Parenting and the unfolding of self

[Will001]

Hi all,

(This is experience sharing)

My wife and I are new parents. After several losses during the last few years one of our children finally made it. It's been a wild ride.

Part of this journey for has been a very intense and often painful unfolding of the self. My wife and I work opposite schedules and weekends. Between parenting and caring for my wife I have found little to no energy left over for myself. Initially this was really jarring, and I often became withdrawn and clipped in my interactions.

While I have intellectually understood that there is no mirror to polish, nowhere for the dust to settle, I had no real experience of that. I watch now, for the small "me", to hear when his voice gets loud, to see when he starts to make demands.

It is getting easier.

Gassho, w

Sat today

[Kokuu]

While I have intellectually understood that there is no mirror to polish, nowhere for the dust to settle, I had no real experience of that. I watch now, for the small "me", to hear when his voice gets loud, to see when he starts to make demands.

It is getting easier.

Those little humans are certainly fine teachers! Becoming a parent really is a new way of being and I hope that you and your wife enjoy it, especially after your experiences of loss along the way.

My three 'small' humans are pretty much ready to fly the nest now, and still teaching me.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

[Shonin Risa Bear]

We are all fingers on a hand, so to speak.

Metta to you on your losses.

gassho
ds sat/lah

[Ryumon]

I only raised one human, and it still surprises me that we’re allowed to do that with no training and no license.

Gassho,
Ryūmon (Kirk)
Sat

[Tai Do]

I only raised one human, and it still surprises me that we’re allowed to do that with no training and no license.

Gassho,
Ryūmon (Kirk)
Sat

I relate to that. Still trying to figure out our family life with our three small humans here.
Congratulations, Will!
Gassho,
Mateus
Satlah

[Amelia]

Congratulations to you and your wife, Will.

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. While I am not a parent myself, there are plenty of parents here who I'm sure can relate to how you are feeling. What you describe sounds pretty normal for your situation. From what I have seen, soon a rhythm is found and things become a bit easier. I hope things settle for you soon.

Gassho
Sat, lah

[Veronica]

Congratulations and sorry for your losses.
Babies are adorable. And it's a good thing, because the baby phase is tough! Mine are 18 and 15 now. So many interesting stages along the way, and they have brought so much richness to life. Take care of yourself and your little family.
Veronica
Stlah

[Ankai]

I've got four kids ranging in age from 35 to 10 years old.
Part of parenthood is exactly what you describe... your entire identity changes- sometimes painfully, but also with tremendous reward- with the reorganizing of your priorities.
Having done this "Parent" thing since 1987, I'll let you know when it gets easy...

SatToday

[Jundo]

Sorry, I was just helping Sada with her homework after driving her from Karate lessons. What did I miss?

Gassho, Jundo Dad

stlah

[Risho]

Lots of wise words here. Having children, to me, is a blessing I never thought I'd get to experience.

As Ankai said, it's an identity shift in many ways; it's tremendous practice because it requires patience, focus, dropping the ego, punching a wall , etc. I'm a completely new parent; our baby is almost 2, so I don't have a ton of experience hahah

I find with having a baby, my parents passing that I'm grateful for this practice, because it shows me these things are exactly my practice itself; I know Jundo has been saying that for years, especially with diapers. It really makes me ask who I am. I don't mean that to be zenny or anything; I really mean it - these things really showcase how fluid my identity is.

Gassho

Risho
-stlah

[Will001]

Before my daughter came, I'd always struggled with the practice of just doing the next indicated thing and going straight on. She has, in many ways, made our lives much simpler.

Thanks everyone for your words off recognition and encouragement.

Sat today

W

[MattN]

"The unfolding of self" is a wonderful way of describing parenting. It is undeniably a shock to the system.

We adopted our daughter when she was 3. So the classic "new parent shock" was overlaid on the challenges of suddenly parenting a child who could already talk, negotiate, demand etc! Moreover, she was dependent on me but with a view of my identity that was some way distant from my own view.

These challenges were among the experiences that led me to Buddhism and then Zen - I became aware of the need for a framework in my life that could accommodate all this. The move away from a fixed, unchanging view of the self has been hugely important in adjusting to what my life is now.

Matt

sat today

[Tai Do]

"The unfolding of self" is a wonderful way of describing parenting. It is undeniably a shock to the system.

We adopted our daughter when she was 3. So the classic "new parent shock" was overlaid on the challenges of suddenly parenting a child who could already talk, negotiate, demand etc! Moreover, she was dependent on me but with a view of my identity that was some way distant from my own view.

These challenges were among the experiences that led me to Buddhism and then Zen - I became aware of the need for a framework in my life that could accommodate all this. The move away from a fixed, unchanging view of the self has been hugely important in adjusting to what my life is now.

Matt

sat today

That's great, Matt. Our three daughters are also adopted. It's a real challenge that constantly put in check our identity and small self-image.
Gassho,
Mateus
Satlah

[Seiko]

My wife and I are new parents.

Sure, they need us when they are new in this world. We are still parents when they are 31. I am 62 and I still sometimes think, "Oh I'll tell Dad (or Mum) about that". Of course they died long ago.

And our children's view of me is a lot different to my own idea of who I am. That difference keeps reminding me that "I" only really exists inside my own head

Seiko
stlah

[Tom M]

Hi w,

I'm sorry for your losses. Parenting is a profound path that I've also been walking for 16 months now. Very exhausting at times, but wonderful too. The old self you once had can seem erased, but then you feel braided back into the timeless dance of life, of the cosmos. Remembering back as far as you can into your infancy, and forward towards death. And this new life you've made, somehow drawn from that dark enigma you also came from. Then they throw yoghurt at your face to end these reveries

I wish you and your family all the best

Tom
Sat today