Zazen on days with something to do, problems

[Patrick Fain]

I have a problem in my Shikantaza. First I would like to state I have stopped staring at a point on the wall in case Jundo or anyone remembers that recent post I made.

My issue is that if I have something to do, like travel plans to pick up medication, or a doctor's visit at noon. What happens is when I sit in the morning before the event. Then anxiety and medium difficulty in doing Shikantaza occur. I can't maintain the practice properly; nor experience the peace or non-thinking that typically results.

On days with nothing planned my anxiety is much less, there is no obligations upon my shoulder basically and I can sit more freely. This in turn leads to much more fruitful Shikantaza. More peace and focus, and less distraction across the day.

I want to make note that I am aware of the need to have a desirelessness of results or outcomes. I know that desire for outcomes is to be dropped in true Shikantaza. I am typically able to drop the seeking and desire while sitting even though a feeling of want to reach to something is also present before sitting. Or at least I certainly try.

There appears to be almost a performance anxiety present during Shikantaza and just during the day in general when an event will occur. Like a shadow stalking me that I can not untangle my self from. Sometimes as I press on thru whatever event it may be I am able to settle in to a comfort level

Sat/Lah

Good day/night

[Jundo]

It is all fruitful Zazen.

On anxiety and medium difficulty days, sit the Zazen of anxiety and medium difficulty. Let the anxiety and medium difficulty be thoroughly anxiety and medium difficulty, not one thing to add or one thing to take away. This anxiety and medium difficulty is all the Buddhas and Ancestors embodying anxiety and medium difficulty. When stalked by a shadow and darkness, be stalked by a shadow, let all be dark. It is flawless Zazen.

On days of peace and non-thinking, sit the Zazen of peace and non-thinking. Let the peace and non-thinking be thoroughly peace and non-thinking, not one thing to add or one thing to take away. This peace and non-thinking is all the Buddhas and Ancestors embodying peace and non-thinking. When there is only light no shadow, let there be light. It is flawless Zazen.

As well, picking up your prescription is Zazen, a doctor's visit at noon is Zazen.

https://forum.treeleaf.org/forum/treeleaf/the-beginner-s-place/a-series-of-talks-for-new-folks/9653-sit-a-long-with-jundo-zazen-for-beginners-13?14883-Sit-a-Long-with-Jundo-Zazen-for-Beginners-(13)=

Buddha picks up her prescription, the Ancestors visit the doctor.

Gassho, J
stlah

[Onsho]

Heya!

A term that comes to mind is "dropping in". As in you are sitting, but not fully dropping into the experience. As if you're expecting calmness and clarity to come to you through action. When you are busy, is there a part of you that wants to use zazen as a way to mitigate that stress?

Something helpful for me when these situations arise in my life, I analyze the problem through a certain lens I have learned through my practice. The problem isn't that you can't drop into your experience. The problem is your relationship TO not dropping into your experience. Suffering happens when our expectations are not met. You are expecting an outcome on some level, and with it not being achieved the way you would like it, you have experienced suffering. The power of zazen for me has been that it is a daily training ground for me on some level to release those expectations and find calmness in the storm. It's very hard! It takes a lot of time. The more you sit when you're stressed, the more likely you will be calmer off the mat. Exponential growth.

Even if your mind is busy, the stillness can still creep into your bones. It may be more helpful to look at your "progression" from a monthly or yearly progression, and not daily or weekly.

Good luck Patrick!

Gassho
Onsho
satlah

[Bion]

My issue is that if I have something to do, like travel plans to pick up medication, or a doctor's visit at noon. What happens is when I sit in the morning before the event. Then anxiety and medium difficulty in doing Shikantaza occur. I can't maintain the practice properly; nor experience the peace or non-thinking that typically results.

Sit without a timer on those days.. Just bow, assume posture, sit for a while. It's much easier to stop when we feel in control and not pressured. Sometimes, just the notion that "it'll be this much time' can create stress and throw us into a loop of anxious thinking. I think you'll find yourself less concerned when you feel you can get up at any time and go do whatever you have to do, and most of the time you'll find yourself sitting longer than you expect. Hope it helps

Gassho
sat lah

[Patrick Fain]

Onsho, you may be right. I'll see if I can notice if what your saying is true, but I think it is already.

One thing that adds to this issue and others is that my stress level varies between medium to very high. I'm sort of like that move the case of Benjamin button. Here at 40 years of age I lost interest in all the things I was doing pretty much and felt living a normal life for once. I also announced some goals for myself to others you could say. I'm not sure I truly want these goals. It's like I have a huge mountain to climb.

Thanks for the advice

Patrick Fain

[Seiko]

...a performance anxiety present during Shikantaza and just during the day in general when an event will occur. Like a shadow stalking me that I can not untangle my self from. Sometimes as I press on thru whatever event it may be I am able to settle...

Hi Patrick,

I have no medical training so can only speak from personal experience of stress/anxiety.

Get to know yourself very well. For me, zazen doesn't trigger anxiety, but zazen can provide space for anxiety to occupy.

Anxiety isn't worry, it is a hormonal response from your amygdala, an indicator of an unfamiliar or uncomfortable situation. This fight or flight response was essential in keeping humans alive, thousands of years ago.

So, I have taught myself to recognise my own anxiety before it takes control, as it is just emerging. Once I identify it - instead of running with that particular baton - I acknowledge it - a mental note like; "Hello anxiety my old friend, I'm a bit busy right now, let's take a rain check". And that's it. Knowing anxiety is present. Not allowing it to rule my life.

If you want to, think of anxiety as fear. Brave men are not fearless. They perform brave acts, alongside the fear, it comes along too, but they don't allow it to take over.

So, that's just my take. Maybe you'll find your own way.

Gasshō, Seiko, stlah

[Chikyou]

Hi Patrick,

I don’t know how long you’ve been practicing but I definitely found, two or three years in, that there have been profound changes in my practice as well as how I feel about days when practice is hard due to anxiety, obligations, etc.

So hang in there, you might be surprised by how your practice changes over time. Onshō is right, it takes months and years, not days and weeks.

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō