Zazen & Shikantaza when illness 'zags' instead of 'zigs'
Hi all,
I have a question that I'm struggling to find the correct phrasing for.
For some time now, I've been experiencing periodic spasming and twitching -- I suppose muscular, intra-muscular, ligaments, general soft tissue -- that sometimes is just annoying, other times is problematic, but is really frustrating. It comes and goes. I informed my neurologist of it last year, but given that migraines and seizures also cause some memory loss, when he followed up again, I couldn't remember (at that time) what he was referring to. Then it started up again.
Related specifically to zazen and shikantaza -- I end up having to move frequently. When awake, I have to move frequently anyway, or my body will move on its own. During Sunday Sit, for example, I was seated as comfortably as possible (to minimize pain), hands in gassho as normal -- but my fingers started twitching throughout the Heart Sutra. During Zazen, various parts of me were twitching, or felt like they were about to kick out. During kinhin, I took the opportunity to stretch and tried to alleviate some of the tension that I felt was building up -- but there was none, which confused me. It still felt like my limbs were ready to spring out. During the second part of zazen, my shoulders twitched and my head snapped back suddenly. I was sitting on an old cot leaning against the wall, so I only hit the cot (no damage done).
This is partly how I end up with odd bruises all over me (have a big shiner on my forearm now). Unfortunately, my neuro always asks "how" these things happen, what was I doing .... I often can't remember at the time, only that part of me spasmed and something goes flying or I hit something but don't know why or how. I'm always walking into things or tripping over who knows what.
Related to zazen and shikantaza -- does anyone else experience anything like this? Is there a way to "sit zazen" in a calmer way, or without "disturbing the peace" of one's sangha mates (Zoom picks up all movements), and/or without injuring oneself any further? I'd rather not have to take a muscle relaxant before zazen each time (makes me drowsy), but I'm afraid I may have to.
Some days are better than others, and I have not been able to reach most of my specialists recently (one has no appts for weeks). I know that I can sit in Recline pose, though I feel rather self-conscious that way. But I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and has any suggestions -- with sitting zazen, staying safe, or even what to avoid or things to consider.
Sorry for running long. Much of my illness I am "used to" after a few years (as much as one can be). Twitches and spasms are just frustrating, though thankfully not so painful unless I hit something or burn myself.
gassho, meian st lh
I have a question that I'm struggling to find the correct phrasing for.
For some time now, I've been experiencing periodic spasming and twitching -- I suppose muscular, intra-muscular, ligaments, general soft tissue -- that sometimes is just annoying, other times is problematic, but is really frustrating. It comes and goes. I informed my neurologist of it last year, but given that migraines and seizures also cause some memory loss, when he followed up again, I couldn't remember (at that time) what he was referring to. Then it started up again.
Related specifically to zazen and shikantaza -- I end up having to move frequently. When awake, I have to move frequently anyway, or my body will move on its own. During Sunday Sit, for example, I was seated as comfortably as possible (to minimize pain), hands in gassho as normal -- but my fingers started twitching throughout the Heart Sutra. During Zazen, various parts of me were twitching, or felt like they were about to kick out. During kinhin, I took the opportunity to stretch and tried to alleviate some of the tension that I felt was building up -- but there was none, which confused me. It still felt like my limbs were ready to spring out. During the second part of zazen, my shoulders twitched and my head snapped back suddenly. I was sitting on an old cot leaning against the wall, so I only hit the cot (no damage done).
This is partly how I end up with odd bruises all over me (have a big shiner on my forearm now). Unfortunately, my neuro always asks "how" these things happen, what was I doing .... I often can't remember at the time, only that part of me spasmed and something goes flying or I hit something but don't know why or how. I'm always walking into things or tripping over who knows what.
Related to zazen and shikantaza -- does anyone else experience anything like this? Is there a way to "sit zazen" in a calmer way, or without "disturbing the peace" of one's sangha mates (Zoom picks up all movements), and/or without injuring oneself any further? I'd rather not have to take a muscle relaxant before zazen each time (makes me drowsy), but I'm afraid I may have to.
Some days are better than others, and I have not been able to reach most of my specialists recently (one has no appts for weeks). I know that I can sit in Recline pose, though I feel rather self-conscious that way. But I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and has any suggestions -- with sitting zazen, staying safe, or even what to avoid or things to consider.
Sorry for running long. Much of my illness I am "used to" after a few years (as much as one can be). Twitches and spasms are just frustrating, though thankfully not so painful unless I hit something or burn myself.
gassho, meian st lh
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