Avoiding Dualism in the communication age

[Daijo]

I assume we all have friends, family, acquaintances, etc who hold very strong views. Sometimes they can be down right vile, yes?

Most days I can sort of watch them come and go like the tide but other times I find myself being caught up in the moment. Yesterday was particularly rough, especially into the evening. I really appreciated the zazen time hosted by Dosho, I'll tell you that! Much needed.

The first thing to get my emotions stirring was a post by a friend about the passing of Pete Seeger. Now I personally find Pete Seeger to be a very inspirational human being, so I took offense to this persons post. I know that my reaction is my own issue, but still, there it was. When I read the words, "commie scum", and "should have died 60 years sooner", my emotions began stirring. I did a pretty good job of not giving into them though. Here's the real problem...the post was full of downright lies. This is the part I struggle with. When I see things that I know are untrue, especially hateful things, I have a very hard time not arguing.

The second thing to set me off last night....I posted that I was watching the State of the Union. I shared no opinion, no commentary, nothing. Maybe I was a little sarcastic (maybe the wrong word here) the actual post was something like this. "Yes I am watching, he's the President and I'm an American dammit" I sort of intended it to be slightly funny.

What I got in reply was vile. Very vile, and I choose not to repeat it here. I fought with my ego on this one, how do I respond? Do I respond? and so on. In the end I chose to simply request this person keep their opinions on their own page and then I deleted their comments. After thinking about it a little longer, I elected to remove them as a friend.

But now, what to do? Some of these people who hold very different views from mine, truly are friends. I don't want to alienate them by blocking them. that could cost a true friendship. But in some cases I wonder, do I want to be friends with folks who think this way?

I guess I'm looking for advice. How do you all handle these situations if at all? I had been doing very well with it after slowing down by FB time. But it seems to be causing a disturbance in the force again.

Gassho,

Chuck

[Daijo]

I mean, would this be wrong speech? Because this is sort of what I feel like saying....
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[Kokuu]

Chuck

It is definitely difficult to come across opposing views, especially those which seem to have little basis in fact or are inappropriately critical of someone who has recently died. The internet means that we are likely to come across these views more often.

As for handling them, I use one of two strategies. Firstly, if I think the person might be receptive to an alternative viewpoint, I will gently put the case across. Otherwise, I just ignore. Riling people up who will probably get more angry at a different position doesn't benefit anyone. Saying that, it doesn't mean that I am not often wanting to shoot them down in flames with my infallible logical analysis, though!

Today, a Facebook friend put up a post about how letting 500 Syrian asylum seekers into the UK will mean less jobs and houses for British citizens and more crowded healthcare. I started to write a comment about how these people were fleeing atrocities but remembered this is someone currently going through a hard time on many fronts so chose to delete instead.

This is a work in progress for me too, Chuck, but the more I engage with other people on the internet, the easier I find it to step away. Also good to ask whether I am engaging in Right Speech - am I posting to satisfy my own ego or actually engage in dialogue with this person in a constructive way? How many of us can always say we are doing the latter? Reading alternative viewpoints to our own can be challenging to that sense of ego! Sometimes I am able to open to the groundlessness that occurs during this but mostly too infuriated to get that far.

If anger comes up, clicking away really is the best option but I hear you on the itch to respond.

Gassho
Kokuu/Andy

ps. I didn't see the jpg until just now and laughed greatly!

[Jinyo]

Hello Chuck,

the downside of the internet is that we all get to rattle off our opinions freely. It's maybe not such a good thing to be ever party to the thoughts of those we
care about - and maybe those we don't care about

I've found the more I take on board of the opinion of others the more anxious and defended I feel - because inside our heads we all have a tendency to think
our opinions are correct and everyone else who differs is misguided, ignorant and downright silly.

Some things are worth fighting for - most definitely - but most of what annoys us isn't worth getting upset about. I think it helps to form friendships with people who have the same value system - but I'm sure we all have friends and family members who we feel poles apart from in our views - but who we still love and care about.

If a friend has been really 'vile' in a response to you - it may be that that person is not really a true friend - but it's surprising how vile we all can be in certain situations of anger or frustration - even towards those we love.

Sadly lies and hatred are part of the human condition - using our energy in a constructive way to combat negative forces isn't easy. I think we have to take personal responsibility for choosing what we can truly fight for and where we can make a difference. The fight part of our brains likes to think we're twenty feet tall and can wage battle on every front, but in reality we are small and the average human being can only make a small difference.

But of course - all those small efforts can add up to something pretty substantial.

Perhaps sitting through our annoyances is the best response we can make - then if we still feel some action is necessary at least its coming more from a space of equanimity.

Gassho

Willow

[Gary]

This issue has concerned me in recent years and I've found avoidance the only way forward. Before posting on Facebook I would ask myself "What's my motives for posting this?", "What responses am I hoping to get?", "How will I feel if nobody responds?" "What if the responses are negative?". Generally I'd realise my ego was my motivation for posting and therefore wouldn't bother. Obviously there are times when you're congratulating someone for an achievement or birthday etc that's different but yeah I rather avoid posting on Facebook or Twitter etc.

Gassho
Gary

[Daijo]

Thank you guys.

Gassho,

Chuck "Daijo"

[Kyotai]

This is one reason why I removed facebook.

Gassho

Shawn

[Kyonin]

This is one reason why I removed facebook.

Gassho

Shawn

No Facebook for me either. Cowards will attack hiding in the anonymity the web brings. Trolls will try to destroy dignity no matter what.

I use G+ as a news reader mostly.

I am in touch with friends and family through email. It's private and you get only the people who care about you

Gassho,

Kyonin

[Daijo]

I deactivated the account for several months. But FB does have some positive aspects, at least for me. I guess the easiest approach for me is to delete comments instead of reacting, and if I find them incredibly offensive I'll just block the user.

Gassho,

Daijo

[Entai]

This issue has concerned me in recent years and I've found avoidance the only way forward. Before posting on Facebook I would ask myself "What's my motives for posting this?", "What responses am I hoping to get?", "How will I feel if nobody responds?" "What if the responses are negative?". Generally I'd realise my ego was my motivation for posting and therefore wouldn't bother. Obviously there are times when you're congratulating someone for an achievement or birthday etc that's different but yeah I rather avoid posting on Facebook or Twitter etc.

Gassho
Gary

Gary,
I think you hit the nail on the head. Our motivations often get us into trouble. That said....

Gassho, Entai

[Rich]

It's really sad that there is so much anger and ignorance in the world. Especially against someone who tried to bring people together and help the oppressed.



Kind regards. /\

[Amelia]

Though there are many differences between communicating on the internet and communicating physically, there really is no difference when it comes to figuring out how to be friends gracefully with someone when their opinion is opposed to one's own. It can be hurtful and/ or confusing when someone I love is discovered to have an opinion wildly different from mine. I can't just delete them from my life. My family wants and expected me to have a Catholic wedding. Upon finding out that I wasn't planning to, they were very surprised and I think sad.

Internet or physical, we must practice personal responsibility, grace, right speech, humor, respect, and in many ways, love.

[Joyo]

Tough things to deal with as I am no longer communicating with any of my extended family members due to their extreme intolerance to Buddhism, and anyone else who does not have fundamental Christian beliefs.

I did a complete facebook clean-out a few months ago. Anyone who I had as a "friend" out of obligation only, or who used facebook to condescend others' beliefs I deleted off. It is so much more enjoyable now!

I feel it is fine to express opposing viewpoints, as long as it is done in a respectful manner. However, I also think life is too short to fill it with people who treat you poorly simply because of differences of opinions.

Gassho,
Joyo






I

[Ryumon]

I think much of the problem with this type of attitude is the lack of non-linguistic communication between people on Facebook, forums, etc. We manage to do very well here, I think, because we're more mindful of each other. But it's very easy, when you don't have someone opposite you, to get pushy and dismissive of others. I think many of those people, in a normal social situation, would act differently.

However, the internet also allows people to avoid those who disagree, and I've seen many cases of what I would call extreme political opinions, notably on Facebook, that I wouldn't have encountered often 20 or more years ago.

Personally, I find it very interesting to hear people who disagree with me: it's the only way I can challenge my own beliefs. But sometimes, even having that attitude just riles people up even more, as they think you're just toying with them.

Gassho,

Kir

[Daijo]

I think Facebook is very similar to road rage. When people are in their cars, they feel invincible, cursing at other drivers, giving them the finger, and so on. You never see this behavior among pedestrians. I mean, you wouldn't call someone a"%%%*** idiot" if they were taking up too much aisle in the grocery store. But if it were the parking lot and you were in cars, it's as if there are no social constraints. Facebook, or other internet forums seem to provide people with a similar sense of omnipotence.