Zen and grieve

[6yx]

I'm grieving the unexpected death of my father and brother. It's hard to deal with. I'm looking for advice and books.

I imagine with time the torrent will ebb.

This is where I am now. Please help.

Thank you,

Christopher

[Risho]

Christopher - I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know exactly what you are feeling right now, but I have also experience death as probably all of us have.

I don't have any answers, and I don't know that there is much I can do, but I will sit and pray for you and your family. Sending tons of metta your way.

You are not alone here.

Gassho

Risho
-stlah

[Shonin Risa Bear]

Metta indeed. All my books are free at my blog in PDF, if that's any help; http://risashome.blogspot.com/ also there is a link to many books that I've edited, free in html online at a mirror of my old site, or in PDF at the university where I used to work; links to the PDFs broke, but the archive is still there. https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/xml...hanie%2C+1949-

gassho
ds sat & lah this morning

[Kokuu]

Christopher

Much metta to you and your family. Although in Buddhism and Zen we often talk about death and impermanence, coming to face-to-face with the loss of those we love is still a devastating experience. I have always found that while my body is experiencing the shock of loss, my mind is unable to process the fact that yesterday someone was alive and talking, then today they are not.

You are right, that time is the thing that lessens the pain of grief, although it can return at predictable times (birthdays, family celebrations etc) and unpredictable ones when you see something that reminds you of them.

I have not got much more advice other than to feel what you are feeling and do whatever you feel you need to do to celebrate or commemorate the lives of your loved ones. In Zen it is traditional to recite The Heart Sutra, often for a period of seven days (or multiples of seven if you wish to go longer up until 49 days) and you can light a candle or incense to go with that.

When I was facing my own apparent ending a few years ago, I found Roshi Joan Halifax's book Being With Dying to be helpful, even though it is mostly aimed at caregivers who work with terminally ill people.

Traditional Buddhist reading such as the story of Kisa Gotami (which I imagine you know) and the Buddha's own passing, might also be of value.

Take care. There is no right way to do this.

Apologies for running long.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Amelia]

I am so sorry Christopher... It is so hard to lose someone, I can't imagine what it must feel like losing two people at once. It must be horrible. We are all sitting with you, day by day.

I'm sure you know that grieving is a process that we must let unfold. Do whatever you feel in each moment: sleep, cry, eat, don't eat, process, sit, don't sit... It takes care of itself over time, it is very natural, but it is very hard. The body and brain are doing their best to soothe themselves.

We are always here
Gassho
Sat, lah

[Inshin]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Much Metta to you. The only advice I can think of is to not make the same mistake as I did: detaching from this horrible experience, burying emotions and returning to "normal" life without giving yourself the time to grieve.
I'll dedicate merit an zazen to you.

Gassho
Sat

[KellyRok]

Hello Christopher,

My heart is with you through your grief and healing, sometimes it feels too much to bear. Allow yourself to feel it, all of it, and then pick your head up and do what you can to get through each moment of the day. My dear friend just suffered a few losses herself and she recommended this book,

https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=it%27s+okay+that+you%27re+not+ok&qid=1631222661&sr=8-1

I hope it helps in some way...in the meantime we are here.

Gassho,
Kelly/Jinmei
sat/lah

[Kaishin]

Christopher,

That's a huge loss to deal with, and I can't imagine how much you are suffering right now. The only thing I can offer you is my sincere condolences, and I hope you are able to find some peace in this pain. Treeleaf is always here, 24/7. Feel free to DM me anytime too if you like.

[Jundo]

Hi Chris,

Probably there is very little that can be read or written that is really important. It is a time of grief and sadness, so allow yourself to grieve. It is human and it is what people who love others do when their loved ones seem lost from this world.

I will point you to a few little things. Joan Halifax has many essays and books on death and dying, and here is one about grief (it is a portion of the "Being with Dying" book for hospice and caregivers that Kokuu mentioned).

https://www.upaya.org/dox/Grief.pdf

Domyo also had a wise talk, as I recall it ...

https://zenstudiespodcast.com/grief-in-buddhism-1/

I just happened to finish listening to a wonderful podcast about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the psychiatrist to whom is attributed the "Five Stage of Grief." It turns out that she never meant it to be so mechanical and clear cut, and everyone goes through such things ... denial, resistance, acceptance, etc. ... as a much more personal, in and out, mixed together process over time, sometimes more one or not so much another, everyone finding their own way. Just let yourself walk that path. There is a world of difference between grieving, and resisting or feeling bad about grieving.

In the meantime, if it is appropriate, may we dedicate tomorrow's Zazenkai to your dad and brother, now at peace?

Gassho, J

STLah

(sorry to have run long)

[Jakuden]

Chris, I will add my Metta to all the others here and sit for you. I’m so sorry for your losses.

The only thing I can add is that lately during times of grief, if I allow myself to be really wide open to it, I have discovered that the raw feeling of it seems to somehow connect all of humanity… we are all linked in the way we experience impermanence, and feelings of grief and loss. We have come here to Treeleaf to learn to understand it better, as well as to hold each other up while we learn.

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[CK732]

Chris,

So sorry to hear about your loss. It’s going to take time to get on the other side of your grief - don’t force it. I don’t believe there’s a specific Zen way to deal with it but I hope my words help. Try to continue to live every day - get up, eat, go to work, exercise and sit. In the beginning it will feel like you are only going through the motions but with time, it will get better. Don’t try to place time limits on your grief, it will be over when it’s over and it will not feel unfinished. Add metta to your sit and try to find something to smile about and laugh every day even if it’s a chuckle. I know your pain and am sending healing thoughts your way.

Gassho

Nanto

Sat/Lah

[Seibu]

Christopher,

I'm so sorry for your losses. Having dealt with this myself I understand what you're going through. The only advice I can give you is to allow your self to grieve and to share and express your grief with someone close to you, someone who knows and understands you. You can message me if you ever need a listening ear.

Gassho,
Seibu
Sattoday

[Tai Shi]

My wife lost her mother and her brother between 2012 and 2014. I lost my mother in 1997. We took parents death very hard, less so brother, parents death was very difficult no matter age or circumstance. There is no easy death, but if one is prepared, who knows? Don't be afraid to say the words "Death," "Dying," or "Die." The words are what is. The death may be liberation or may escape; much is Hidden especially with dying children. No one can ever know what livres beyond death; that's hard.
Gassho
sat/ lah

[Shonin]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Dave
Sat/LAH

[Nenka]

Hi Christopher,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I found the articles at whatsyourgrief.com helpful, especially the comments by so many people going through the same thing.

And one thing I learned about grieving: it takes longer than you think.

Gassho

Nenka
ST