyed, a place for me and my understanding, and when I got up, I had to do stuff, dammit, and deal with people, etc, when I'm trying to get calm and enlightened here! When I recognized this over time, my annoyance at the world was because I wasn't allowing the myriad things to come and carry out practice-enlightenment through the self. I was making my practice about myself, rather than practicing for and with and as all beings.

I hope this helps some.

Gassho,
Alan
sat today

Golden. Thank you Alan.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

p.s. Congratulations on your new little Buddha!

[Ryudo]

Thank you.

Gassho
Marcus
SatToday/LAH