Split thread: Handling strong emotions

[Jakuden]

So sorry Jika, what a painful situation. What good advice from everyone here. It certainly doesn't seem like anything in Zen would require you to permit abuse from others, if anything, it would be interfering with their own path of growth and perpetuating the bad habits that cause their own suffering. It sounds like your anger was carrying an important message for you this time, perhaps that it was time for you to take care of yourself by letting go of a toxic relationship?

There is so much pain in the expectations we have of each other. I had to back off from some close family relationships in college to regain some sense of worth. It probably saved my life. It is only now that I can understand the viewpoint from the other side a bit better, as I wrestle with myself not to project my own expectations onto my children. It is difficult!

We are here for you and always sitting with you, for what there is in Zen is truth! I'd be willing to bet that there isn't one of us here who hasn't had an emotional outburst in response to family pressures. If it's one thing this practice has taught me, it's that I'm not above anyone or anything--it's a daily repentance, just like we were discussing in the reading last week. Whatever you choose to do regarding your unkind relatives, I hope you will be kind to yourself!

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

[Joyo]

The rest have expressed the wish never to see me again and that I'm dead to them, so no use there.

Gassho
Jika
#sattoday

I know this is very hurtful. I am pretty much dead to my brother, my inlaws also. But I have to say, sometimes it makes me laugh, as in like.....thank you for ignoring me, if you think you are punishing me think again, I don't want such nasty, hateful people in my life anyways.

I"m the "evil, Satanic" Buddhist who has pulled their son away from fundamental Christianity and is raising their grandchildren to be tolerant towards all religions. I joke that I should grow horns and carry a pitch fork. =)

Hugs Jika, the hurt never goes away, but you do learn how to not let these people get to you as time goes on.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today/lah

[Tai Shi]

Well Jika, and all,

I get angry when I'm, made fun of because of my mental illness, and or my arthritis. Have you ever been told by a store manager that you will lose your job if you do not start picking up those heavy crates--I was hired with the full knowledge of my arthritis. OR my mental illness. There are laws... but the laws don't help in an individual situation, and there are not laws. NON=tenure laws in the state of Illinois--look them up, non-tenured faculty have no protection from job insecurity. Try to raise a family when the laws just do not apply. This makes me angry--outright insensitivity and what else? Please Listen to Jakuden. I was forced to give up those jobs, and it's only now that I see that the college was a slave driving paper-mill, and I made no money, after figuring in my gas, at the retail which was not doing my arthritis any good. Things are so much better now away from those means of livelihood.

Tai Shi
std (What would Gandhi do?)
Gassho

[Suuko]

Hello guys and girls !

Was reading the dhammapada today, and there is a lot of stuff about control. "The sage controls his body, controls his thoughts, controls his emotions", says the Buddha, or something like that. Isn't it contradictory with what zen teachers advise, for example Suzuki roshi when he says that you have to let your thoughts roam freely without trying to control them, and the bigger space you give them, the better ?

Kind of puzzled by this question of controlling / not controlling. In my own practice, dropping all control seems to be the best way to handle strong emotions. Of course, it is not dropping all control, since i stay on my cushion, sitting straight up, and i'm not running around screaming. So i guess the answer is kind of zenny, like, dropping all control inside of total control.

Special metta to Jika,

Gassho,
Uggydoo,
Sat today,
LAH

Greetings,

Well everything is in control when you loosen your grip on them. If you hold sand in your hands and try to squeeze it, it'll run out of your hands. If you love someone and try to control and get attached too much, love dies. In Zazen, you have a balance. The back should be straight and you should be still but you also let go. It's about having the balance. This is what Buddha found. If the string of the guitar is too tight, it won't play music. If it's too soft, it won't play music. The middle way is the path.

Gassho,
Geerish.
ST.

[Tairin]

People do change. Maybe don't give up but give some space

18 years ago just before I got married for reasons I don't fully understand my brother decided he didn't want anything to do with either me or my wife. He decided he wouldn't come to the wedding and pretty much was incommunicado for years afterward. He missed the birth of my son and refused to be acknowledged as an uncle. One of his last words to me was "just because we are related doesn't mean we have to be friends". It was so bad I just assumed I wouldn't have anything to do with him going forward. Then about 5 years ago he became a born again Christian and suddenly was open to being involved in the family. He now accepts being an uncle and has even tried to find common ground with my son. He is quite friendly with my wife now. What change? Well clearly religion although we've never talked about the intervening 13 years.

Through that time I just gave him space and got on with my life.

Not the same situation as Jika's but my point is that people do change. Just get on with your life and give some space. Sounds like you could use the space.

Gassho
Warren
Sat today

[Tai Shi]

I'm only now finding out what it means to have stings severed as an aging man, certainly not my wife, but another, one who is in constant pain. I feel loss and regret, and I do not feel fear and anger. When was it that fear and anger stalked me? I was a small boy, then as an adult about twenty years ago I lost my mom to cancer, and over about six years, I watched her die. I went numb, and all my emotions stuffed inside, Then about 7 years ago, I began working wit a special therapist, and he was a man. I am a man too, of course. We went thorough interesting times looking over my wife's mother passing, and this brought up all those stuffed feelings. One night I closed the door to our bedroom, curled up around a pillow, and began to cry, I cried, and I moaned, "My poor mother, oh my poor mother." Over and over the chant and moans and tears. I cried for more than an hour! I soaked the pillow through with tears. Now when I think of this time, and all those missed "I love yous" I cry. And, the tears are nothing like that time in our bedroom. My wife knew nothing about this for more than five years. But, now Know it's alright to cry when someone dies, or with separation, or with intense pain; pain comes in many forms, and it's alright to cry when I'm in pain. And, separation is part of living, for nothing lasts forever, not even me. It's even alright to cry over me when I hurt in any way, so soak your pillow, go to sleep, and rise the next day to a different world. Make that world different. Let yourself make your own way, a way your own. Maybe forget some of the pain.

Tai Shi
st, lah
Gassho

[Jundo]

Over and over the chant and moans and tears. I cried for more than an hour! I soaked the pillow through with tears. Now when I think of this time, and all those missed "I love yous" I cry. And, the tears are nothing like that time in our bedroom. My wife knew nothing about this for more than five years. But, now Know it's alright to cry when someone dies, or with separation, or with intense pain; pain comes in many forms, and it's alright to cry when I'm in pain. And, separation is part of living, for nothing lasts forever, not even me. It's even alright to cry over me when I hurt in any way, so soak your pillow, go to sleep, and rise the next day to a different world. Make that world different. Let yourself make your own way, a way your own. Maybe forget some of the pain.

Your tears even now merge into the ocean, which is the whole world, which is what your mother now is. It is not too late.

Gassho, J

SatTodayLAH