Karmic kick in the butt

[Hans]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hello Chris,

I have nothing useful to say other than that I will send you loads of Metta.

Gassho,

Hans

[murasaki]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

I also don't think I have anything more useful to say than others here, but I wish you much metta. You seemed already like a strong person to me, so I believe that the strength you already have will increase and carry you through this.

Gassho
Julia

[Keishin]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Thank you so much Chris, for sharing your current situation(s).
All these things to face and deal with and handle. All this information gathering and decision making. And the views you shared held by so many people/family: some helpful, some not so much. And your own perspective, which you write so eloquently and whole-heartedly about.
From what you write I see you wear your practice well--and it suits you. Carrying the Dharma: it within you and you in it.
Take good care.
Looking forward to your updates.

[KellyRok]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hello all,

Chris - you have endured quite alot in a such a short amount of time. Yet, you have done it so gracefully and honestly! I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you, yet I don't. I'm so glad you are here with us at Treeleaf and hope you continue to share your journey with us. You are not alone and you amaze me with your strength and determination.

We are here for you. You are in my thoughts and metta...take care of yourself.

bows to you,
Kelly/Jinmei

[lorax]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hi Chris
What I am about to write here may or may not help you on the road ahead.. It is simply my perspective on your original post. I carried a printed copy around with me for a few days pondering what I can say to help you have a happy and productive life in spite of all the storm clouds looming over you.

To give you an idea where I am coming from, up to about six years ago I was a very active National Park Ranger, climber, cave explorer, cross country runner, road cyclist, married, two wonderful (adult) kids and a contuning number of grand kids. Life was “perfect”. That was six years ago.

I am now a cancer survivor having gone through the impacts of the cancer and of the treatment. While the cancer is gone, the damage done to my body by the treatment will be with me the rest of my life. While dealing with the cancer recovery I also was trying to help my son and his struggling family through depression, suicidal thoughts and other issues related to mental illness. This is the point where Jundo and Treeleaf entered the picture. I was very enthusiastic about studying for the first Jukai ceremony offered by Treeleaf but was so occupied with my personal and family issues just could not see finding the time and peace to sew the rakazu, Jundo gently offered alternatives that I soon saw were not needed. I simply had to let go of all the garbage and sew. By the time the Jukai ceremony occurred I found I had sewed two rakazu, as well as cases for each. The lesson was simply to let all the agitation drop away. These is not to say I did not set goals for physical recovery, set up personal training schedule, and do what I could for my son and his family. With this a new lesson was learned; don’t count on things staying the same!

About a year ago I started to have respiratory problems, had to park the road bike and give up the running shoes. Then things started to get really bad. Lots of trips to the Dr. and lots of antibiotics. But I was fighting reality and in complete denial; that something was very wrong. Around the middle of December I could barely get around. My brother in law grabbed me and rushed me to the closest hospital, about 30 miles away, and in a short time was on a medi-flight to our major medical facility some 160 miles to the north. I had waited too long trying to convince myself that things will stay the same. My lungs had filled with fluid and even respirators were ineffective in getting enough oxygen to my system. Chest tubes were inserted as soon as I came in the ICU along with major antibiotic regime.

Things had changed; I finally realized one can not change reality simply by wishing it. Shortly after arrival according to what my Dr. related to me and what I was aware of I was at the edge of death. He had little hope of saving me, and I was aware of a sensation comparable to a small wave lapping on a beach and leaving behind some of the debris brought with it. Each wave was smaller, and fewer debris were left behind, and then a stillness and nothing. Not sure if that experience was simply imagination or real, but it did make me realize that our “life switch” can be flipped off at any moment and it is not that bad of thing.

During the following months I had two admissions for pneumonia and spent 37 days in the hospital. From what you describe, I am sure you are going to go through some very tough times; unbearable confinement to beds and tubes and other abuses to you body and mind.

My advise from my experience is do not try and explain why or how all these things happened to you. It’s what is. You may have imagined a healthy recovery from pneumonia and lots of trips on your motor scooter, but that is not what is happening. Go along with what is happening, however that does not mean to not try and make things better, but simply accept what ever situation you are in.

Some tools I found useful. When waiting for the Doctor, who is hours behind schedule ,to come in, don’t frustrate yourself thinking about it, simply do zazen. When you are wide awake in the middle of the night in the hospital with tubes and wires attached, don’t toss and turn and try to get a nurse to bring you a pain med, simply organize your attachments, fold a blanket to a small square and sit zazen. It really works taking the edge off for the rest of the night and the fun side it really freaks out the nurses.

So Chris, take care, don’t try and answer the questions “why me?” or “how come?” Work with what faces you, but also never give up on getting over it. Had to work awhile on that thought with the help of Jundo. But it is like the Heart Sutra. It is, but is not a dichotomy. One last thought, if you have not done so already, check out Taigu’s directions on sewing a rakazu, It is an experience in itself and a healing practice.

I will be holding you in my Metta thoughts each morning as the cats and I sit at sunrise.

Jim

[Eika]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hi, Chris.

So much great advice given already. You sound like you are handling things as well or better than can be expected. My thoughts are with you.

If it helps at all, my wife has been in remission (leukemia) for 10 years now, and my brother (non-Hodgkins lymphoma) has been in remission for about 7 years. There are so many great things being done for the treatment of cancer these days. I wish you well and hope that you respond favorably to treatment. Keep us updated.

Gassho,
Eika

[Tree]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hi Chris,

I am new here, so we probably haven't talked. I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
I have a close work friend who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year. Amazingly he is doing better than what anyone thought possible. So I believe to some extent these things can be fought in their own way.

In terms of karma, in my opinion Buddhism's chief focus is overcoming karma. The Buddha said that without the 3rd & 4th noble truths there would be no point to the holy life. (Somewhere in the Pali Scriptures he said that! lol).

Basically if we are all just Karma's victim, then there is no point to Buddhist practice.

I hope that any of us here can be the support you need, however small that may be.

Gassho

David

[Hoyu]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Chris wrote:
John if I remember correctly you work in a hospital in ER.

Hi Chris,
Sorry I almost missed this question as I didn't think if was for me. ops: Actually I work in the kitchen of a hospital. I see patients frequently but only to bring them their lunch. So my knowledge is limited to soups and sandwiches. Hope you get the answers you need on this one!

Gassho,
John

[TomB]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hey Chris, all I can say is thank you. You are already an inspiration.
Much metta,
Tom

[Onshin]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hey Chris,
all sounds a bit of a bummer to me (should be safe with that, it is an American saying I believe ops: ). I cannot add any cancer specific help to this but a couple of years back I had a little trouble with the old ticker and had to have a quad by-pass ( because, as we all know; "By-passes have got to be built Mr.Dent). Anyway, the point is my years of Zen are what got me through it all (that a very caring partner). Even just looking at my card portable Medicine Buddha during the night while trying not to hate the plastic jellyfish that was forcing air into me was a great reminder to let go and adjust to what is at the time.
In the mean time I shall try to propel much metta towards you.


Joe

[Heisoku]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Much metta to you Chris.

[Kaishin]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Chris,

So sorry to hear about your immense setbacks! Sounds like you have taken an excellent view of these challenges with respect to your practice. I am humbled by your courage. Please keep us posted.

Gassho,
Matt

[Nenka]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Metta to you, Chris. We all wish you the best.

Gassho,

Jennifer

[ctpowers8]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Thank you all for the metta and the personal sharing. I am hanging in there trying to follow all my new diet and medication regiments. I am acting as an unofficial chaplain for the cancer center and hospital I go to. I brought my zafu and zabutton to the clinic to try to meditate through treatment and people asked me what I was doing and not to long after that we had an informal sitting with some patients, doctors and nurses. As chaplain they have me help the official chaplain work with non christians. We have one patient who is Jodo Shinshu who is teaching me about her practice and two wiccans who are sharing their traditions with me. I also am helping the muslim patients get in touch with the local masjid for their needs. Since I am not fully trained as chaplain I asked the catholic priest to teach me some of the basics so i can help as much as possible and if there is a problem I just defer to him. It is a great thing since I am taking a leave from school and I am just doing 3 groups and some phone counseling at the mental health clinic. I also want to say that this is one of the toughest things I have ever gone through and it has really opened my eyes to the full amount of suffering that is present with dealing with cancer. On a lighter note I haven't lost my head hair but I did lose it on parts of my chest and armpits, very weird.
Gassho
Chris

[Graceleejenkins]

Re: Karmic kick in the butt

Hi, Chris. Hope you can get some good sleep now--it is late in the night for you. You do have many people here with whom to talk and who will keep you in their thoughts. Rest well. Gasho, Grace.