Some Thoughts on Encountering Difficulties in My Practice

[Taiji]

Apologies and gratitude in advance for enduring the long-winded post.

Lately, life's been very busy and stressful for me, so it's probably not a shock that my practice has also been a little bumpy. I've been grumpy, cagey, anxious, feeling less and less like I can "afford" to sit...stuff like that. I say this not to solicit pity, but because I imagine I can't be the only one who's ever dealt with this, and I'd be very grateful for thoughts or guidance.

I've found myself feeling burned out and tired, and it has felt like whatever equanimity I am able to muster is substantially diminished. When things started piling on here, both at work and at home, I felt myself feeling progressively more "lost." In retrospect, it would have been more constructive to reach out, but I struggle with asking for help, so I decided I would just push on through it.

This wasn't helpful in the way I hoped.

As I got more worn down, I noticed myself mindlessly escaping in spare moments to hide from my stress. Unsurprisingly, my practice has gotten somewhat anemic as a consequence. I've told myself it was all for a purpose, hoping to recover enough of my stamina to actually "get back to normal," whatever that means. I totally promised myself that as soon as I could manage that, stuff like practice and community involvement would "get back to normal," too.

And of course, this hasn't been helpful in the way I hoped, either.

It occurs to me that, in response to the chaos, I've just fallen back into that fundamental suffering-state of chasing some kind of way to make everything "okay" again, and to make it last forever. But there is no objective, permanent "okay" state. All the futile chasing just adds to the stress, meaning I'm making a not-insubstantial number of my own problems.

From a self-pity perspective, that seems like a ripe opportunity for an awful lot of wallowing in my own misery and making a real drama out of it. From a practice perspective, though, about the most effective thing I can come up with to do is just sort of...file it away as an experience, put down the burden, reset, and start again.

If anyone has thoughts to share, I'd be very grateful.

Gassho,
Taiji
Sat/LAH Today

[Jundo]

More "Insta-Zazen" ... dancing, sitting, walking or standing on your head ... all through life circumstances ... check out my film ...

It is okay to reduce formal seated Zazen time if you add plentiful amounts of "Insta-Zazen." You can get back to seated Zazen more when you feel up to it. Maybe I am a Soto heretic for saying that, but if someone does "Insta-Zazen" 5 or 10 times a day, it can be more powerful than formal sitting. In fact, it is traditional, because sitting Zazen was only part of a monk's day, and the monk was supposed to bring Zazen mind "off the cushion" to other aspects of life, human relations, etc.

https://forum.treeleaf.org/forum/treeleaf/the-beginner-s-place/a-series-of-talks-for-new-folks/9653-sit-a-long-with-jundo-zazen-for-beginners-13

.

Now, like you say, we cannot make Samsara always "okay." Yes, we can know the "Great Okay" of "Big Mind," which shines through Samsara, but sometimes Samsara still sucks lemons.

But it is okay to be honest about whether something else is going on in your life that really deserves attention. We don't use Zazen for so-called "spiritual bypassing." So, maybe your job is really too much, or your love life needs some improvement, or the politics of the world have you down ... etc. etc. Maybe you need to be honest about that, or something like that, as the reason for your feeling, and not expect Zazen to fix it all. Got my point? If you have a thorn in your toe, you need to remove the thorn from your toe ... not expecting Zazen to let you completely accept and enjoy the thorn!

Zen folks learn to avoid both extremes: Neither wallow in your problems, becoming a prisoner of your problems, mentally stirring up and magnifying your problems ... BUT ALSO ... neither ignore your problems, especially if something needs fixing.

So, consider that.

Gassho, Jundo
stlah

[Taiji]

Thank you, Jundo.

I'm grateful for your guidance, and I will consider it all thoroughly.

Gassho,
Taiji
Sat/LAH Today

[Bion]

Tai, do not beat yourself up about it. You are skillfully observing something that's happening and seeing why it is not beneficial. The thing is to do something about it, starting right now.

Our sitting practice can be quite fragile, as you're discovering, because the mind looks for distraction when it gets overwhelmed. I think the fact that you're writing what you are writing is already a sign that you're not just mindlessly going along with it, but rather, alarms are going off in your mind. So, pay them attention.

If sitting practice is your concern, why not set 3 reminders throughout your day and aim at sitting for 5 or ten minutes whenever the first alarm goes off? If that's impossible, you still get two more chances until the day is over. Also, do not make sitting something mechanical. It is not locked into one posture, one place, one way...

Sitting can be like resting. For a little while, simply rest from fighting the chaos and stress and from the cageiness, restlessness, and anxiety.

Thanks for chasing with us, Tai!

gassho
sat lah

[Taiji]

Thank you, Bion.

You mentioned alarm bells, and that's a very accurate way to describe what I've been experiencing, I think. I'll catch myself embroiled in a doomscroll, for example, or feeling a desire to go looking for a quick little hit of dopamine (shop, snack, etc.) and then feel that uneasy feeling: Wait, why am I even doing this? This isn't going to actually fix anything. That leads to a fresh wave of discomfort, too, because I'm reminded that the Samsara game is inherently rigged. "The only winning move is not to play," so to speak.

Another place I've felt those alarm bells is when I catch a little glimpse at how I harm others and myself through ignorance, and how I've done this in the past. That's very uncomfortable, and it almost always has an impulse attached to it to want to find some way to "fix" that harm—but not in a meaningful way, more in a way that prioritizes making my discomfort with the realization go away. Since I tend to see this more when I practice diligently, I suspect it's made me a little gunshy of practice.

I'm not sure that makes any sense, but I think it's part of the mix.

Gassho,
Taiji
Sat/LAH Today

[Bion]

Thank you, Bion.

You mentioned alarm bells, and that's a very accurate way to describe what I've been experiencing, I think. I'll catch myself embroiled in a doomscroll, for example, or feeling a desire to go looking for a quick little hit of dopamine (shop, snack, etc.) and then feel that uneasy feeling: Wait, why am I even doing this? This isn't going to actually fix anything. That leads to a fresh wave of discomfort, too, because I'm reminded that the Samsara game is inherently rigged. "The only winning move is not to play," so to speak.

Another place I've felt those alarm bells is when I catch a little glimpse at how I harm others and myself through ignorance, and how I've done this in the past. That's very uncomfortable, and it almost always has an impulse attached to it to want to find some way to "fix" that harm—but not in a meaningful way, more in a way that prioritizes making my discomfort with the realization go away. Since I tend to see this more when I practice diligently, I suspect it's made me a little gunshy of practice.

I'm not sure that makes any sense, but I think it's part of the mix.

Gassho,
Taiji
Sat/LAH Today

That's some great insight, Tai! Use it!

gassho
sat lah

[Chikyou]

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but when I have times like this I have learned to just accept it (while changing that which can be changed and must be changed. Obviously if the roof is leaking don’t just accept the water and mold, fix it.) I realize that there are times when I will sit with distractions and monkey mind running rampant- sometimes every day for weeks. It used to distress me but it doesn’t anymore. I just see it as the monkeys sitting zazen (in their own special way lol) with me. It will pass eventually, it always does. Practice with practice not being perfect.

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

[Taiji]

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but when I have times like this I have learned to just accept it (while changing that which can be changed and must be changed. Obviously if the roof is leaking don’t just accept the water and mold, fix it.) I realize that there are times when I will sit with distractions and monkey mind running rampant- sometimes every day for weeks. It used to distress me but it doesn’t anymore. I just see it as the monkeys sitting zazen (in their own special way lol) with me. It will pass eventually, it always does. Practice with practice not being perfect.

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

Thank you! It's all very helpful, and I'm grateful.

Gassho,
Taiji
Sat/LAH Today

[Shui_Di]

Hi Taiji,

I also has the experience like you, when life is so mess up. But what I learn from Zazen, that it is not making things to be "normal" or "okay" again. Since everything is beyond okay or not okay. Okay and not okay, normal or not normal is just the mind making definition.

So problems is okay. No problem is okay too. I just sit with them. When I hug my problem, problem become my friends. When I try to reset thing and avoid problem, problem become enemy. The problem become more problematic.

So when I am happy, I sit with happiness. When sadness come, I sit with my sadness. Like the blue mountain with the clouds. Black cloud and white cloud come and go. But here in Zazen, and here the ONE who read THIS, is the blue.mountain.

Gassho, Mujo
Stlah

[Taiji]

Hi Taiji,

I also has the experience like you, when life is so mess up. But what I learn from Zazen, that it is not making things to be "normal" or "okay" again. Since everything is beyond okay or not okay. Okay and not okay, normal or not normal is just the mind making definition.

So problems is okay. No problem is okay too. I just sit with them. When I hug my problem, problem become my friends. When I try to reset thing and avoid problem, problem become enemy. The problem become more problematic.

So when I am happy, I sit with happiness. When sadness come, I sit with my sadness. Like the blue mountain with the clouds. Black cloud and white cloud come and go. But here in Zazen, and here the ONE who read THIS, is the blue.mountain.

Gassho, Mujo
Stlah

Hi, Mujo,

Thank you very much for this.

Gassho,
Taiji
Sat/LAH Today