How to be a Buddhist and not be taken advantage of.

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  • bluecat
    Member
    • Nov 2014
    • 16

    How to be a Buddhist and not be taken advantage of.

    At times recently I have been struggling with trying to live with my understanding of Buddhist thought/ethics/practice and those in Western society who may view those ideals as weakness.

    For a most recent example, I was waiting in line to buy cheese at the deli counter. It was obvious, at least to me, that there was a line and that I was next in it. When a worker was available and stated "who is next" another person said they were, when I corrected them they proceeded with their order as though I was not even there. Anger welled up along with some other emotions but I recognized them for what they were, wished that person had been more respectfully but was able to calm myself by thinking that I can not expect everyone to live by my philosophy and waited until another clerk was available.
    As I continued my journey through the supermarket though I could not let the feeling that I should have been more aggressive, should have stood up for myself more, and do have the right to expect that people in society will abide by some sore of societal norms and not everyone can be all about themselves. How do others who may have more experience or more time on the cushion than I deal with these sorts of things (stolen parking spots, line cutters, rudeness, etc.)?

    Now obviously I could just move on and forget this occurred and be just as happy tomorrow as if I spend anymore time thinking about it. However it has brought up many feelings of how I can or should behave as a Buddhist while trying to continue being a supervisor of mostly type A personalities, a father of three young children, and a husband/son/friend. My work group is about 48 people who are constantly looking and probing for any perceived weakness for them to take advantage of. My kids, like many kids, will take as much as they can get away with and push right up to (or sometimes over) the edge.

    I greatly appreciate any insights you can provide and look forward to any discussion this post may generate.

    Sat today.
  • Kokuu
    Treeleaf Priest
    • Nov 2012
    • 6844

    #2
    Hi Bluecat

    Sometimes we act with compassion by letting others have the space, place in the line or last cookie. Sometimes we act with compassion by setting appropriate boundaries and not letting others take more than we have to give or they need. Kindess does not equal being a pushover.

    I find it is good to remember that everyone is the product of their environment and modern culture in the west tends to emphasise putting yourself first in order to make sure you get what you want, even if that involves being less than kind to others. Do you want to follow that example or instead treat others with kindness? Sometimes our kindness will get taken advantage of but that is the way of life and as far as I am concerned, is better than not giving at all.

    Standing up for yourself can be good, standing up for others is almost always good. If this needs to be done it can be done with kindness with words such as "I am not sure you realised but I/this other person was next in the queue." Some battles are more worthwhile to fight over than others, though. Sometimes someone may just be having a bad day or be in a hurry for a reason we are unaware of. Other times it may be their standard way of being. People who are routinely rude to others are rarely happy in themselves and are acting from a place of lack. Regardless of whether we address this or not, it is likely that others will and their path through life will be less than easy.

    As HH Dalai Lama said - "If you want to be happy, practice compassion. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion." Along with that compassion it is good to remember that each situation should be dealt with on its own merits rather than always applying the same solution.

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    #satoday

    Comment

    • Rich
      Member
      • Apr 2009
      • 2614

      #3
      Ditto on kokuu. that person may not have been aware you were next. We have been conditioned to be aggressive and competitive when in truth there are resources enough for everyone. When someone cuts me off, cuts in front etc. It just makes me smile 😊 but I still curse at reckless drivers 😒. The important point is to let it go and move on. Life is too wonderful.
      Also, I don't feel that Buddhist ethics and practice make me appear weak or act weak. There is always more time than we think.

      I think with more practice what's truly important becomes more apparent.

      SAT today
      _/_
      Rich
      MUHYO
      無 (MU, Emptiness) and 氷 (HYO, Ice) ... Emptiness Ice ...

      https://instagram.com/notmovingmind

      Comment

      • Myosha
        Member
        • Mar 2013
        • 2974

        #4
        Hello,

        As this is conditional, cause and effect truly rule. Letting go and and allowing that which forms can, sometimes, be a comfort; and karma makes you laugh.

        Every day is a good day.


        Gassho
        Myosha sat today
        "Recognize suffering, remove suffering." - Shakyamuni Buddha when asked, "Uhm . . .what?"

        Comment

        • Jishin
          Member
          • Oct 2012
          • 4821

          #5
          Hi Bluecat,

          Grow some balls and do what is right.

          Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

          Comment

          • bluecat
            Member
            • Nov 2014
            • 16

            #6
            My balls have gotten me in enough trouble, thanks though.

            What is right is what I am trying to uncover.

            Sat today

            Comment

            • Jishin
              Member
              • Oct 2012
              • 4821

              #7
              Hi,

              I usually know what's right. I just lack the balls to do it though.

              Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

              Comment

              • Byokan
                Treeleaf Unsui
                • Apr 2014
                • 4289

                #8
                Bleccchhh. Balls. Again?

                Happy Testicular Holidays, boys!

                Gassho
                Lisa
                sat today
                keeping my ovaries out of it for now
                Last edited by Byokan; 12-24-2015, 10:17 PM.
                展道 渺寛 Tendō Byōkan
                Please take my words with a big grain of salt. I know nothing. Wisdom is only found in our whole-hearted practice together.

                Comment

                • Jishin
                  Member
                  • Oct 2012
                  • 4821

                  #9
                  Happy Holidays Lisa!

                  Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

                  Comment

                  • Byokan
                    Treeleaf Unsui
                    • Apr 2014
                    • 4289

                    #10
                    Originally posted by Jishin
                    Happy Holidays Lisa!

                    Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_



                    Gassho
                    Lisa
                    sat today
                    展道 渺寛 Tendō Byōkan
                    Please take my words with a big grain of salt. I know nothing. Wisdom is only found in our whole-hearted practice together.

                    Comment

                    • Jakuden
                      Member
                      • Jun 2015
                      • 6141

                      #11
                      LOL! Refraining from tempting jokes about Christmas balls.

                      Bluecat, do you by any chance live on Long Island, NY? I moved out of there when I went to college but still have family on Western LI, so I go to visit. I have noticed when I go to the supermarket there and wait in the the deli line (actually "on" the deli line, if you are from LI) people sometimes purposely barge into the line the way you described, sometimes brazenly, in front of myself and others. Sometimes folks in the line say something, sometimes the counter person then asks for their number (with so many people they have to take a tag), sometimes they get away with it. I just chuckle and think that if it's that important to someone to be first in line, I'm glad to let them go, although I doubt somehow that it really brings them any joy. It also keeps me in appreciation of the little supermarket in my hometown in Upstate NY where everyone is usually courteous and friendly.

                      Gassho,
                      Sierra
                      SatToday

                      Comment

                      • Jundo
                        Treeleaf Founder and Priest
                        • Apr 2006
                        • 40351

                        #12
                        Some wonderful guidance here from our wise folks.

                        I would just add that some things in the world may be worth being more assertive about than others. Maybe one should be assertive and outspoken about social injustice, global warming, ending a war, harm to one's children and the like, and maybe cheese and cole slaw at the deli is not so important. In the latter case, I might speak up politely and say, "excuse me, but people are in line", but I smile, say it politely without rudeness or anger, and try not to get worked up if they ignore me nonetheless. Anger should not be part of it in any case. (Of course, human beings are hard wired in the most primitive parts of our brain to react with anger at someone violating our "territory", but as Buddhist we should learn to quiet those fires before they burn too hot).

                        For ending a war or social injustice, it is sometimes necessary to march, carry a bull horn and organize a boycott. While there is room for a certain disgust in the face of a serious social wrong, there is also no room for anger (how foolish to be "angry" in trying to end anger, violence and war! In fact, the calm and focused, but determined, social reformer will last longer than the "hot head" who burns out quickly).

                        As a father of children, a manager of my small translation office or the manager of this Sangha's administrative affairs and training, I sometimes need to be firm too sometimes. Still, anger should not play a part. (If you read a lot of Dogen's writings such as the Zuimonki, you see a fellow sometimes needing to keep his monks in line as if herding cats! He was a tough cookie).

                        Being a Zen guy does not mean one need be a total pushover.

                        Gassho, Jundo

                        SatToday
                        Last edited by Jundo; 12-25-2015, 03:55 AM.
                        ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

                        Comment

                        • Joyo

                          #13
                          As Kokuu said, we can still be acting with compassion by setting appropriate boundaries. I found a Buddhist term one time "idiot compassion" that meant exactly how it sounds, too compassionate, basically being a pushover. So just make sure you pick your battles wisely, something are just worth letting go, and others not so much.

                          This is a lifelong thing. It's part of practice and I'm sure I'm not the only one who makes mistakes in this area, and learns along the way, so be kind to yourself. =)

                          Gassho,
                          Joyo
                          just sat

                          Comment

                          • Jundo
                            Treeleaf Founder and Priest
                            • Apr 2006
                            • 40351

                            #14
                            Happens that I thought of this thread today as I started to get edgy when someone cut ahead of me for a parking space at the grocery.

                            Felt it welling up, let it go ... smiled at the person ... found another space.

                            In Buddha's Parking Lot, space for everyone!

                            Gassho, J

                            SatToday
                            ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

                            Comment

                            • Mp

                              #15
                              I have a similar story ... heading off to class go Tim Hortons for a coffee, sitting in line waiting my turn in the drive through. Just as it's my turn this guy pulls right in front. I too was like, "hey, what are you doing"? Got me a bit ruffed under the feathers until I get up to the pay window, low and behold the guy paid for my coffee an told them to pass on a sorry, as he didn't see me there. Then as I was driving to class I saw him in his truck, he noticed me, a tip of our coffees, a smile, and all was good.

                              The thing I learned most from that was not all things are was they seem ... it was a dark morning, he may not have seen me. He might have been late for work and his boss might not be as forgiving. We all make mistakes, it is what we do with those mistakes that matters. =)

                              Gassho
                              Shingen

                              #sattoday #hohoho

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