On Friday February 8th, my mother died.
I am typing this with a smile in my face. There is sadness in me, of course. But at the same time I am happy she is no longer suffering. I got the precious chance to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to thank her for all she did for me, that she did a good job with me and my sister.
And the last thing I said to her was that I finally got to see my daughter, whom I had to stop seeing for 20 years. Even being at her weakest and with no energy to move anymore, she drew a tiny smile at this.
The next day her pulse and breathing were so faint that the doctors and nurses began all the procedures for the departing. At 3:25 PM, she died. After that, life became a blur because of the speed of things.
My sister was with her. She called me, I told my dad and we went to the hospital.
My dad cried a lot. And with a good reason. His companion of 48 years had died.
We did all the paperwork needed and began the process to send her body for cremation. We agreed on having no funeral service and to keep it all intimate and simple. Just the three of us. We also decided no to tell anyone untie we all were ready to give the news to the family.
We went home to sleep (sort of) and the next day (Saturday) we went to pick up her ashes, which my sister will take to her home town of Mazatlán up in the north.
Later we went to have dinner to a nice place and we laughed, we talked a lot and closed the day with smiles, hugs and kisses.
There is sadness in me, but I'm not suffering. There is no drama, no expectations and no "what ifs". I haven't cried yet, but if tears come, I'll let them flow gladly. But the thing is I am actually in a very good mood.
Zazen and reading Master Dogen's Shoji and chanting Hannya Shingyo everyday have given me a solid ground to stand, living fully every single second. Nothing to add and nothing to take away. There is only peace, stillness, gratitude and acceptance of the cosmic order of things.
Everything is how it has to be and I wouldn't change a thing.
Our practice gives us the ability to live our emotions fully without holding anything back. When sadness comes, that's all there is. When acceptance comes, that's all there is.
But when joy comes, that's all there is. Joy and peace to know how precious this moment is regardless of whatever words you use to describe it.
Right now the sun shines in a perfect blue sky, I am typing this and there is still some water in my glass. This is all there is and it's the brightest of gems.
Thank you all for your metta and practice.
Gassho,
Kyonin
I am typing this with a smile in my face. There is sadness in me, of course. But at the same time I am happy she is no longer suffering. I got the precious chance to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to thank her for all she did for me, that she did a good job with me and my sister.
And the last thing I said to her was that I finally got to see my daughter, whom I had to stop seeing for 20 years. Even being at her weakest and with no energy to move anymore, she drew a tiny smile at this.
The next day her pulse and breathing were so faint that the doctors and nurses began all the procedures for the departing. At 3:25 PM, she died. After that, life became a blur because of the speed of things.
My sister was with her. She called me, I told my dad and we went to the hospital.
My dad cried a lot. And with a good reason. His companion of 48 years had died.
We did all the paperwork needed and began the process to send her body for cremation. We agreed on having no funeral service and to keep it all intimate and simple. Just the three of us. We also decided no to tell anyone untie we all were ready to give the news to the family.
We went home to sleep (sort of) and the next day (Saturday) we went to pick up her ashes, which my sister will take to her home town of Mazatlán up in the north.
Later we went to have dinner to a nice place and we laughed, we talked a lot and closed the day with smiles, hugs and kisses.
There is sadness in me, but I'm not suffering. There is no drama, no expectations and no "what ifs". I haven't cried yet, but if tears come, I'll let them flow gladly. But the thing is I am actually in a very good mood.
Zazen and reading Master Dogen's Shoji and chanting Hannya Shingyo everyday have given me a solid ground to stand, living fully every single second. Nothing to add and nothing to take away. There is only peace, stillness, gratitude and acceptance of the cosmic order of things.
Everything is how it has to be and I wouldn't change a thing.
Our practice gives us the ability to live our emotions fully without holding anything back. When sadness comes, that's all there is. When acceptance comes, that's all there is.
But when joy comes, that's all there is. Joy and peace to know how precious this moment is regardless of whatever words you use to describe it.
Right now the sun shines in a perfect blue sky, I am typing this and there is still some water in my glass. This is all there is and it's the brightest of gems.
Thank you all for your metta and practice.
Gassho,
Kyonin
Comment