Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

[Yugen]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Everyone,
I would like you to know your words of support and wisdom really mean more than can be expressed via a keyboard.

Each one of you has offered a thought or experience I would like to respond to individually but unfortunately cannot this morning. We are getting ready to leave and there are five hundred things that have to be done... our three boys will be staying with their grandmother.

Jundo is right - there are some fundamental truths to be learned - I hate to apply that old cliche: "this will be a learning experience."

I hate to sound corny, but I feel that I am not alone and that you all are standing with me. It is remarkable. This really is a lot about my fear speaking to me, and my exposure to change in life. What an opportunity to practice.

I will write back when I have an internet signal and update you all.

Thank you, and a deep gassho,
Alex

[Alberto]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

good luck to you both

[Shindo]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Dear Alex
you are not alone & my heart goes out to you and your family at this time. The only advice I can give is to surrender to the experience and go with the flow. On a practical level these websites may be useful for the knee replacement:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Knee-repla ... sktab.aspx
http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/ar ... icleId=501

I do hope that Tam has an uneventful recovery. As for the threat of uterine cancer - I am so sorry, again on a practical level this website may be of use:
http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=4655
It's the website that I used when I was diagnosed with bowel cancer and gives good balanced advice.

I know that you are going through a roller-coaster of emotions at the moment and you have been kind enough to e-mail me over the last few months as I approached the second anniversary of my diagnosis, surgery and chemotherapy. As I came to terms with my prognosis (which has risen from 30:70 to 60:40 surviving to 5 years)I cried every day for 6 months. Over the last two months I became tearful again, emotional & thinking sad thought anout my wife & kids. What can I say - its perfectly natural when faced with such potential bad news to react this way. It is what it is - if you can use it to bring balance to your life and for a brief while, put all those petty irritations into perspective, so much the better.
If I can help - let me know.

Kindest regards

Jools

[Yugen]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Jools,
Thank you for the information and wishes. The support of everyone here has helped tremendously. You are spot on about the emotions - I have been crying every day at completely unexpected times... we'll get through it and I will check in and ask for help. I will do my best to surrender to the experience and derive the practice from it that I can... I know the hardest time to sit is when one least feels it - and that is precisely the time to do so...

In fellowship,
Alex

[Kent]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Alex, hope all is well. Gassho Kent

[undeceivable]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

You're both lucky to have each other and you've somehow made the un-ideal seem ideal.
Hope everything goes well. You've entered my thoughts too.

Undeceivable

[Yugen]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Everyone,
Tam had her surgery late Tuesday. The procedure went as expected and the surgeon was pleased with the outcome. We are in the hospital until tomorrow (Friday) or Saturday as Tam works with Physical Therapy to get around safely before we return home. She is experiencing the usual postoperative pain. It doesn't help that she was trained by Russian ballet teachers - the attitude towards pain is "suck it up", and I have observed her tremble as she attempts to deal with the postsurgical pain by breathing and focusing. Like me, she finds it hard o ask for help or say she cannot manage something.

I have reflected carefully on your posts as well as the fear and emotion I was experiencing prior to her surgery. A primary feature I think was fear of loss > fear of change > recognition that things will not be the same > recognition that we age > demonstration of vulnerability > things will not stay the way I want them to. I have always been change averse, and the dichotomy in my life (when I believed in dichotomy; before nonduality - Thanks Ryokan and Jundo :shock: ) was that my professional life was characterized by constant change and instability, while I would cling to routine and "stratight and level" in my home life. I have recognized rationally and find appealing intellectually the notion that constant change is a central feature of Zen, Chan Buddhist, and Taoist philosophy. To experience it firsthand, to respond to its challenge is another matter entirely. It speaks to how I rely upon/lean upon/count upon/dump my emotional baggage upon people close to me in my life - in healthy as well as unhealthy ways. I must admit to you that I have realized that as long as someone close to you is there and provides an object for your resentments (real or imagined), I am able to justify anger or resentful behavior based upon the perceived lack of consideration of others for my efforts (the notion of a self which is taken advantage of). The moment I saw Tam vulnerable, in pain, and in need of support, I realized that with the (convenient) object of my resentment not available, I was left to confront my emotions alone. They were mine to embrace, and understand that it was entirely up to me to make a decision as to how to relate to them. I could objectify and personalize them, or treat them as clouds passing across the sky. When these emotions and resentments had nowhere to go, but to ground like lightning, they were stripped of their power.

The three hours I spent alone waiting for news of Tam's surgery allowed me to be alone with these resentments / old behaviors, and make some decisions about them.

I am grateful that I am able to be with this woman, who has chosen to be with me, so I can do whatever I can to make her recovery easier. This is the woman I have chosen to be with. The resentments I have held are creations of my own mind, they are my responsibility, they have no basis in reality, and I choose whether or not to give them life. For years I allowed them to dominate the landscape of my mind, and I crossed that landscape by passing through all sorts of crazy places and behaviors that hurt me and those that love me. Today is all I have in this life, in my relationship with Tam and my kids, and the actions I take today, the words I utter and the thoughts that cross the blue sky of my mind will set the stage for tomorrow. I cannot ask for anything more. And I am more than absolutely OK with that. Buddhism

Seeing Tam vulnerable has allowed me to be alone with my emotions and choices. I have given my stormy emotions far too much substance and credibility in my own life - I am reminded of the Platform Sutra and HuiNeng's composition: "From the beginning not a single thing exists: where can the dust settle?" It is amazing how much power we can give to things that in reality do not exist; but we make them existent through our actions and choices (as well as choices which lead to non-action).

What I was afraid of losing was the way things were. My struggle to keep them so was in direct contravention of the way. I am going to get out of my own way. I'm not all that important. And it is a relief not to be the center of the drama.

We will move on to face the other health issues in time, and we will act accordingly when the time comes.

Thank you for all your support and for listening. I'll keep you all updated. Sorry for the ramble. I needed to work this through.

With a deep bow,
Alex

[Dosho]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Alex,

I am new here so I haven't seen any of your previous posts, but I found your perspective on what you just experienced to be very heartfelt and wise. I wish you both the best.

Gassho,
Scott

[Dainin]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Hi Alex,

I am very glad Tam's surgery went well. You all must be pretty tired.

Please remember that it's pefectly okay to feel what you're feeling. Yeah, there may be nowhere for the dust to settle, but when you're in pain, you're in pain, when you're in love, you're in love, and when you see a loved one suffer, you suffer too. Feel it, then move on. No mystery in that.

My best to you and your family,
Keith

[Yugen]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Scott,
Welcome to Treeleaf and I am glad to meet you. Thanks for your support. I look forward to practicing with you.

Keith,
Spot on. "Feel it and move on." Your words are exactly right. Thanks for your support.

Gassho,
Alex

[Shindo]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Hi Alex

thanks for keeping us in the picture. I hope all continues to go well for you & Tam. I am going to remind you of that quote you liked a few months ago:

Be loving, kind and compassionate; focus your mind clearly in the present, hone it and hammer it until it is as dense as an anvil to develop mental equanimity; take great joy in your accomplishments and especially in those of others. Be present, be present, be present and be present

You will have plenty of practice over the next few months - so keep honing, hamering and sitting.

Kindest regards

Jools

[TracyF]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Wow, so sorry I missed this earlier, Alex.

I wish the very best for you and Tam. I'm so glad to see she made it through the surgery. You're both resilient and brave. Just keep moving along knowing that we're all there with you. And, really, thanks for letting us share this with you. I hope it does help you to know that you're not alone.

[Yugen]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Tracy and Julian,
Thanks for your companionship. We are home now, and I will paste Julian's quote on my forehead :wink: . It is exactly appropriate.

Thinking of my friends here at Treeleaf, I am indeed not alone.

Gassho,
Alex

[Dojin]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Alex, i hope you and Your wife Tam are doing alright.

it took me some time to read everything you wrote but i did.
your words and feelings resonated with me on a very deep emotional level.
about 4 month ago i lost my dog, she lived with me for most of my life... she was 14 years old ( the fact that my brother turned 13 not to long ago makes it clear how long has she been in the family ).
i know it is not the same thing for most people. but my dog was really part of the family, it really hurts to this day...

the only thing i could offer you is what someone already said , tell her what you really feel.
but i also think that show her that everyday. and i dont mean be around her 24/7, i mean never forget what you learned this day... and know to enjoy each and every moment you have with her, whether by her side or not....

having said that, i hope you are both doing well. my thoughts are with you, as i am sure goes for everybody here.

[Yugen]

Re: Love and the Velveteen Rabbit

Daniel,
Thanks for your post and words of support.

i dont mean be around her 24/7, i mean never forget what you learned this day... and know to enjoy each and every moment you have with her, whether by her side or not....

We have had Labrador Retrievers ever since we have been together. We had to put our first one down at age 10 due to prostate cancer - we lost a member of our family that day - the lab we have now is eight years old - how time flies - he is a great friend - we are doing our best to care for him so he will be with us as long as possible. But we aren't in charge of those things - which brings us back to your words - enjoy each and every moment you have with those you love, whether by their side or not -

We are turning a corner I think. Tam is getting around much better and going off pain meds today. Now we face a biopsy late next week - one day at a time.

Thank you again.

Gassho,
Alex