Hi folks,
I've been away for a couple of months but kept you all in my heart throughout.
I wanted to fill in the blanks a little bit to explain why I went away, what happened during that time and what I've discovered since coming back to regular Zen Practice.
So we had to euthanize our dog a few months ago.
I have three sons and they took it pretty hard as did my wife and I.
Our dog was 12 years old and 100 pounds so it was a big loss both literally and metaphorically.
It threw me for a loop.
I fell off the map and focused on what I needed to do and wasn't able to get away to the city to meet up with the Jundo and the other sangha members when they were in San Francisco.
Kinda felt like a huge flake and a failure there since it's not like I get Zen teachers dropping by every week, you know?
Sorry, Jundo; I let you down. And I really wanted to meet you in person too.
There were a few other issues going on as well (business, taxes, a new side job...) but that's neither here nor there.
The point is I wasn't sleeping very well and I pretty much dropped zazen for a week to catch up on my rest.
Sleeping in the extra 30-45 minutes makes a difference when you're pushing your limits. And I was.
A week became a month, a month became 2...
I remember reading something Brad Warner wrote where someone asked him how they would know if zazen was "making a difference".
Now, funny thing about zazen practice is that if you're doing it to "make a difference" then you're doing it "wrong".
I know this first hand as many years ago when I first started sitting I was going at it like it was a workout routine: all guns blazing on my way to becoming a "better person".
And needless to say I hit a wall and got tired of not "seeing results" and so I quit for a time. This is what they mean by "attainment mindset".
Anyway, Brad answered the question by saying that if you didn't believe zazen was "doing anything" you should stop and see how you feel and then re-start and see how you feel.
Good advice; I thought I would take it.
So I used my failure to practice AS my practice. B-)
(Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my sloth; who knows?)
Anyway at first there weren't any noticeable changes so I started wondering: "why did I bother with all that meditation if there wasn't any benefit?
And then I'd chide myself by acknowledging that I wasn't supposed to be practicing for "gains" because that was what got me burnt out the first time around.
So I yo-yo'ed back and forth like that for a while. Why bother? Why practice if there's no "point"?
Humans need "traction" and we like to analyze our efforts with a cost-benefit ratio.
If we don't get a sufficient return on our investment we feel cheated. It's basic psychology.
Zazen, however, is precisely zazen. It's the one thing I do that isn't for gain or fame or profit or "self improvement".
It's the only time I can just let go of all that and just BE, unjudged, un-judging, not going forward, not going backwards, not gaining, not losing.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't make a difference.
And that brings me back to where I'm at currently.
So I tried sitting again. At first it was rough.
I would sit for 5 minutes thinking it was 30 and then look at the clock and think "dammit!"
But I got back on the bandwagon and I'm doing 20 minutes daily and last night I threw in an evening sit just for kicks.
I even sat in the online Zendo again but didn't see anyone there...
And guess what?
NOW I'm noticing a difference. Not when I was doing it before. Not when I stopped doing it, but NOW, after having stopped and started again.
And I think it has something to do with contrast.
There's a lot of discussion in Zen and Buddhism in general about "non-dualistic thinking".
I see a lot of that going on in the world today.
You're either a liberal or a conservative, a Republican or a Democrat, you like Coke or you like Pepsi...
Either you agree with the football players who kneel for racial injustice or you agree with the patriots who feel you need to stand for the national anthem.
Only one opinion to a customer please! We can't have you acting all wishy-washy and trying to see both sides!
That would throw off our neat, little schema of the world and then there'd be chaos and confusion and we can't have that, right?
But differences are important too.
Black is important. White is important. The comparison between the two is important and when you rub them together in a greasy, grey mess THAT'S important too.
How do you see/not-see at the same time?
How can you perceive everything at once and nothing in particular?
Yep, you guessed it. Zazen.
So anyway, I'm "back". But I never left.
No different than before but also better off.
Gassho,
Hoko
Sat today
LAH
I've been away for a couple of months but kept you all in my heart throughout.
I wanted to fill in the blanks a little bit to explain why I went away, what happened during that time and what I've discovered since coming back to regular Zen Practice.
So we had to euthanize our dog a few months ago.
I have three sons and they took it pretty hard as did my wife and I.
Our dog was 12 years old and 100 pounds so it was a big loss both literally and metaphorically.
It threw me for a loop.
I fell off the map and focused on what I needed to do and wasn't able to get away to the city to meet up with the Jundo and the other sangha members when they were in San Francisco.
Kinda felt like a huge flake and a failure there since it's not like I get Zen teachers dropping by every week, you know?
Sorry, Jundo; I let you down. And I really wanted to meet you in person too.
There were a few other issues going on as well (business, taxes, a new side job...) but that's neither here nor there.
The point is I wasn't sleeping very well and I pretty much dropped zazen for a week to catch up on my rest.
Sleeping in the extra 30-45 minutes makes a difference when you're pushing your limits. And I was.
A week became a month, a month became 2...
I remember reading something Brad Warner wrote where someone asked him how they would know if zazen was "making a difference".
Now, funny thing about zazen practice is that if you're doing it to "make a difference" then you're doing it "wrong".
I know this first hand as many years ago when I first started sitting I was going at it like it was a workout routine: all guns blazing on my way to becoming a "better person".
And needless to say I hit a wall and got tired of not "seeing results" and so I quit for a time. This is what they mean by "attainment mindset".
Anyway, Brad answered the question by saying that if you didn't believe zazen was "doing anything" you should stop and see how you feel and then re-start and see how you feel.
Good advice; I thought I would take it.
So I used my failure to practice AS my practice. B-)
(Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my sloth; who knows?)
Anyway at first there weren't any noticeable changes so I started wondering: "why did I bother with all that meditation if there wasn't any benefit?
And then I'd chide myself by acknowledging that I wasn't supposed to be practicing for "gains" because that was what got me burnt out the first time around.
So I yo-yo'ed back and forth like that for a while. Why bother? Why practice if there's no "point"?
Humans need "traction" and we like to analyze our efforts with a cost-benefit ratio.
If we don't get a sufficient return on our investment we feel cheated. It's basic psychology.
Zazen, however, is precisely zazen. It's the one thing I do that isn't for gain or fame or profit or "self improvement".
It's the only time I can just let go of all that and just BE, unjudged, un-judging, not going forward, not going backwards, not gaining, not losing.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't make a difference.
And that brings me back to where I'm at currently.
So I tried sitting again. At first it was rough.
I would sit for 5 minutes thinking it was 30 and then look at the clock and think "dammit!"
But I got back on the bandwagon and I'm doing 20 minutes daily and last night I threw in an evening sit just for kicks.
I even sat in the online Zendo again but didn't see anyone there...
And guess what?
NOW I'm noticing a difference. Not when I was doing it before. Not when I stopped doing it, but NOW, after having stopped and started again.
And I think it has something to do with contrast.
There's a lot of discussion in Zen and Buddhism in general about "non-dualistic thinking".
I see a lot of that going on in the world today.
You're either a liberal or a conservative, a Republican or a Democrat, you like Coke or you like Pepsi...
Either you agree with the football players who kneel for racial injustice or you agree with the patriots who feel you need to stand for the national anthem.
Only one opinion to a customer please! We can't have you acting all wishy-washy and trying to see both sides!
That would throw off our neat, little schema of the world and then there'd be chaos and confusion and we can't have that, right?
But differences are important too.
Black is important. White is important. The comparison between the two is important and when you rub them together in a greasy, grey mess THAT'S important too.
How do you see/not-see at the same time?
How can you perceive everything at once and nothing in particular?
Yep, you guessed it. Zazen.
So anyway, I'm "back". But I never left.
No different than before but also better off.
Gassho,
Hoko
Sat today
LAH
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