How has your practice changed over the years?

[Chikyou]

I was thinking about this and wondered what others’ experiences are. I have been practicing regularly for about three years now. At first, zazen was difficult, but for some reason I stuck with it (I’m actually not sure why I didn’t give up looking back! ) My legs hurt, my back hurt, I would struggle to keep my eyes open and my mind would start doing Olympic level gymnastics.

But slowly, gradually, things changed. First I found a comfortable sitting position and cushion that have been serving me very well for the past couple of years. My mind stopped doing quite so many backflips. At some point, and I’m not even sure when this happened, I just noticed it one day: I no longer struggle to stay awake.

Now my mind pretty consistently becomes quiet at about the 10 minute mark (sometimes more, sometimes less). I sit for a while and everything just becomes still, just like that, with no real effort from me. My attention rests gently on the sound of birds, traffic outside, the feel of my breath (also with no effort). I don’t see zazen as a discipline that I must keep up with diligence because I look forward to it, and if I don’t have time to sit one day, I miss it. It’s the first thing I do every morning and the last thing I do in the evening before bed.

It’s only been three(ish) years - I can’t wait to see where my practice takes me over the course of the rest of my life!

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

[Bion]

So, do you mean just the practice of zazen, or our practice as buddhists?
I'll try to be brief and tackle both aspects. For me, zazen is part of my buddhist practice. It is essential to my life and not something that I look at as optional or disposable, nor do I see it as a chore... . Years ago, used to struggle to sit every day, as I'd get distracted and would put it off, until I'd have to, some days, sit for 5 minutes at 2 am, just to say I hadn't skipped a day.
Then, it slowly became an integral part of my life, as the good fruits of the practice ripened. As soon as Treeleaf came into my life, practice took a whole different dimension. Now, I could commit to sitting WITH a sangha, I could formalize my practice by taking the precepts, by having a teacher, by being held accountable. More growth.

I can't particularly speak of how zazen has changed, other than I sit with ease these days, I sit much longer than I used to, I'm more comfortable also with not being able to always sit long or formal. Zazen is way less rigid for me and I don't fall into the trap of making it small anymore, as maybe we tend to, sometimes.

Off the cushion, I focus on the precepts, on nurturing good and skillful qualities and polishing my rough edges as much as I can. I practice metta, meditation and I try to keep a healthy rhythm of dharma study. I try to abide by the words of the Buddha as much as I can, refrain from things that increase my unskilful mental qualities, have good friends in the dharma and be a good monk, above all.

Hope that's a suitable answer to your question!

Gassho
sat lah

[Chikyou]

I can't particularly speak of how zazen has changed, other than I sit with ease these days, I sit much longer than I used to, I'm more comfortable also with not being able to always sit long or formal. Zazen is way less rigid for me and I don't fall into the trap of making it small anymore, as maybe we tend to, sometimes.

It’s interesting you mention that! I have been taking zazen off the cushion a lot more than I used to. One of my biggest struggles with practice or even just mindfulness in general has been remembering - It’s hard to stay mindful or use a skill if you forget that the skill exists in the first place. But over time I notice that I’m a lot more aware of my thoughts, feelings, emotions most of the time, aware of my body, aware of a need to slow down and take a breath. Whereas before I just went through life in a blur.

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

[Bion]

It’s interesting you mention that! I have been taking zazen off the cushion a lot more than I used to. One of my biggest struggles with practice or even just mindfulness in general has been remembering - It’s hard to stay mindful or use a skill if you forget that the skill exists in the first place. But over time I notice that I’m a lot more aware of my thoughts, feelings, emotions most of the time, aware of my body, aware of a need to slow down and take a breath. Whereas before I just went through life in a blur.

Well, that doesn't sound like a small thing to me, at all

Gassho
sat lah

[Houzan]

Hi Chikyou,

Thank you for sharing and for your questions. Needed to reflect a couple of days to share my experience.

Despite years of sitting, my mind is still sometimes very busy (sounds nice to get this consistently after 10 min!). When my life is busy, I’m sitting with a monkey. When life is relaxed, there are a lot less thoughts (but always some). My sitting is no longer a chore or a «treat». Just something I do.

The border between practice and life is gradually softening somehow.

More of my activities off the cushion (not nearly all, but more than before) are accompanied with zazen mind. For instance, instead of jogging with a podcast, I just jog. I just drive. This is not something I try, it comes.

I judge way less. My sitting, for instance, is neither “good” nor “bad”. Things are as they are and then I try to improve them.

I am more kind. Small things. For instance, I’m
more inclined to shovel snow outside my neighbors door. I started to sort my trash to a bigger extent than before. I smile more to people. These kind of things.

I somehow are more comfortable in life. I watch the sky and trees more. To see a squirrel run over a fence feels much more satisfying now than before. Stressful situations in daily life somehow become more entertaining, and not so serious. Not always though! I still have days with poor mood. I’m talking degrees. This comfortableness might simply be due to me getting older, I don’t know, but I suspect it is at least also due to our practice, or IS practice.

I feel more connected to everything. It’s almost like all the reading and reflection about emptiness, and all sitting in emptiness, somehow has seeped into more and more moments of my life, if that makes sense. It’s a very satisfying feeling, and it somehow also is a backdrop when I’m annoyed or sad. Again, I’m talking degrees.

My motivation to continue our practices seems to increase over time.

There has been a lot of changes, yet my life and practice is still pretty much as it was before. I’m still angry sometimes. Still stressed. My sitting sometimes is a torture. I still make many mistakes. Still some days without a drop of motivation. And so on.

Gassho, Hōzan
satlah

[Chikyou]

I am more kind. Small things. For instance, I’m
more inclined to shovel snow outside my neighbors door. I started to sort my trash to a bigger extent than before. I smile more to people. These kind of things.

I love this. I started practicing Lend a Hand as a way to stay in touch with my practice and increase generosity and kindness; a couple years in, it’s second nature to me.

I’ve experienced the general increase in mindfulness you mention too. What’s interesting is when I’ve TRIED to increase mindfulness, it hasn’t worked; through practice though, it just sort of happened.

Gassho,
SatLah
Chikyō,

[Seiko]

I was thinking about this and wondered what others’ experiences are. I have been practicing regularly for about three years now. At first, zazen was difficult, but for some reason I stuck with it (I’m actually not sure why I didn’t give up looking back! ) My legs hurt, my back hurt, I would struggle to keep my eyes open and my mind would start doing Olympic level gymnastics.

But slowly, gradually, things changed. First I found a comfortable sitting position and cushion that have been serving me very well for the past couple of years. My mind stopped doing quite so many backflips. At some point, and I’m not even sure when this happened, I just noticed it one day: I no longer struggle to stay awake.

Now my mind pretty consistently becomes quiet at about the 10 minute mark (sometimes more, sometimes less). I sit for a while and everything just becomes still, just like that, with no real effort from me. My attention rests gently on the sound of birds, traffic outside, the feel of my breath (also with no effort). I don’t see zazen as a discipline that I must keep up with diligence because I look forward to it, and if I don’t have time to sit one day, I miss it. It’s the first thing I do every morning and the last thing I do in the evening before bed.

It’s only been three(ish) years - I can’t wait to see where my practice takes me over the course of the rest of my life!

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

Hi Chikyō,

I am a just a novice priest in training, so please take my comments with a pinch of salt.

What has changed:
I am older.
I could just leave it there. But I guess I can add a little more -

What has diminished:
Physical ability. I now sit in a chair. I used to sit in half lotus or Burmese.

What has blossomed:
* Faith in my current teacher/sangha. When I started down this road 40+ years ago I was somewhere else.
* Confidence in myself. To sit. To just get on with it.
* Trust. That whatever happens during sitting, is OK. Notice and move on.

Gasshō, Seiko, stlah

[FNJ]

Hi Chikyou

Thanks for asking the question.

Over the past ten years, my practice has changed quite a bit. I started out with Shambhala, mostly because I appreciated the clarity of instruction and the relaxed atmosphere. In those early years, I was drawn to the formal aspects of practice like meditation instruction and group sittings. I liked having a clear framework to follow.
As time went on, I found myself moving away from anything devotional or mystical. I’ve always had a fairly secular view of the Dharma, and I’m honestly allergic to gurus. What matters to me now is how the practice affects daily life how it helps with attention, emotional regulation, and how I respond to situations.

Since my work injury happened (tried to very briefly support 300 lbs of steel as it slipped off a magnet lift) I now have a lot more time meditate. And so meditation is also my way of trying to stay off of painkillers (which is a real big problem for folks these days).

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed is that I’ve become a lot less reactive. Things still happen, but I don’t get pulled into them as easily. There’s a bit more space between stimulus and response, which makes a real difference in how I move through the day.

In recent years, I’ve also gotten more interested in how meditation affects the body. I’ve been reading about polyvagal theory (thanks to my therapist) and paying attention to how sitting influences things like stress response, the vagus nerve, and overall nervous system regulation. That’s helped me understand practice not just as a mental discipline, but as something deeply somatic.

I don’t attend many retreats anymore, partly due to health issues, but I sit regularly at home. My practice now feels simpler and more integrated. It’s less about trying to fix myself and more about staying close to what’s actually happening.

So my reasons for practicing are very pragmatic and very much about selfcare.

Sat LAH
Gassho
Niall

[Tairin]

This is an interesting question I ask myself from time to time. Thanks for the opportunity to try to express it.

I think the biggest change could be summarized in one word “maturity”.

When I arrived at Treeleaf I read every post and every suggested reading with vigor. I attacked Zen as if I was studying for a surprise pop quiz from Jundo. I also sat a lot. Often three or four sessions a day. I’d say I was powered by some excitement and enthusiasm. This lasted about a year. I actually held off doing Jukai to ensure that I wasn’t rushing into it.

Gradually over time the novelty wore off. Honestly that’s where I think Practice really started. Every day making time to just sit. Every day trying to be mindful of how I was living my life relative to the Precepts. It just became part of my life, like brushing my teeth, or any number of daily activities. No ceremony. Just settling in and committing to this Path each and every day.

Another way of putting this would be to contrast a sprint to a marathon.

For me, I needed to go through these steps. Looking back I see that initially my Practice was very goal driven. Trying to achieve something although I am not sure quite what. It took me some time to drop the goal and just let my Practice be.

I am still a work in progress.

I hope this was helpful


Tairin
sat today and lah

[Chikyou]

In recent years, I’ve also gotten more interested in how meditation affects the body. I’ve been reading about polyvagal theory (thanks to my therapist) and paying attention to how sitting influences things like stress response, the vagus nerve, and overall nervous system regulation. That’s helped me understand practice not just as a mental discipline, but as something deeply somatic.

Hi Niall,

Polyvagal theory and its cousins are actually a side interest of mine! Do you have any good resources to share?

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

[FNJ]

Hi Niall,

Polyvagal theory and its cousins are actually a side interest of mine! Do you have any good resources to share?

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

Reading and doing the workbook right now for "Anchored by Deb Dana". It really has changed my life. If only just to be aware of what's going on in my body. Again, I really suspect that Buddhist masters of the past understood this stuff in their own way. I think because they learned how their own body and minds worked. They were experts at manipulating the bodies and minds of other people. And they did this so that they could show them when they were reacting from those three major systems. I must admit this would be a challenge in an online setting. Jundo Roshi must be a busy guy!

Sat LAH
Gassho
Niall

[Chikyou]

Reading and doing the workbook right now for "Anchored by Deb Dana". It really has changed my life. If only just to be aware of what's going on in my body. Again, I really suspect that Buddhist masters of the past understood this stuff in their own way. I think because they learned how their own body and minds worked. They were experts at manipulating the bodies and minds of other people. And they did this so that they could show them when they were reacting from those three major systems. I must admit this would be a challenge in an online setting. Jundo Roshi must be a busy guy!

Sat LAH
Gassho
Niall

Thank you! I’ve added it to my reading list.

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

[Myo-jin]

I was thinking about this and wondered what others’ experiences are. I have been practicing regularly for about three years now. At first, zazen was difficult, but for some reason I stuck with it (I’m actually not sure why I didn’t give up looking back! ) My legs hurt, my back hurt, I would struggle to keep my eyes open and my mind would start doing Olympic level gymnastics.

But slowly, gradually, things changed. First I found a comfortable sitting position and cushion that have been serving me very well for the past couple of years. My mind stopped doing quite so many backflips. At some point, and I’m not even sure when this happened, I just noticed it one day: I no longer struggle to stay awake.

Now my mind pretty consistently becomes quiet at about the 10 minute mark (sometimes more, sometimes less). I sit for a while and everything just becomes still, just like that, with no real effort from me. My attention rests gently on the sound of birds, traffic outside, the feel of my breath (also with no effort). I don’t see zazen as a discipline that I must keep up with diligence because I look forward to it, and if I don’t have time to sit one day, I miss it. It’s the first thing I do every morning and the last thing I do in the evening before bed.

It’s only been three(ish) years - I can’t wait to see where my practice takes me over the course of the rest of my life!

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō

In a way I think I’m coming at things from the opposite direction. In that the physical aspects, sore back, knees etc, were a problem many years ago when I started ‘meditation’, so in a way I’d long since gotten to the point where the half lotus posture was pretty comfortable by the time I started labeling it Shikantaza and studying Buddhism on a more than casual basis. I’d day this was where the trouble really started, in learning to let go of expectations.

That said, from starting Buddhist practice about 5 years ago now to the present, if anything I’ve come to realise that while I thought my mind was pretty quiet after about 10 minutes, I’ve become aware of a whole substratum of noise, pre-thought thoughts if you like,. In short, I thought I was doing well in that regard, until I got attuned to it. It’s something like those sounds that you hear in the dead of night that are masked by daytime sounds of traffic and human activity.

I’ve also had an ongoing conflict between nihilism and ‘eternalism’, to put it in philosophical terms. One other thing I find is that I’m less attracted to the traditional religious aspects and articles of
faith, and yet somehow I still sit most days, it’s like brushing my teeth, I’m not ready in the morning until I’ve sat for a little while. So while part of me is quite sure that that sitting zazen is the thing to do, the cynical part of
me asks why and gets no convincing answer, except that quiet sense that this is indeed the thing to do even though I don’t understand it, or even like it much.
Essentially, my initial enthusiasm for Buddhism has faded into a ‘meat and potatoes’ type of practice that I can’t analyse and can only live with as part of life. I’m not really sure why I do it, the given reasons somehow don’t touch the marrow, but at this point I don’t think I could stop.

Gassho
Sattlah
Myojin

[Shui_Di]

It is very interesting thread.

The first time I practice Zazen, I just sit for nothing, forgetting about being a Buddha. (It is a very radical Swift, because most Buddhist tradition in my country is always trying to be a Buddha. A goal oriented meditation). So the first time I sat a Zazen it was a relieve to just Sit.

Then, doubting mind start questioning, was Shikantaza enough. What if actually I was doing something stupid. Just sitting wasting my time?

Then, after wondering many other method, then I realized I was too tired chasing "something" around. And I Sit and rest again. Forgetting about being e Buddha.

And some experience come, oh wow, this is the way I am looking for. This way is incredible. So I sit confidently.

Then I am starting to look for that Wow experience again. Then I realize the "Wow moment" also object of impermanent. "WOW" is good. "NOT WOW" is good. Just like the sky at day and night, seems changing color, but sky is colorless. It is just empty wide space.

So now I just Sit forgetting about Wow or Not-Wow. Feeling enlightened or feeling ordinary. Sit like an old Buddha statue.

Then the "younger" me asking again, "is your practice just wasting your time then?"
I answer to myself, "I am practicing "no-thing", that's why "no-time" being wasted."
I am just sitting anyway.

Gassho, Mujo
Sat

[Chikyou]

Last night during my evening sit I had a bit of a realization. I have been practicing for years now but still sometimes wonder if I’m doing it “right”. Jundo often says to sit with the feeling “deep in your bones” that sitting is full and complete, a sacred act. I sit with equanimity easily now, but how does one cultivate (or not) a feeling “deep in their bones”? So I wasn’t sure.

But last night I realized, I am not sitting with any goal or intention to gain anything or accomplish anything. I really am sitting, just for the sake of sitting. Sitting is itself the only goal. So I guess I’m doing it exactly right.

Gassho,
SatLah,
Chikyō