Stuck on "shoulds"

[Byokan]

Sometimes we just need to stop and take a break or a vacation.

SAT today

Whaa - huh?? Stop? Break? Vacation?
That looks like English but I don't understand any of those words.
I will sit with this koan, Rich.

Gassho
Lisa, forging ahead
But did sit today

[Rich]

Lisa,
With Google maps and street view you can take a virtual vacation. -)😊

SAT today

[Joyo]

Thank you, Jundo, for your example in regards to pushing your daughter on the swing, and to everyone else who posted here. Sierra, do you think this is the mommy guilt thing? I've found this to be something that mothers especially have. If I am playing with my kids I "should" be making them food, if I am making them food I "should" be playing with them. Or I "should" be helping them more with their homework, school projects, reading to them more etc. etc. etc. Today, I took Jundo's advice to heart. My youngest son offered to give me a tour of his nerf gun collection. I was busy making food. I stopped, and lived in the moment while he went on and on showing me all his nerf gun stuff. My mind wanted to start the "shoulds" again, but I did my best to stay in the moment and it helped a lot.

There's a book I own and have partially read through called Buddhism for Mothers. It addresses these patterns of thinking so clearly and simply. I would highly recommend it to all moms. =)

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Jakuden]

Joyo--no doubt! I missed some important years of my kids' lives when I bought my business... I am more involved now, but my husband as the stay at home parent just doesn't enjoy being a homemaker and it's a challenging situation for all. I will check that book out! Thanks!
Gassho,
Sierra
SatToday

[Kyotai]

In my experience we sit each day, leaving yesterday's disappointments and accomplishments behind. The background noise (should have done this or that) we let pass again and again.

Maybe focus on the quality of the time you have with the kids rather then quantity. A lot of folks spend all kinds of time with their kids without really being present with them.

You are juggling a family and a business and trying your best. Don't forget to cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you are doing your best. It will never be perfect. You are doing great Sierra

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat today

Ps. I'm not sure of your children's age, but perhaps sending a quick note in there luck bag, email, Skype, video message. Lots of ways to let the kids know you love them even if you are working late.

[Jakuden]

P.S. -way to go being there for your little one! Sounds like a great nerf gun collection

[Jakuden]

Thanks Kyotai. You are very kind. My younger daughter is very responsive to the quality time, the older is 16 and more of a challenge... But of course I will not give up. Hugs to all for the thoughtful responses!
Gassho
Sierra
SatToday

[Getchi]

If I may add one thing here about persistent shoulds and shouldn'ts, or thoughts in general. With daily Zazen I find that more and more I am grounded in the immediate environment and am not teleporting into the past and future as much. The shoulds and shouldn'ts are still there but they are not the ground..the chatter of voices in this mid-town food court, the taste of lentils and diet coke, the toes wiggling in the sandals. This immediacy is not eclipsed, the thoughts are not so opaque. That is the trend with daily practice at any rate.

Just a personal note, please take with a grain of salt.
Gassho
Daizan
Sat today

Ive heard it said that "suchness" is right here. I can add nothing more to what you said, thankyou Daizan.


And to all the fellow parents, it is hard. It is worth it. You are doing a great job already; dont give up!

[Joyo]

Joyo--no doubt! I missed some important years of my kids' lives when I bought my business... I am more involved now, but my husband as the stay at home parent just doesn't enjoy being a homemaker and it's a challenging situation for all. I will check that book out! Thanks!
Gassho,
Sierra
SatToday

I so understand. I would say you are doing a fine job parenting. Like all moms, we tend to be very hard on ourselves.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Jundo]

I will say this ...

Unless someone really has to be away (in the army, sick in the hospital, a family business that is a matter of life and death), I do feel that we "should" (and we owe it to ourselves and our kids) make every effort to balance family and work and play and personal time. At least, try to have one family meal most days where all the parents and kids are together. Try to find the time, even if it means a bit less money in the bank.

In the past, it was the men who generally had to be out at the office, coming home late (especially here in Japan). Now, it is men and women and everyone. But unless it is truly a matter of economic survival, we should perhaps sacrifice a little money and career opportunities to make sure we have family time.

I know it is hard. I know it is not always possible.

(I happen to be very fortunate where, as a translator, I work at home and can set my schedule. I know that most careers do not afford such options).

Gassho, J

SatToday