My mother's death

[Shinzan]

Robby, I too have been witness to the sudden violent death of a dear one. It changed me utterly, in ways both complicated and illuminating. Zen helped, slowly.
That said, I am very cautious about giving someone grieving any advice. Everyone's experience is different, and goes at its own pace. This is a big event, no need to rush. You will find your own path with it.
Walking with you.
Shinzan

[Jundo]

Hi Robby,

As has been said by so many wise voices above, here we grieve because it is a time for grieving. The shock of seeing death is what sent the Buddha on his quest for enlightenment.

Through our Buddha Way, we encounter a Peace and Wholeness, transcending birth and death, a Joy which holds both the happy days and sad ... yet at the same time, there is birth and there is death, happy days and sad. I hope a little of that Light can shine through your darkness and grief.

It is a good time to tell again the the story of Kisa Ghotami ...

When her son died just a few years into his life, Kisa Gotami went mad with grief. A wise person saw her condition and told her to find the Buddha, who had the medicine she needed. Kisa Gotami went to the Buddha, and asked him to give her the medicine that would restore her dead child to life. The Buddha told her to go out and find a mustard seed from a house where nobody had died. Kisa Gotami was heartened, and began her search, going door to door. Everyone was willing to give her a mustard seed, but every household she encountered had seen at least one death. She understood why the Buddha had sent her on this quest. She returned to the Buddha, who confirmed what she had realized: "There is no house where death does not come."

I also recall this story of my first teacher, Azuma Roshi, about 25 years ago ...

I remember how shocked I was when I saw Azuma Roshi, my first "real Japanese Zen Master", crying one day soon after his wife died. I had just come to Japan, and thought Zen teachers were supposed to be above all that. I said to him directly (and a bit coldly) "I thought 'life and death' are but a dream, so why are you crying?" He responded, "Life and death are but a dream. I am crying because beloved wife died."

Foolish me. Death is like a dream ... but a sometimes very bitter dream.

To feel grief at the death of someone we love, even great and prolonged grief, is natural to the human condition.

To feel ashamed or guilty for feeling grief is another story, adding another layer of suffering! Let yourself feel what it is natural for human beings to feel, even as you realize that it is the natural "mind theatre" of human beings ... grief, longing for those we love, fear and the like. If possible, don't fall in, try not to allow oneself to be swept away as a prisoner of such passing emotions ... but also allow yourself to feel such way and don't resist. Most healthy humans feel intense grief at the loss of someone they love having died.

Here is a typical traditional image of the Buddha's death scene. Notice most of his closest students obviously distraught and in tears (though one or two also seem to be managing a smile too).



Give things time, Rob, and this wound too will heal very much ... even as you will always miss your mother.

If we may, we will dedicate Zazen to your mother and family.

Gassho, J

[Yugen]

Robby,
We are here. Please stay in touch. I will not try to add to the wise words that have been shared here except to say that you are not alone.

Deep bows
Yugen

[Oheso]

hi Robby,

I was very close to an elderly relative who was bludgeoned into a coma from which she did not recover, many years ago. She was in her 90s. I can still feel my utter astonishment at what happened many miles away from me at the time, like a pale reflection of of the sucker punch life had landed on her. I never realized how much worse the experience would have been for me had I actually witnessed it.

I guess I can't say truthfully that "it'll get better" but mine grew smaller, -remaining a stark lesson about the brutality inherent in life. perhaps no longer an iron ball stuck in my gullet but now like a old bullet stuck somewhere close to de bone.

my condolences for your terrible loss. I, too, am saddened by it.

gassho,

Robert

[Kyonin]

Robby,

It perfectly okay to feel lost and confused after such a loss. It's the most human thing to do. Only time and you will to be okay again will lead you through.

I have found zazen has to be part of grief because it grounds you and makes you one with that it is, with that is happening. But at the same time helps you see things in perspective so you can accept life and keep on walking.

We are always here for you.

It can't rain all the time.

Gassho,

Kyonin

[Robby]

Hello all,

Thank you so much for your wisdom and support. I will continue the grieving process and celebrate the beauty that was her life. I have come to think that maybe the lack of attachment in this situation is not feeling indifferent but rather celebrating her life and yet accepting her death. My mother was born in Japan when the Cherry blossoms were blooming and I can't help but think about their symbolism now. Again, thank you all for your kind words.

Gassho,

Robby

[Nameless]

Much metta to you and your father Robby, the death of a loved can cut deep. I don't have anything else really to add to the wise words everyone has contributed, except that detachment and un-attachment are different. Detachment can mold a cast of indifference, un-attachment can allow one to love freely and earnestly. And the advice I told myself the last time a loved one passed was, "The wave is the sea." It comes and goes without ever coming or going. So too do we. Loving-kindess to you Robby.

Deep bows,
Foolish John

[Koshin]

Nothing wise to say, just sitting with you...much metta to you and your family

Gassho

[Rezdogdad]

Robby-

Much Metta to you and your family. I lost my mother unexpectedly when I was young and she was young. That was almost 25 years ago, and I still work with the loss on some levels. I'm also struggling with grief right now from some recent losses. I think the best we can do is be patient and good to ourselves. I'm relatively new to the Sangha, and I've found the support and kindness invaluable.

Gassho,

Shoho

[Ishin]

Hi Robby

Condolences for your loss and much metta to you and you family. Welcome to Treeleaf also, and may your practice deepen.
I will sit today for all experiencing grief at the loss of loved ones.
Gassho
C

[Jinyo]

Hello Robby,

I am sorry for your loss. To lose a parent, especially in tragic circumstances, is very hard.
I hope the kindness and compassion of this sangha gives you some support while you are working through your grief.


Gassho

Willow

[KellyRok]

Robby,

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is so much wisdom here, I hope you find some sense of solace and comfort during these difficult times. You and your family are in my metta. I'm at a loss for words right now, just know we are here for you.

Gassho,
Kelly/Jinmei

[Risho]

Robby,

You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts.

Gassho,

Risho

[LucardieC]

Hello all,

Thank you so much for your wisdom and support. I will continue the grieving process and celebrate the beauty that was her life. I have come to think that maybe the lack of attachment in this situation is not feeling indifferent but rather celebrating her life and yet accepting her death. My mother was born in Japan when the Cherry blossoms were blooming and I can't help but think about their symbolism now. Again, thank you all for your kind words.

Gassho,

Robby

Cherry Blossoms are a very spiritual thing. They are renewal and Life.
My deepest sympathies in this difficult time.
Sit Zazen and keep those flowing trees in mind.
No matter how hard the wind blows, or the rain pelts those delicate flowers .. they will always grow back.
I will think of you in my Zazen tonight.

Deepest bows,
Chelsea