Negative Things Coming Up whilst Sitting

[Biko]

So the last couple days I have had some strange experiences during zazen. For whatever reason I keep dwelling on my mothers death, which happened 12 years ago. I fully admit that I probably have issues in this regard I need to sort out but I just find it strange that all of a sudden it's been popping up. I also keep thinking about my father being 77 and is probably going to die soon, which isnt even logical because he is in great health for his age.

My question is, is this normal? Have others had things drug up in their practice that they have had to work through? I honestly have no real "fear" of death but it's more of a guilt thing as if somehow it all rests on me.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Gassho,
Jeffrey

[Jundo]

Hi Jeff,

Yes, it is normal.

The Buddha set out on his quest in search of the meaning of old age, sickness and death. Yes, we all get old. Our parents get old and die. We will all experience a loved one's death, and our own. We all worry and, sometimes, even feel some guilt about such things.

Have I cheered you up?

In the silence and stillness of Zazen, as the mind puts aside all the usual daily distractions, stuff can "come up" from deep within. Old memories, fears, paranoia, anger ... all can float up like flotsam and jetsam. I once suddenly recalled and relived something mean and insulting I said to my father when I was about 10 years old, decades ago, and felt great guilt. I once recalled with a cold sweat or fear and guilt during Zazen falling asleep at the wheel of the car while driving down the highway, almost running off the road with my whole family in the car. All kind of things ...

Sometimes it is very educational about ourselves, and our fears and guilts. Rising from the cushion (not during seated Zazen itself), but with the same clarity and stillness of mind of Zazen, explore where this guilt or fear is coming from. Why are you feeling this guilt?

If these kinds of things arise just from time to time, I would call them educational of what is going on in our minds. If they really run out of control, and we are swept up in fears and memories that take us over and will not pass, that is another story.

Gassho, J

[Biko]

Jundo, thanks for the response. Interesting you said "...something mean and insulting I said to my father when I was about 10 years old" Because what I keep dwelling on is the last words I spoke to my mother. She told me she loved me and I said "I know" rather than "I love you too" because we had just been in an argument. Of course not realizing these would be the last words we exchanged. It isnt consuming me. It's more like it has been there, on the cushion and when I get up it's gone.

Gassho,
Jeffrey

[Kyotai]

You are certainly not alone Jeffrey. I too occasionally experience this as well. I sit with it, and try to let it pass.

With you my friend

Gassho, Shawn

[Mp]

You are certainly not alone Jeffrey. I too occasionally experience this as well. I sit with it, and try to let it pass.

With you my friend

Gassho, Shawn

Shawn has spoken wise words! I too have had this experience ... for me it is with my granny who has not passed away yet, but is getting close. The wonderful think about this practice is, it allows me to sit and be with those thoughts and feelings and not be controlled by them. To know even though they are there everything will be ok. =)

Gassho
Shingen

[Jundo]

Jundo, thanks for the response. Interesting you said "...something mean and insulting I said to my father when I was about 10 years old" Because what I keep dwelling on is the last words I spoke to my mother. She told me she loved me and I said "I know" rather than "I love you too" because we had just been in an argument. Of course not realizing these would be the last words we exchanged. It isnt consuming me. It's more like it has been there, on the cushion and when I get up it's gone.

Gassho,
Jeffrey

I sometimes say this on regrets regarding the past ... just my rule of thumb ...

All human beings have the tendency to fall down from time to time. Hopefully, it was not a matter of something truly serious: a life intentionally taken, a child physically abused by one's own hand, or the like. In such cases, much more serious acts of contrition and paying one's debt may be required.

But for ordinary stumbles and mistakes in life, my rule of thumb is this: I try to learn from the past, make apologies and amends if I did harm and can fix it (sometimes one can't) ... try to do better for the future and not repeat the errors (sometimes I still do).

Let me add that if we cannot fix or make amends to the particular persons or situation we may have harmed in the past, we still should make amends as best we can ... pay our Karmic Debt ... by now doing something else of equivalent or greater weight to leave this world better. For example, a fellow I once sat with had done something years ago that hurt children in his own family by his leaving home as a parent and his drinking. It was too late to repair that particular situation now, but he took to doing other work after his sobering up that helped many poor children in very positive ways. We can do this in big and small ways in our own lives.

We can help compensate our Karmic Debt ... and make Good Karma ... in this very world and life.

Gassho, J

[delphizealot]

Sometimes, when I sit zazen, I will start crying for no reason in particular. Certainly this world has no shortage of things to cry about. Not the most inspiring or cheerful thought, but sometimes that's how it is.

[Joryu]

Sometimes it is very educational about ourselves, and our fears and guilts.

School of Hard Knocks I think long buried, recently carried things arising is just what happens when we get quiet. Not pleasant at times but normal. A long time ago, every time I would sit, I heard my grandmother's voice singing happy birthday...go figure. Eventually she stopped singing or maybe I just no longer heard her - I like to think she got quiet because she realized meditation

gassho - nandi

[Joyo]

Hi Jeffery, I too can relate. One of the first things I encountered, when starting to sit, was the greatest enemy that I did not even know existed....my mind. With the technology that we have today it is so easy to distract the mind. Just look at how everyone is always on their cell phone in line-ups etc. When sitting, suddenly all distractions are gone.

Gassho,
Joyo

[Meishin]

Hi Jeffrey,

Sometimes when I sit a parade of stupid things I've said and done in the previous 24-hours marches through. I follow the parade for a while, then watch it turn the corner. It's immediately followed by another parade. That goes on over and over. It used to really bother me. Eventually it was no different from my neighbor's lawnmower. But after zazen I give it some thought, whether there's something I should do to make amends. Sometimes there is, sometimes there's not. That's a parade too.

Gassho
John