Fear of failure

[disastermouse]

Hey all,

Saijun and Jundo have heard me go on about my terror of the Rakusu....but I have so much fear of failure in so many aspects of this path even though the practice itself is constant failure (Shikantaza). I know this, but...

I used to always hold two jobs because I was afraid I'd lose one. Part of the reason I didn't really join a Sangha before now is that I was terrified of having a meltdown like what happened last year with Jundo and Taigu. Their accepting me back has gone a long way toward alleviating my fear - and of course, I'm stuck, because I can't ever not be on this path. Similarly, I've come to see that teachers and a Sangha are indispensable - one cannot easily remove his own barriers.

Sitting Shikantaza comes so naturally to me. Everything else brings up persistent fears of humiliation and rejection. I've seen that my path has been one of constant failure, and that each failure has been a gift, but I dread it nonetheless.

I just needed to put this out there because I don't want to present an air of confidence that I don't actually possess.

Chet

[Shogen]

Re: Fear of failure

Tearing down walls and not erecting new ones is great practice. Knowing what walls we face is a great begginning. Gassho Shogen

[Fuken]

Re: Fear of failure

Hey all,

Saijun and Jundo have heard me go on about my terror of the Rakusu....but I have so much fear of failure in so many aspects of this path even though the practice itself is constant failure (Shikantaza). I know this, but...

I used to always hold two jobs because I was afraid I'd lose one. Part of the reason I didn't really join a Sangha before now is that I was terrified of having a meltdown like what happened last year with Jundo and Taigu. Their accepting me back has gone a long way toward alleviating my fear - and of course, I'm stuck, because I can't ever not be on this path. Similarly, I've come to see that teachers and a Sangha are indispensable - one cannot easily remove his own barriers.

Sitting Shikantaza comes so naturally to me. Everything else brings up persistent fears of humiliation and rejection. I've seen that my path has been one of constant failure, and that each failure has been a gift, but I dread it nonetheless.

I just needed to put this out there because I don't want to present an air of confidence that I don't actually possess.

Chet

Chet, I think you are headded in the right direction.

All the best

[Undo]

Re: Fear of failure

Hello Chet.

I know you have mentioned an interest in art before, and never got the chance to study as much as you would have liked. maybe now is the time. A simple piece of art can't be perfect, no matter how hard you may try. it can be a good teacher that you can't get it perfect, sometimes not even close, but each work shows you the lessons you are learning and how well you are doing. It can be great to help see what is going on in your head but also to see how those thoughts change when you transalte them to the outer world.

If nothing else it could be a good time filler while you are recovering from your acident and you might have a good reminder of your recovery to look back on.


Undo

[joshbrown]

Re: Fear of failure

To be honest it sounds like you need to get back to the basics.

Remember that suffering is due to attachments. There are things that you just can't control. Accept that for what it is.

Take some time to review the four noble truths and the noble eightfold path. Think about how it applies top you, personally, and how you can apply it to your life.

[Nindo]

Re: Fear of failure

How exactly would you know that your rakusu is a failure? How would you know that it is not? What are you comparing against?
Why would it matter - how would it matter - if a few stitches are out of line?

I heard this today: Process and goal must become one. Cutting the first piece is already the goal. Then the next.

Wishing you well!

[disastermouse]

Re: Fear of failure

To be honest it sounds like you need to get back to the basics.

Remember that suffering is due to attachments. There are things that you just can't control. Accept that for what it is.

Take some time to review the four noble truths and the noble eightfold path. Think about how it applies top you, personally, and how you can apply it to your life.

I think this is a bit akin to thinking that you can get someone to quit smoking if you just keep telling him the health consequences of smoking. Humbly, if you think this stuff just goes away through sutra study or practice, I think this is not exactly the way it goes. It hasn't been my experience, although I may be 'doing it wrong'. In fact, I fully expect the fear to continue to exist to some extent - but that there may be both fear AND equanimity.

Further, I didn't so much take this here as a problem to be solved, but rather to get my feelings about it out there. Sometimes I write with confidence and conviction about some things - but I want to broadcast my actual feelings about this other aspect of the path. I've been hiding my fear about these things under the guise of disinterest and disrespect - but it's fear, plain and simple. It feels good to come clean to the Sangha about that. I can face it as fear and not hide it under a bogus argument about the relevance of the tradition or the rituals. Not to say that some discussion about the tradition isn't in order, just that at least some of my reticence about these things stems from fear of failure and rejection, and perhaps a bit of laziness.

I do need to take this to my practice though. Thanks for the reminder. If I've offended you in any way, I apologize. I'm still working out 'Right Speech', and I still rather suck at it.

Chet

[Eika]

Re: Fear of failure

Right there with you in many ways, friend. I'm a bit of an overachiever and it comes mostly from being afraid of what would happen if anyone in any of the circles in which I work thought I was less than stellar. Why do I do this? I've no idea. Growing up, I was always the smallest kid in the class so maybe I had to work extra hard just to compete with the others (or risk getting the crap kicked out of me). Whatever, it is what it is.

If you ever need inspiration about your rakusu, I'll send you photos of mine. I don't think there's a 90º corner on the thing . . . yet, it is perfect to me. Sewing one really is a great teacher. Go for it!

Peace,
Eika

[Kaishin]

Re: Fear of failure

Thank you for sharing, Chet. I think you are right that the fear (of whatever) may never really go away. But facing it is the most direct way to deal with it. And you've done just that! I think it says a lot about the sangha itself that you are comfortable "putting it out there."

Not sure what else to say. Doesn't seem like you are looking for answers from us so much as simple acceptance. So, I accept!

Gassho,
Matt

[Shugen]

Re: Fear of failure

Chet,

Thank you for the post. I'm really glad you're here. You often express things that I don't seem to be able to.

Ron

[Heisoku]

Re: Fear of failure

I agree with Ron and am grateful for all your postings in one way or another Chet.
'Failure' implies an expectation. Don't expect anything!

[Tb]

Re: Fear of failure

Hi.

Thank you.

We are here, every cut, every stitch.

Mtfbwy
Fugen

[Hoyu]

Re: Fear of failure

Nindo wrote:
Process and goal must become one. Cutting the first piece is already the goal. Then the next.

Very profound! Thank you Nindo _/_

[Rich]

Re: Fear of failure

I think this is a bit akin to thinking that you can get someone to quit smoking if you just keep telling him the health consequences of smoking. Humbly, if you think this stuff just goes away through sutra study or practice, I think this is not exactly the way it goes. It hasn't been my experience, although I may be 'doing it wrong'. In fact, I fully expect the fear to continue to exist to some extent - but that there may be both fear AND equanimity.


Chet

Very wise words and I don't think you are doing it wrong. Past experience / actions creates karma that you just have to work thru. Seeing the same negative patterns repeat can be frustrating but the deal is we have to accept everything as it is. The great thing is we can make changes and do things better or at least different. The fact that 'Shikantaza comes so naturally to you' is a true blessing and great place to start your work from - which is seeing this stuff as it arises. We tend to believe in a lot of myths and one of them is perfection.

[Nenka]

Re: Fear of failure

Chet,

I admire your candor.

Gassho,

Jennifer