Temptation

[Stephanie]

Lately, I feel I've come to understand, in my own personal way, what is meant by the Christian notion of "temptation."

As a Buddhist, I find "temptation" lurks in that which pulls me away from practice, away from awareness, away from the path.

Personally, my "temptation" is less along the lines of "lust" and more along the lines of "sloth."

Over and over again, I find this pattern in my practice: as soon as I have a small realization and am ready to "go deeper" in my practice--finally learning what it is to sit without a goal; getting a hint of what emptiness is; understanding where freedom truly lies--I get pulled away from the path, distracted by idle entertainments.

Most recently, this has taken the form of video games. Other than work, my activities consist primarily of working out and playing Oblivion. Neither of which are "bad," but both of which have taken my energy and attention away from awareness. In the past three months or so, I have hardly read anything, have only written in my journal a few times, and have stopped sitting again except for the rarest occasions, after starting the year with a vow to sit daily again! I feel like I've completely lost touch with myself and that I am living in a very mindless, animalistic way, just drifting from one pleasurable activity or sensation to another.

And it's been a battle with myself to try to change this trend. With spring here, and the warm weather and greater amount of sunlight, my energy has returned but I still find myself drifting into my usual tired old sensual indulgences. I find that these behaviors go against the discipline and awareness required by practice. And so it is I am "tempted" away from the path by sensual pleasures, as in old Christian stories of the Devil tempting a person away from righteousness with visions of sensual pleasures and forgetfulness. The Buddha was similarly tempted by Mara while sitting under the Bodhi tree, but ultimately resisted that temptation.

It's interesting, because the Zen ideal of no-mind seems to make some people think that living a life of minimal self-awareness is a good thing, but I can say that all it does for me when I stop reflecting on my life, thinking about things and writing in my journal, is that I become the human equivalent of a slug. Yes, a slug is perfect in its slug-ness, but a slug cannot be aware of that perfection.

But at the same time, I don't know how to instill discipline now and have it stick as I no longer believe in cosmic rewards for "doing good." I want to wake up, but the sleepy part of me that just likes to "veg out" seems to be winning lately.

How then to overcome temptation without buying into a false story about holiness?

[Hogo]

Re: Temptation

Hi Stephanie,
I can say nothing of this from a Buddhist standpoint, but as just another person with a similar slug like situation, I would suggest using health as a focus point (you may be perfectly healty now, but more activity is always good.)
My situation:
I too am coming out of my "Winter slump" which I have every year though this year has been especially brutal. I lost my job in Sept. and have been on a slide ever since, very inactive, and though I did not sit around every day thinking "Oh woe is me, life sucks" even with a smile on my face I think there was some deppression involved. It has been very hard for me to turn myself back on.
The consequences: last year I weighed a healty 155 (I am a short dude, only 5' 8") to 170 and I have a new friend in the form of a gut. I just had my yearly physical and now have high blood pressure! avereaging 145-150 over 95-110!! I'm only 34 oh and high cholesterol to top it off.......

anyhow my point that the weather here is now turned nice, and along with the health motivation it has been like somebody hit a switch on me this last week. I have been busting my ass around the outside of my house, doing yard work, going for daily bike rides, and walking the dog.
watching closely what I eat, and now I am sore as hell, exhasuted, and I feel GREAT!
Just gotta keep it up.... so far so good, but I am sure the Temptation for Slugginess will arise in me again, one of these years I hope to break the pattern, Hope you get some new motivation as well.
Best wishes ~ Dave.

[Stephanie]

Re: Temptation

I appreciate your response, Dday. I also appreciated your response to my post in the "Brad's Post" thread, and meant to respond to you directly but got distracted and never did. I identify with you; we seem to have many things in common.

I understand what you mean about "depression with a smile." I have depressive tendencies and they play out even when my mood is good. I didn't get depressed mood this winter but I did get the "depressed energy" and I think that is part of what I have been experiencing.

But it also is more than that... there seems to be some part of me that resists the discipline of practice and drifts away from awareness, even when my energy level isn't low. I don't really understand it, it truly does feel like a devil / Mara "leading me astray" sometimes. Like every time I start to open up in my practice, some demon drags me away from awareness and into idle entertainments. I wish I could break this cycle!!

[Rich]

Re: Temptation

There are certain habits of the mind that run so deep. For me, even if my life is perfect I have a tendency to worry about something. I vow to master Wii Hockey

[monkton]

Re: Temptation

Hi Stephanie,

I was just wondering, can you be very aware of the fact that you are playing Oblivion (I have no idea what that is... )? The Buddha taught that any action when performed with minfulness could be considered practice. I think there is a story of him instructing an old woman who was too busy to sit or study, to just draw the water from her well every day, and really be mindful of every move she was making, and this resulted in her enlightenment. Playing Oblivion might be a bit more complicated than drawing water - or sitting on a zafu or walking really slowly - and it's not such a poetic image, but why not? It's still what you are doing at the moment that you are playing it, presumably it's making you feel something as you are doing it ("OMG I really need to get to the next level"etc. if there are levels of Oblivion) so just be aware of that.

Maybe you shouldn't consider that writing in a journal or doing a lot of traditional zen sitting are somehow more worthy than anything else. For me, getting that 'worthy vibe' from things really helps to divorce them from reality and puts them on another plane - it's like listening to someone putting on their special 'poetry reading voice' when they are reading poetry, instead of just reading it... If your reality right now is mixing video games with work outs, then just get on with that. The 'sitting' part of practice is like the pilot's flight simulator, (according to Jundo), and I might put writing a journal or mindfully playing a game in the same bracket. All of them are useful, but none of them are the same as being out there flying.

There was a quote I remember on the trains round here a few years back, which I use whenever I feel myself beginning to feel a bit guilty about the 4th hour spent noodling on my guitar - "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time". I hope that makes you feel better! Enjoy your practice, enjoy your life, enjoy your oblivion! (btw. I really enjoy your postings )

gassho,
Michael

[Jundo]

Re: Temptation

Maybe you shouldn't consider that writing in a journal or doing a lot of traditional zen sitting are somehow more worthy than anything else. For me, getting that 'worthy vibe' from things really helps to divorce them from reality and puts them on another plane

I would phrase this a bit differently. Every gesture, breath, step, journal entry or point on the video game is SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT. Yet, we often forget this, take it all for granted ... push away the parts of life we find not up to our personal snuff.

So, to help remind us, to the marrow, of this SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT encompassing all of life ... (even the profane, mundane, ugly and downright unpleasant & painful) ... we sit 'traditional Zen sittings' each day, for each instant thereof is SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT. In fact, if you run away from the 'traditional sitting', or do not know how to taste its SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT in each moment of Zazen ... well, good chance you do not know how to do so in the rest of your life either!

That is one reason Zazen cannot be neglected. There is plenty of time for video games (mindful or not, just to have fun and not to deem it a 'Buddhist Practice' ... nothing wrong with just having fun just for fun's sake) ... SO LONG AS one sits 'traditional Zen sittings' each day.

However, between all the fun and games, every once and awhile realize that playing a video game is no less SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT than the rest of life (which, by the way, is kind of a big video game itself ... sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, we do get better at it but it comes to an end nonetheless ... until the next game anyway ... and there is a reset button called 'Zazen').

Gassho, J

PS - Zazen sitting is SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT ... even on those days when it does not feel so. That is how SACRED, WORTHY, A MIRACLE, A PERFECT JUST THAT MOMENT it is, that it need not even show off! 8)

[will]

Re: Temptation

You play Oblivion?

LOL

My project:

http://www.createforum.com/middleearthr ... eearthrole

[AlanLa]

Re: Temptation

i am also tempted by sloth. Lately, I have been training my awareness on relaxation and fun, which I have found are not the same thing at all. I am finding I am actually pretty relaxed while working, and that I feel good about myself while working and afterwards, especially afterwards. It feels good to be productive. Of course, it helps that I like what I do. Fun needs to be done in moderation, or it doesn't feel like much fun afterwards, same with working -- too much is not a good thing. I still have a lot to learn about fun, but early results so far tell me that working moderately feels much better than sloth, and this is somewhat of a revelation, quite counter-intiuitive. I just finished spring break and I worked at least 3-4 hours every day on various projects I have going on, some days it was 7-8 hours, and it was great! The last day of break I did nothing productive at all, nor did I have any fun, and that was not great at all.

Okay, gotta get to work now and do that stuff I should've done yesterday so I can feel better today :P :lol:

[will]

Re: Temptation

Playing computer games for a long time will drain you. All thing in moderation. Games are supposed to be fun. It is best to get into the habit of going to bed at a certain time, and getting up at a certain time. Just make sure you do that. And make sure you sit Zazen. Games are just games. You should be ready to throw them away if need be. Limit your playing time, and do something productive.

Gassho

[Jundo]

Re: Temptation

Playing computer games for a long time will drain you. All thing in moderation. Games are supposed to be fun. It is best to get into the habit of going to bed at a certain time, and getting up at a certain time. Just make sure you do that. And make sure you sit Zazen. Games are just games. You should be ready to throw them away if need be. Limit your playing time, and do something productive.

Gassho

Sitting Zazen too much will drain you. The sometime "Intensive Retreat" is a good thing, a learning experience rich in depth and insight ... but not each and every day for life (even most Soto monks limit the "hard training" to certain periods of the year and times in life).

And Zazen should remain a game. Maybe not always "fun", but a game.

Neither excess ... nor sloth and neglect. A Middle Way.

[will]

Re: Temptation

I am a modeler (and clothing designer, which I like best):

http://i42.tinypic.com/34zaza0.jpg

http://i39.tinypic.com/zn6848.jpg

http://i41.tinypic.com/ehx6s8.jpg

[Stephanie]

Re: Temptation

I appreciate the interesting responses everyone has shared here, but no one has really gotten at the main thing that drove me to post this, which is the experience of there being some kind of force that opposes us or pulls us off the path. I'm not saying I believe there is literally such a thing or entity--I don't--but that this is how the experience of the path often feels. I can relate to those old-timey spirituals in which a person sings, "Get behind me, Satan." Because it really feels like that--that something blinds me, leads me astray, blocks my way or sends me in the wrong direction.

So the question is, how to deal with it? I know it is a good thing to sit every day; I want to get back to sitting every day; but I keep losing this battle with the part of me that is more animalistic and just wants to veg out. And what I've learned from experience is that wrestling myself to the cushion and forcing myself to sit when I'm really not into it or wanting to might work for a while, but I'll always stop if I'm not invested in what I'm doing in a deeper way than a mere sense of duty or correctness.

The troubling thing is, that at times, the yearning to awaken, that has driven most of my life, falls into the background, like a quiet murmur. I just genuinely don't care about it. Some small part of me does, which is why I'm disturbed by it. Disturbed by how easy it is to lose track, lose touch, with all the things in life that are most important to me. To throw away wisdom and its pursuit for entertainment and indulgence. To throw away patience in favor of aggression, to throw away kindness in favor of bitterness. What happens? Where do all my angels go, when the demons start running wild?

I really want to commit myself more fully to practice and I don't know why I can't, basically. It feels like a huge block. I wish I could understand how easily the whole being can turn away from what it values.

[Jundo]

Re: Temptation

Like "writer's block"? Like Mara the Temptor?

In Buddhist cosmology, Mara ... is a tempter, distracting humans from practicing the spiritual life by making the mundane alluring or the negative seem positive.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mara_%28demon%29



Although not exactly helpful to the subject here, Stephen Batchelor has a lovely reflection on Mara and Devils ...

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Devil-Step ... t_ep_dpi_3

But, anyway, on you point: Like "writer's block" ... just start moving your fingers over the keys (and let the words just come out ... they will) or, in this case, just get you butt on the cushion. You will probably find that the Zazen takes over from there.

Just do what comes natural ... like this boy ...

[monkton]

Re: Temptation

EDIT: -I just read your post on the 'Killing' thread - hey, you know all this already (and say it better than I do), so I guess I'm still not understanding your problem. Ho Hum.I'm off to sit now anyway, good night!



Hi Stephanie,

I'll always stop if I'm not invested in what I'm doing in a deeper way than a mere sense of duty or correctness.

Are you beating yourself up with a bit of 'all or nothing' thinking? I'm thinking (and Jundo and others will leap in and correct me if it's way off beam)there isn't anything to invest in except the moment that you're sitting in. And it's a pointless activity anyway, so investment at any level, deep or otherwise isn't going to produce any dividends.

As far as zazen goes we just have to be there at this moment, not really 'doing' anything.

This reads like you've been planning to take up a course, then realised that you don't have the time to do get through all the books, (which means you might not get a good mark - is that a worry?) and so you drop it. If the course is 'doing' us, though it's OK, there's no time limit, no final exam.

Master Dogen is rather encouraging to those of us who sometimes practice half-heartedly (and at the same time, he's pretty strict with the plain lazy):

you should discard your myriad involvements, cease frittering away your time, and devote
yourself to diligently practicing the Way. You should do your training and practice,
even though you may still be attached to discriminatory thinking; you should do
your training and practice, even if you have gone beyond discriminatory thinking;
you should do your training and practice, even though you may be half-hearted in
the attempt. Study with urgency, as though you were extinguishing a fire on your
head: study with joy and hopefulness, as though you were standing on tiptoes.
Should you behave in this way, you will not be disturbed by bad-mouthing
demons.

Just a thought - are you confusing your angels and demons? the very thing that you feel is inspiring you to deeper and more committed practice, might be the thing which is stopping you from doing it (because it's telling you that you have 'do it right' in some way which it - and not zazen - has determined).
gassho,
Michael

[AlanLa]

Re: Temptation

Wasn't gonna post, but then read some other threads and kept seeing how they applied here, so most of this ain't mine.
Zazen is boring! Brad
You can win a fight with yourself. Paraphrasing Chet here, because it sure sounds like you are fighting yourself over this.
The mind that is obsessed with... accomplishing goals [like sitting zazen daily?]... this mind will never free us. It is what keeps us chasing our tails. You wrote this, Stephanie, so why chase your tail to the cushion? As you wrote just a few lines later... you can't fall off the floor, but you have to get on the floor first. I don't know about you, but when I read that I get inspired to sit!
Sitting zazen every day is a process, not an outcome. Ok, that one's mine, probably not at all helpful to you, but it really works wonders for me in taking out the boredom and chasing and fighting to get it done aspect. And I sit pretty darn near every day. About the only time I miss is when traveling or not feeling well, both times when sitting would be a really good thing to do, so I got a ways to go yet on this non-goal activity. And it really is NOT a goal, it's just something I do, or maybe it's something that does me, which brings me to...
You don't sit zazen; zazen sits zazen. Oh who said that again :roll: