About ten days ago while staring at the wall during my morning ritual zazen, I found myself able to keep my focus on one point on the wall and just that one small point. Slowly everything else collapsed, monkey mind went completely silent, and there was ONLY that one small spot on the wall. But within that one small spot everything else was contained. I felt aware of everything inside and outside of me, yet there was just that one spot on the wall. It was a pure moment that contained everything at the same time there was nothing there at all except me and that spot, each of us not one yet also not two. But I can’t really describe my experience, as it was beyond words. I think the reason it is beyond words is that words require static thoughts, and this was fluid experience beyond thought. Anyway, after a brief time in that experience it occurred to me that the 12-fold chain of origination had stopped, that there was no chain anymore tying me to the rest of my life/world. I was in some completely new space/time beyond anything resembling my normal daily existence. But this was a thought, and with that thought the whole experience suddenly unraveled and I was back to normal (delusional?) reality. I was just staring at a blank white wall again, but suddenly I felt like I was actually SEEING that wall as a blank screen where all my thoughts are projected. I could suddenly see how I add on so much to life that just isn’t there. All of which leads me to this…
OK, so here’s the good thing: My regular daytime life process has changed. Ever since this experience when I look at people I am SO much more aware of all the thoughts and judgments I add on to them. I realize now that mostly when I “saw” people it was really all my judgments and thoughts about them. Before, this happened mostly beneath awareness, but now when I see people I see that process of adding on those thoughts and judgments. Before, my awareness of this add-on process was hints and whispers, but now it’s Out Loud and Clear. Not that all that add-on stuff has stopped, because it hasn’t, but now I see the add-on process at the same time I see people more clearly than ever before, just like that spot on the wall. Not that I make any more sense of people than before, because I don’t. But there’s a depth to them (and me) that is new and that I am still exploring. Some one will walk by in the morning on my way into the office and all this process instantaneously happens, and I just shake my head and smile.
OK, so here’s the not-so-good thing: The zazen process has snagged because I am a bit stuck in this one-time outcome experience. I know I need to move on from this, but the associational memory of it is so strong that it is difficult to do so. I found myself the next day trying to do it again, but all I succeeded in doing was hurting my eyes, lol. So for a few days I tried not to try and do it again, but I discovered that any form of trying just gets in the way. In other words, during the experience I was beyond thoughts, and now it is thoughts/memories of the experience that are keeping me away from the experience. Ironic, huh.
Anyway, during my usual old-fashioned monkey mind this morning I decided that I needed to write all this down and submit it as a means of letting it go so that I can get back to that natural zazen. Sorry for the length. I keep trying to make it more sensible to a reader, but I realize I probably can’t, so I’ll stop now. Thanks for listening….
OK, so here’s the good thing: My regular daytime life process has changed. Ever since this experience when I look at people I am SO much more aware of all the thoughts and judgments I add on to them. I realize now that mostly when I “saw” people it was really all my judgments and thoughts about them. Before, this happened mostly beneath awareness, but now when I see people I see that process of adding on those thoughts and judgments. Before, my awareness of this add-on process was hints and whispers, but now it’s Out Loud and Clear. Not that all that add-on stuff has stopped, because it hasn’t, but now I see the add-on process at the same time I see people more clearly than ever before, just like that spot on the wall. Not that I make any more sense of people than before, because I don’t. But there’s a depth to them (and me) that is new and that I am still exploring. Some one will walk by in the morning on my way into the office and all this process instantaneously happens, and I just shake my head and smile.
OK, so here’s the not-so-good thing: The zazen process has snagged because I am a bit stuck in this one-time outcome experience. I know I need to move on from this, but the associational memory of it is so strong that it is difficult to do so. I found myself the next day trying to do it again, but all I succeeded in doing was hurting my eyes, lol. So for a few days I tried not to try and do it again, but I discovered that any form of trying just gets in the way. In other words, during the experience I was beyond thoughts, and now it is thoughts/memories of the experience that are keeping me away from the experience. Ironic, huh.
Anyway, during my usual old-fashioned monkey mind this morning I decided that I needed to write all this down and submit it as a means of letting it go so that I can get back to that natural zazen. Sorry for the length. I keep trying to make it more sensible to a reader, but I realize I probably can’t, so I’ll stop now. Thanks for listening….
and I thank you for that.
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