I dont practice Zen anymore

[Dojin]

today as i was sitting my daily zazen i suddenly realized something. I dont practice Zen anymore.
i dont hang around treeleaf as much as i used to. when i do, i dont really read that much of the posts (they are too many and there is too little time). i dont study text, dont contemplate the precepts or the eightfold path, hell i dont even remember all of them from the top of my head. i dont do metta. i dont study sutras, i dont find the time to join the weekly zazenkai. i havent touched my kesa sawing for over a year and i am just at the beginning of it.
i barely practice anything but sitting zazen. and that too has lost all its charm and it is nothing special! i dont know why i sit anymore. i just sit because its part of me. im used to it so i keep doing it. when i dont sit i feel wrong but sitting or no sitting changes nothing. i live my life just like any other person. zen or no zen. i just live my life moment to moment. nothing special and nothing magical about it. i have become a dad 12 days ago. i am sleepless, took some time of work. i change dippers i take care of my son. but i just do it. i accept my life the way they are. there are many things i dont like, even get annoyed by. but its nothing special, just life. i accept it. im fine with it.
i realize that i will get angry, will get in to fights with people close to me. hurt them and get hurt by them. have problems, have good days and bad days. when i sit, i sit. when i dont sit i go and do what needs to be done, what i want to do, what i dont want to do. i try to avoid things i dont like and do things i like.
im just an ordinary human being. nothing more nothing less. zen has nothing to do with. i break precepts sometimes, i fall off the horse so to speak. i get back up and keep on going. i try to be a good man, living life as best i can.

after 10 years of practice i finally realized zen is not a practice, it is just life. it is in everything i do and it is nothing at all.
i guess i realized that practice is no different from life. when i finish sitting zazen i get up from the cushion and go on.

i am reminded of an old koan i once read and liked and finally feel that i truly understand it.

MOUNTAIN AND WATER
Ching-yuan Wei-hsin, a Chinese Ch'an master, once said this:
Thirty years ago, when having not studied Ch'an,
this monk saw mountain was mountains and water was water.

Later, when following the good teacher's guide, this monk could enter the gate of Ch'an,
and saw mountain was not mountain and water was not water.

Now, in the realm of joy and peace and tranquility where everything as-it-is,
this monk sees mountain is just mountain and water is just water.

Jundo, i must say that i always liked the phrase

ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

but i finally get it on a different level. and i think there is no more fitting motto for treeleaf, i can see why you chose it. thank you.

Gashho, Dojin (finally feeling like i dont need to understand this practice).

[Kyonin]

Hi Dojin.

It seems to me your practice is pretty strong.

Maybe you don't have the time to read or to sew, but you are sewing life.

Nothing special. That's all it is.

But that's just my silly and non expert opinion.

Gassho,

Kyonin.

[Dosho]

What Kyonin said.

Gassho,
Dosho

P.S. Don't be a stranger...at least pop in from time to time to let us know how you are doing. Pretty please?

[AlanLa]

Love this post, almost word for word it applies to my life and my being here.
I do what I do as I have been heavily influenced by my being here in this sangha, this forum.
I find silence to be the best answer to all the anguish encountered,
Because words just don't work in zen, at least not the words I can speak,
Because Jundo and Taigu speak them better than I,
So i take faith and trust in the action of this sangha every day.
My studying of the dharma has devolved into the idea that
Something is clearly missing,
And I am good with that...

[Dojin]

treeleaf is like a home to me. and i will always be here. i just dont read much or write much. since there are too many posts. Dosho, we joined treeleaf pretty much at the same time. i dont know if you remember but it used to be a much smaller group and there were maybe 5-15 posts a day. it was possible to read them all and really give them a thought and replay. now days i think we get over 50 posts a day. and everything i would be able to add has already been said so i dont replay to posts as much as i used too. and also its way to many posts to read everything now.

as for my post, I guess it does sound a bit bleak. i didnt mean that my practice isnt strong or anything. i just meant that i felt something a kin to peace. i guess i finally feel like its ok.
like my practice has grown in to something else. its not practice anymore. its just life! i wrote a very long post (for me at least) trying to explain what i suddenly feel. but as always words fail to express what is really on my mind, or lack of things on my mind if you will.

let me offer you just a small bow and a smile.
and a simple thank you.

Gassho, Dojin.

P.S. I am not going anywhere... so you wont get the chance to miss me.
but i definitely should start participating more in treeleaf, so you might see me more often

[Myoshin]

Hi Dojin,

Sometimes I ask a little bit like this, I don't know if i'm enough involved in zen, and sometimes I think that there is not a taste with zen, if I can live my life fully it is zen.
Zen is not how to live and how to die?

I can't answer, the teachers will surely their point of view. It's a quite difficult topic
If I remember well Taigu said that the most important is the quest, questioning, not the final aswer.

Gassho

Myoshin

[Dojin]

Al, sorry i have seen your post only after i posted again.

thank you. i agree with everything you said. especially the last part

My studying of the dharma has devolved into the idea that
Something is clearly missing,
And I am good with that...

Myoshin, thats the whole point. there are no more questions, since there are no need for answers.
dont think of this post as a sad thing, it is the other way around. i just realized that practice is no different from anything else. its just a part of life.
no need for philosophy or understanding. its just... well... ok.

Gassho, Dojin.

[Myoshin]

Waw Dojin, if you can make no distinction between life and zen your practice is "far". I try to do it but it seems sometimes difficult.
For sure you have more practice than me, and I admire the point you "reached"

A big gassho
and happy you stay with us.

Myoshin

[AlanLa]

To be at ease with the idea that "I've got it" as wrong is so shameless,
And to understand that as a shame is freedom.
There is a balance there,
But to speak of it is to fall.

[Dojin]

Waw Dojin, if you can make no distinction between life and zen your practice is "far". I try to do it but it seems sometimes difficult.
For sure you have more practice than me, and I admire the point you "reached"

A big gassho
and happy you stay with us.

Myoshin

Myoshin, Thank you.
its is nice to be complemented and it definitely strokes my ego a bit. but i must tell you i feel kinda wrong about what you said. its not a question of far or who has more practice. and not even a point reached.
i have "reached" many... points in my practice and will probably "reach" many more. but its a process. as a person, not even a zen practitioner you are constantly shaped by your experiences. sometimes your view, understanding and even perception might change with age/time. it is not that i make no distinction between zen or life. i just dont try to do so anymore. i guess when you stop trying to gain something from this practice you truly do gain everything.
and yes i have said it to myself many times, and really meant it. i understood it with my intellectual brain, and convinced myself of it.
but never really tasted it.

your comment is probably the most constructive here for me at least. it makes me feel wise and "zen" like so to speak. makes me feel special, progressed, far in my practice, a man who has reached some insight and understanding... but it also reminds me that its all bullshit... i dont need to feel like that because in the end i didnt reach anything, i am not wise or special. i just keep on keeping on so to speak. even when you realize something if you say to yourself i am this is and that. i dont need to do anything anymore and stop. you havent realized anything. and if you dont stop and keep practicing you still havent realized anything.

i guess the only thing i can really say is
its ok.

p.s. reading this it all seems like rumbling without really saying anything, which it really is.

Gassho, Dojin (who talks a lot but says nothing at all).

[Daitetsu]

i dont know why i sit anymore. i just sit because its part of me.

Nice!

All those books, posts, lectures, etc. are just different fingers pointing to the same moon. Only you know what you need and/or can do for your own practice.
Just don't be attached - not even to sitting.

Gassho,

Timo

[Mp]

Beautiful post Dojin ...

Deep bows
Shingen

[Jakudo]

I understand what you mean (I think). Zazen is not something you "do" anymore, it's a part of you're body/mind like breathing..or a bowel movement. The reasons for sitting zazen have rubbed off you and your just left with sitting..Awesome!

[Geika]

Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, though.

[Risho]

Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, though.

Word to that. hahahah

Dojin, I feel ya man. I'm trying to just soak it in now and practice.. just as you articulated.... less chatter more practice I guess. Didn't Elvis say "a little less talk, a lot more zazen?" lol

But practice/zazen is everything we do here... posting here to support the Sangha and share our practice (it is nice to drop a line once in a while so we know we are all here ), sewing the kesa, sitting zazenkai's, etc. I absolutely don't do as much as I should either, so I feel ya man... it's an ongoing challenge. I'm just glad to see you posting again And congratulations!

Gassho,

Risho

P.S. Congrats on becoming a dad!