When the Hand of Thought Feels Like a Fist

[Vic]

Hello, All,

One thing that has begun to stand out to me as I sit regularly in a way that I have not before is that, both on the cushion and off, there are times when it is easy to "open the hand of thought" and let whatever is going on in my big blob of electric head fat drift away easily. Other times (most times), this is only very tenuously successful, and an ongoing dance ensues in which I grab onto something, realize what I've done, and release it, only to eventually grab something else. But there are those other times when the hand of thought feels like a fist, or a deathgrip on something, and I simply cannot find a way to make it budge. I imagine everyone experiences this, but because I'm new at so much of this, it's a new experience for me. Last night was a good example, as I was dealing with medical anxiety that bloomed into a panic attack despite my knowing that I could do nothing about the situation in question, not even call the doctor to ask about it, until morning. It wasn't an Urgent-Care- or ER-worthy event. It wasn't even any event. It was just the panic induced by the not-knowing and the horror movies my brain likes to make for itself to fill the gaps.

No amount of gentle nudging would dislodge it, nor would any fitful attempts at plan-making that bubbled up at a rolling boil ("Okay, first thing tomorrow, what I'll do is..."). Even reminding myself to release it did nothing. And doing nothing did nothing. Eventually, I just got up and went on to bed with the storm still brewing and spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, and at some point I must have just been too tired to keep freaking out about it, because I fell asleep. I don't say any of that to solicit pity or worry, but rather to just describe the weird unbreakable loop I was caught in, despite knowing I was stuck in a loop.

What I wonder, and what I hope folks might share their insight on, is this: In such cases, does it run counter to the idea of zazen having no goals to try to wrestle with that particular beast? What way of dealing with it would be the most natural, dharma-appropriate way to deal with it? My suspicion is that it's simply to exist in that state for as long as it persists, allowing it to eventually dissipate on its own, but that also feels somehow wrong.

I look forward to others' perspectives, as I know this won't be the last time I deal with such feelings.

Gassho,
Vic
Sat/LAH Today

[Jundo]

Hi Vic,

First, it is vital to realize the wise-but-counterintuitive nature of Shikanataza: There are NO bad days of Shikantaza, including the bad days. By that I mean that clear days are just clear, cloudy days cloudy, and even stormy days just stormy when the heart judges so. So, whether open hand, or death grip day, it is all good Zazen, like changing weather. The reason is that Shikantaza is medicine for our need to change, fix, achieve and "do something right" .... including the "open hand of thought."

If you are SOMETIMES experiencing "open hand of thought," disentangled from thoughts and emotions, feeling "clear" and quiet ... that is great! It does not need to be every time. Not every day needs to be clear sky and sunny. I bet that, with practice, this becomes more and more ... but it does does have to be every time, or even most times.

But what about the storm time, even "panic attack?" There are a few things you can do.

Really really, center on the breath as it enters and exits. Pour yourself into that. Put anything else out of mind. It is an anchor to hold on to.

If you need a bigger anchor, you can count breaths to 10 (although I do not care for this so much, but it might help), take a mantra sound (it need not mean anything, and can even be a moan when in pain), or a meaningful short and comforting phrase of your own choosing, and focus and pour yourself into that.

Some folks might even focus on an image of Buddha or a Bodhisattva in their mind, as if offering a helping hand. (Or Jesus, if of such belief and that is what gets you through the night.)

Master Keizan, the Soto Zen founding ancestor, says this, but it is just a traditional Zen way of using some kind of Mantra or focus anchor temporarily. It is vital to remember that these are all temporary measures to anchor in a storm until true equanimious Shikantaza can resume ...

If your mind is disturbed, rest it on the tip of the nose or below the navel and count your inhaled and exhaled breath. If your mind still is not calm, take a Koan and concentrate on it. For example consider these non-taste the stories: Who is this that comes before me? (Hui-neng); Does a dog have Buddha nature? (Chao-chou); Yun men's Mt Sumeru and Chao-chou's oak tree in the garden. These are available applications. If your mind is still disturbed, sit and concentrate on the moment your breath has stopped and both eyes have closed forever, or on the unborn state in your mother's womb or before one thought arises. If you do this, the two Sunyatas (non-ego) will emerge, and the disturbed mind will be put at rests.

If none of that works ... the final option is TRUST AND FAITH! Yes, I mean that literally. You must trust that the sky is always clear, boundless, open, blue even when hidden by the fiercest storms. I once sat Zazen during a hurricane, and I sensed that, for all the wind and rain ... the sky was still light and open beyond the clouds. This weather will pass.
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Remind yourself that this is a just your momentary "mind theatre," a passing show. It is your mind playing games, and it need not rain and thunder always. If you have nothing but trust and faith that that is so, even though you are not seeing and experiencing so right now ... that trust and faith that the sky is still there is enough. The next time, when the clear sky returns and you can experience it again, you will taste that your faith was justified.


If you can, even accept, embrace, allow, and go with the flow of your "panic attack." Let the panic just panic. It is a very different experience from having a panic attack while buying in to what it is selling or resisting the attack.

Try that.

Gassho, Jundo
stlah
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[Seiko]

"I simply cannot find a way to make it budge" ...

"anxiety that bloomed into a panic attack" ...

"No amount of gentle nudging would dislodge it, nor would any fitful attempts at plan-making"

Hi Vic,
I am sorry you are experiencing this.

I wouldn't go into pushing away, or even gentle nudging. Actively engaging with those feelings can pull you away from the openess of shikantaza.

My understanding of anxiety is that the amygdala creates a hormone when we are in new situations or facing unfamiliar or potentially "scary" decisions. This "fight or flight" response manifests as anxiety during the time before we decide whether to face it (fight) or back away (flight). In other words, the state of anxiety is simply the body telling the brain - "look here's something new, we're not sure what's going to happen, so you better be ready for anything, red alert".

My own favourite way of tackling this is to say: "Hello Anxiety, you keep turning up at the most inopportune moments. I'm a bit busy right now. Can we take a rain check? I'll call you later if I need you". This may sound idiosyncratic, but it's my little way of acknowledging that anxiety exists within me, but it doesn't have to control me.

So often emotions rule us before we have even spotted that this or that feeling is suddenly governing our behaviour. Spotting emotions as they arise, acknowledging them, may allow us to move to a behaviour that we are more content with.

Everyone is different, but I hope this helps a little so that you can find your own way, without it feeling like a battle.

Gasshō Seiko stlah