Zen Funeral Practices

[Zenkon]

I am looking for advice on how to conduct a Zen funeral in a secular environment.

My wife and I were discussing what funeral arrangements we would each like for ourselves. My wife is a Catholic and wants a Catholic service and mass. She asked me what I would like and ….. I didn’t know.

I am the sole Buddhist in a family of Christians of various denominations. I have no “in-person” Buddhist friends, and there is no “in-person” sangha in my community. In short, there will be no Buddhists at my funeral.

My concern is for the people attending my funeral. Many may not even know I am a Zen Buddhist. I don’t want any service that is overly foreign or uncomfortable for them.
I am planning on cremation, and am thinking of a simple secular service at a wake. I plan on wearing my Rakusu, and I have an audio recording of the “Heart Sutra” which I plan on having played.

From those who have dealt with a similar situation, what suggestions do you have?

Gassho

ZenKon
sat/lah

[Onsho]

Hi Zenkon
I just wanted to thank you for your openness to post this here. I really admire when people are able to make themselves vulnerable during delicate situations and conversations. Your love really shines through in this post. I'm wishing you and your wife a long happy life together, and good luck getting to the bottom of this.

Gassho
Taihoku
Satlah

[Ryker]

I'm in the same boat, no Buddhist friends, I'm the only one who is Buddhist in my entire Christian family and they don't even know.

When I worked at the mortuary there was a connecting buddist area, where they ONLY did services for Buddhist, I wish I had gone over more to learn now than I thought about it.

Maybe try doing that? Finding a place that does Buddhist services and checking their options out, that way you can get more ideas.

Gassho [emoji120]

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[Jundo]

I am looking for advice on how to conduct a Zen funeral in a secular environment.

My wife and I were discussing what funeral arrangements we would each like for ourselves. My wife is a Catholic and wants a Catholic service and mass. She asked me what I would like and ….. I didn’t know.

I am the sole Buddhist in a family of Christians of various denominations. I have no “in-person” Buddhist friends, and there is no “in-person” sangha in my community. In short, there will be no Buddhists at my funeral.

My concern is for the people attending my funeral. Many may not even know I am a Zen Buddhist. I don’t want any service that is overly foreign or uncomfortable for them.
I am planning on cremation, and am thinking of a simple secular service at a wake. I plan on wearing my Rakusu, and I have an audio recording of the “Heart Sutra” which I plan on having played.

From those who have dealt with a similar situation, what suggestions do you have?

Gassho

ZenKon
sat/lah

Hi ZenKon,

Well, of course, I would be very happy to have a funeral for you here at Treeleaf any time!

Sorry, I guess that expressed that very badly. You know what I mean.

In all seriousness, it would be at a distance, might not be a "funeral," but we are always ready to dedicate a Zazenkai and some Chanting as a special memorial for any member who requests. We have done so for a few folks over the years.

I am very much of opinion that one does not need a "traditional Soto Zen style funeral" ... which, by the way, actually is a kind of Ordination of the Deceased, very much resembling a "Jukai" or "Shukke Tokudo" but with the "Jukai recipient" in a box! The deceased is given the Precepts, with the idea that if they go into the next world "as a priest," they are likely to get a good rebirth. Nobody knows exactly how the deceased actually can agree to the Precepts (being dead and all), but it is said that the priest conducting the funeral hears the words of vow in his heart. In fact, the whole idea of an "ordination-funeral" for lay folks was only invented centuries ago, and is just somebody's creative notion.

Yes, it is a little "wacky" if you ask me.

Talk about "Homeleaving!" That is really "undertaking" the Precepts, for sure!

In any case, I am a big believer that folks should plan and design their own funeral, with things meaningful to them. That is what I have facilitated the few funerals that I was asked to perform: Play music, have readings, have attendees share fond memories of you, have a good "Irish Wake" with laughter and family gathering (the Japanese do this, and it is marvelous, with the grandkids and family gathered in the same room with the departed "grandpa/grandma" reposing in a futon there ... sake flowing a bit. The movie Departures, if you saw that, has some of that. Then, priests show up, do some chanting. Then all head to the crematorium to eat lunch, and drink more sake, while grandma is getting roasted for an hour or so ... after which everyone in the family, even the little kids, move grandma's bones and ashes to the urn with chopsticks and little dustpans ... yes, the little kids pick up the bone pieces with mom's help, place them in the urn. It is actually moving and beautiful, not anything bad. The Japanese just know how to keep death close, not push it away with make-up and embalming like Americans tend to do. The whole event is a true "goodbye." )

But I am sure that your relatives don't wish to move your ashes with chopsticks.

So, I would just advise you to do what is meaningful ... maybe a little Heart Sutra, live or by recording, some reading passages, maybe a little party. Whatever you like.

I don't think that there need be any rules, so long as it is meaningful to you and your family. You are a good person, ZenKon, so I am sure that you will be going to a good place without need for much outside help.

Gassho, Jundo

stlah

PS - During the Irish Wake, the funeral directors do the final washing and encoffining of the body. It is stunning. Here is a dramatization from Departures ... (the confusion mid-scene is that the deceased turns out the be physically male ... the parents decide that she always lived as a woman, so should be buried as a woman.) ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKu56xEdBxw

[Ryker]

Hi ZenKon,

Well, of course, I would be very happy to have a funeral for you here at Treeleaf any time!

Sorry, I guess that expressed that very badly. You know what I mean.

In all seriousness, it would be at a distance, might not be a "funeral," but we are always ready to dedicate a Zazenkai and some Chanting as a special memorial to for any member who requests. We have done so for a few folks over the years.

I am very much of opinion that one does not need a "traditional Soto Zen style funeral" ... which, by the way, actually is a kind of Ordination of the Deceased, very much resembling a "Jukai" or "Shukke Tokudo" but with the "Jukai recipient" in a box! The deceased is given the Precepts, with the idea that if they go into the next world "as a priest," they are likely to get a good rebirth. Nobody knows exactly how the deceased actually can agree to the Precepts (being dead and all), but it is said that the priest conducting the funeral hears the words of vow in his heart. In fact, the whole idea of an "ordination-funeral" for lay folks was only invented centuries ago, and is just somebody's creative notion.

Yes, it is a little "wacky" if you ask me.

Talk about "Homeleaving!" That is really "undertaking" the Precepts, for sure!

In any case, I am a big believer that folks should plan and design their own funeral, with things meaningful to them. That is what I have facilitated the few funerals that I was asked to perform: Play music, have readings, have attendees share fond memories of you, have a good "Irish Wake" with laughter and family gathering (the Japanese do this, and it is marvelous, with the grandkids and family gathered in the same room with the departed "grandpa/grandma" reposing in a futon there ... sake flowing a bit. The movie Departures, if you saw that, has some of that. Then, priests show up, do some chanting. Then all head to the crematorium to eat lunch, and drink more sake, while grandma is getting roasted for an hour or so ... after which everyone in the family, even the little kids, move grandma's bones and ashes to the urn with chopsticks and little dustpans ... yes, the little kids pick up the bone pieces with mom's help, place them in the urn. It is actually moving and beautiful, not anything bad. The Japanese just know how to keep death close, not push it away with make-up and embalming like Americans tend to do. The whole event is a true "goodbye." )

But I am sure that your relatives don't wish to move your ashes with chopsticks.

So, I would just advise you to do what is meaningful ... maybe a little Heart Sutra, live or by recording, some reading passages, maybe a little party. Whatever you like.

I don't think that there need be any rules, so long as it is meaningful to you and your family. You are a good person, ZenKon, so I am sure that you will be going to a good place without need for much outside help.

Gassho, Jundo

stlah

PS - During the Irish Wake, the funeral directors do the final washing and encoffining of the body. It is stunning. Here is a dramatization from Departures ... (the confusion mid-scene is that the deceased turns out the be physically male ... the parents decide that she always lived as a woman, so should be buried as a woman.) ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKu56xEdBxw

I got to say I love everything you said and Departures is such a good movie! Watched it a ton before going into mortuary school!

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[Shinshi]

These were some resources I found when searching for funeral services when a friend of mine died. These are just things I found which were helpful for me. I particularly liked the When Blossoms Fall document

From Shotshu

https://www.sotozen.com/eng/practice/commemoration/conduct.html

Whiteplum lineage:

https://whiteplum.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Soto_Lay_Funeral_Procedure.pdf

SFZC

https://branchingstreams.sfzc.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Blossoms-Fall-Booklet_Edition3-printfinal.pdf

Gassho,

Shinshi

[Doshin]

Interesting discussion.

Zenkon your question had me think about my own request. I don’t have any Buddhist friends close nor are most of my friends/family strongly participating in any religion except my wife. I share my thoughts here just to show what my thinking is..

My perspective is that funerals and memorials are for the living, a good thing to bring closure. In addition my friends are scattered around the country and I don’t want them to travel to say good bye. If closer, I would have a memorial outside and have the Heart Sutra played. I asked my son to scatter my ashes on a mountain range that has great importance to me (A Sky Island) In fact he came out last summer (he realizes I am not the young man he knew the last 50 years) so I could show him where. And I hope he will play the Heart Sutra from his phone. He told me he “gpsed” the spot and I laughed and said you don’t need to be that precise. For me the Buddhist part of my departure is having my ashes spread in the natural world that we are all interdependent with versus a cemetery. Both places will take me back to the source, just longer for one. Knowing that I would be offered back to nature sooner and be reborn into many other life forms is comforting.

Doshin
Stlah

PS I am a Priest in training and what I shared is my wish and not in anyway a representation of Zen..it just me

[Chikyou]

Jundo, your description of Japanese funeral practices sounds absolutely lovely and I do wish American culture had a closer relationship with death - I suspect it would be psychologically healthier for us.

Doshin, your wish to be scattered on the mountain and its tie to Buddhist teachings is lovely as well; a true letting go (which, admittedly, for me at least, is easier said than done and I have a small vial of my mom's ashes as well as my dog's ashes).

Sorry for running long

Gassho
SatLah
Chikyō

[Ryker]

Jundo, your description of Japanese funeral practices sounds absolutely lovely and I do wish American culture had a closer relationship with death - I suspect it would be psychologically healthier for us.

Sorry for running long

Gassho
SatLah
Chikyō

Absolutely agree, I wish Americans had a culture close to death, I'm sure it would help the husbands, crippling fear of the unknown/fear of death.
I think it would be healthier for us.

Gasshō,Ryker
Sat/Lah

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[Seiko]

When I moved to a new town, I had no need of my old house. I don't know what happened to it. That doesn't bother me.

When I die, I have no need for my body. What happens to it isn't a worry.

Gasshō
Seiko
stlah