Strong back, soft front

[Kokuu]

Hi all

Many of you know that I have a chronic illness and that forms the basis for a great deal of my practice. Some of you will be aware that this illness has been deteriorating very significantly for the past two or three years.

Yesterday I spoke to my doctor and she said there was nothing else she could offer me besides pain relief. This is not a terminal diagnosis as such, yet as I continue to grow weaker I am facing up to questions about death and impermanence in a very real way. It is of course, a constant refrain in Buddhist teachings but this is the first time my mortality has become real.

Roshi Joan Halifax of Upaya Zen Center has a saying about sitting and practice which is 'strong back, soft front'. As far as I understand it, this encompasses a vulnerability and openness to experience with courage and strength. For a large part of her life, Roshi Joan has been working with people who are dying and teaching this practice to others. Her approach to practice has been very much informed by what she has seen of people facing the end of life and she wrote a book called Being with Dying which I am currently reading in audio format and can greatly recommend to anyone interested in this subject.

Anyway, today I started watching a recording on Netflix by the American academic Brené Brown who studies topics such as shame and vulnerability. Many of you might have seen her TED talk The Power of Vulnerability which is one of the top five viewed TED talks ever. I pretty soon realised that Brené and Roshi Joan are talking about the same thing from different points of view of social scientist and Zen teacher.

This seems to be the key for me at the moment, and probably is for all of our life - the willingness to be open to the difficult stuff, the messy stuff, like when Jundo sat in hospital before his cancer operation. We turn towards instead of turning away.

This might sound simple but in practice I find it much less so. I am afraid. Very afraid. Feeling your body weaken each day is not pleasant. However, tensing against it brings more pain and there is literally nowhere to run in this condition.

Even in the unpleasantness of the moment, everything is here. How could it not be? As I break open, the world rushes in. Then we all lie here together - not one, not two.

Gassho
Kokuu

[Horin]

Hello Kokuu,
that post really touched me. Although im in other conditons i can follow your point. The facing of things we dont want to encounter, also uncertainity is hard and i think its natural to try to escape through distracting oneself.. but what if the things are too obvious in front of us, close to us? Any resistance do not help but make suffering even worse. I remind myself more and more of my own death the last month or years, because its too clear that i cannot avoid it.. in your situation, this reminder becomes louder, stronger and confrontation becomes really hard. I wholeheartedly wish u that conditions become more easy for you and at least that this time as an opportunity of practice, gives you the power to face and embrace the things may come.

Gassho and deep bows,
Ben

Stlah

[Tairin]

Thank you for the teaching Kokuu. I am sorry to read of your declining condition. Much metta to you and to all who are suffering.


Tairin
Sat today and lah

[Meishin]

Gassho
Meishin
Sat Today

[Doshin]

Doshin
Stlah

[Shonin Risa Bear]

Kokuu, this post was most helpful. Thank you so much for the sharing. _()_

If I may make some noises --- fear is nature's way. My dad said to me in his last days, "I'm anxious to go, but the animal doesn't want to." And looked down the bed at his body. We can practice death by treating each loss as a death, but in the end, the fear is like those thoughts that obtrude upon zazen -- hard to prevent, but maybe dismissible, at least intermittently. For me, mala practice has been helpful.

I'm here (Treeleaf) because my local teacher recommended it, as I have, over time, found it more and more difficult to get to the zendo, fifty minutes away. We are a sangha stuffed with old-timers and chronically ill folks -- I called in to say I would not make it to the monthly half-day zazenkai, feeling unaccountable shame because I had some responsibilities, and Teacher called back to say, oh, well, so had everyone else (!!!), and she would be circuit riding to check on all of us. When she came we were able to determine I would not need to go to Urgent Care (this time) and brought me homework from my sewing teacher -- the pinned panels for my okesa, ready to begin sewing _()_. We did morning service -- she did full prostrations, I did little bows from the waist in my chair. What we see, for most of us most of time, we label with nouns, but it's all verb, I think -- a prostration is a doing, a nod is a doing. The chair is a doing, the altar is a doing. Also non-doing. Mountains meet mountains.

I have expressed to my Dharma sisters that if I don't make it to the end of the okesa, would they please finish it and provide me with a nun's send-off. They have agreed to do so. This takes some of the (self-imposed) pressure off, and I can watch the clouds on the hills with at least some peace of mind. _()_

gassho,
doyu sat today

[Kokuu]

Thank you, all.

Ben, I have done my fair share of distracting behaviour and you are right that at some point it becomes impossible. Reminding ourselves of death is a common practice in most Buddhist traditions and I find it brings me sharply into the present moment. It is a good thing to do when death doesn't seem close. You look like a young man but we never know when our time will come.

Life and death are of supreme importance. Time quickly passes by and opportunity is lost...

Doyū, I am so glad we can be a practice place for you and happy your teacher recommended Treeleaf. Your father's experience chimes with mine. I cannot imagine not having fear in this situation and it is more about finding a space for it than trying to get rid of it or somehow move beyond. We are hardwired for survival and I cherish every breath and snatch of birdsong. Even the pain has an aliveness about it.

I hope you get to finish your okesa. Breath by breath, stitch by stitch. You words about nouns and verbs have a lot of wisdom. Thank you.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

[Washin]

Washin
st-lah

[Junkyo]

Thank you for sharing this teaching Kokuu.

Deep Bows

Gassho,

Junkyo
SAT

Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk

[Jakuden]

Roshi Joan Halifax of Upaya Zen Center has a saying about sitting and practice which is 'strong back, soft front'. As far as I understand it, this encompasses a vulnerability and openness to experience with courage and strength.
This seems to be the key for me at the moment, and probably is for all of our life - the willingness to be open to the difficult stuff, the messy stuff, like when Jundo sat in hospital before his cancer operation. We turn towards instead of turning away.

This really is the heart of practice. Thank you for that quote, Kokuu, "Strong Back Soft Front" really resonates. This so very temporary, imperfect sojourn in a bag of skin is hard to accept but a little easier when sitting in the company of others. Deep bows for your courage in constantly turning back towards the truth and teaching us all in the process.

Kokuu, this post was most helpful. Thank you so much for the sharing. _()_

If I may make some noises --- fear is nature's way. My dad said to me in his last days, "I'm anxious to go, but the animal doesn't want to." And looked down the bed at his body. We can practice death by treating each loss as a death, but in the end, the fear is like those thoughts that obtrude upon zazen -- hard to prevent, but maybe dismissible, at least intermittently. For me, mala practice has been helpful.

I'm here (Treeleaf) because my local teacher recommended it, as I have, over time, found it more and more difficult to get to the zendo, fifty minutes away. We are a sangha stuffed with old-timers and chronically ill folks -- I called in to say I would not make it to the monthly half-day zazenkai, feeling unaccountable shame because I had some responsibilities, and Teacher called back to say, oh, well, so had everyone else (!!!), and she would be circuit riding to check on all of us. When she came we were able to determine I would not need to go to Urgent Care (this time) and brought me homework from my sewing teacher -- the pinned panels for my okesa, ready to begin sewing _()_. We did morning service -- she did full prostrations, I did little bows from the waist in my chair. What we see, for most of us most of time, we label with nouns, but it's all verb, I think -- a prostration is a doing, a nod is a doing. The chair is a doing, the altar is a doing. Also non-doing. Mountains meet mountains.

I have expressed to my Dharma sisters that if I don't make it to the end of the okesa, would they please finish it and provide me with a nun's send-off. They have agreed to do so. This takes some of the (self-imposed) pressure off, and I can watch the clouds on the hills with at least some peace of mind. _()_

gassho,
doyu sat today

So much wisdom! Thank you for being here with us, Doyu! Your Sangha sounds wonderful, and I will include all those "old timers and chronically ill folks" in Metta practice..., may you all be healthy and at peace with your ills, (and make it to the next Zazenkai)

Deep bows

Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

[Amelia]

I don't know what to say. I will just bow and let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well. And you already know we are all sitting with you.

Gassho

Sat today, lah

[Jundo]

Kokuu,

For those times when you do have the energy, maybe you would want to make a little course of lessons teaching from those books and resources for people with chronic illness.

We can help you with some of the groundwork and labor. You can record on those days when you feel up to it, and even from bed when you need.

Many people would benefit from what you are learning, and any practices that you are developing, to get through these times. Let's discuss it if you are interested.

We are all sitting for you, and others in like circumstances, as always.

Gassho, Jundo

STLah

[Doshin]

Kokuu,

For those times when you do have the energy, maybe you would want to make a little course of lessons teaching from those books and resources for people with chronic illness.

We can help you with some of the groundwork and labor. You can record on those days when you feel up to it, and even from bed when you need.

Many people would benefit from what you are learning, and any practices that you are developing, to get through these times. Let's discuss it if you are interested.

We are all sitting for you, and others in like circumstances, as always.

Gassho, Jundo

STLah

A wonderful idea. Many of us will travel that path and the wisdom will be of value.

Gassho
Doshin
Stlah

[Tai Do]

Thank you, Kokuu, Doyu and Ben, for your teachings.
I have a hernia in the spine and it sometimes give me pain during zazen. It really is nothing at all, just a persistent little pain that, with treatment, is getting weaker. But my egoistic mind still complains. Now I became very inspired by your teachings to sit and embrace this very little pain of mine.
Thank you very much. Much metta to you. May you and all beings be free from suffering.
Gassho,
Mateus
Sat today

[Mp]

Gassho
Shingen

Sat/LAH