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Dear All (each, I assume, the offspring of sex) ...I wish to address a question I was asked yesterday by a lay person (pun intended) in our Sangha who felt some friction (pun intended) masturbating and watching porno sometimes. Another single fellow asked about a few "one night stands"(what we old people called "hook-ups"
) Maybe the nearness of Spring, and Valentine's Day, was putting such things on folks' mind. They had each taken the Bodhisattva Precepts at Jukai, including our Precept on "not misusing sexuality," and both seem seriously concerned about the Karma of doing so. Both say that their "puritanical upbringing" in another religion may be playing a role (role playing ... get it? 
) They don't want to harm somebody, wonder when sex is harming somebody, and one fellow thinks that the time watching porn could be better spent "helping suffering sentient beings."Actually, I get asked about sex questions a lot (not much mystery why
) ...I answer as follows, and wonder if folks would have other positions (pun intended) on this hard topic (pun intended), or if it rubs some the wrong way (pun intended)
... ~~~~
Hi. You are a lay person, not a monk. Your vow is not to "misuse sex," not to give up all sex. Celibacy is beautiful and to be honored for those who choose, whether Ordained or Householder lay people. In some schools of Buddhism, ALL DESIRE, especially for sex, is the root of suffering. However, in other schools of Buddhism, including especially the Japanese Mahayana, MODERATION of desires, and not becoming entrapped in desires, is what is important ... whether for eating, drinking alcohol, smoking pot, possessing money and material objects or sex. If you are an alcoholic, for example, even one (1) drop may be poison. But otherwise, MODERATION and proper timing for all things. Thus, please do not masturbate in the office, at funerals or on the city bus.
Japanese monks even offer some matchmaking services to lay people (and there are matchmaking services especially to help busy Japanese monks find dating partners and spouses. LINK )
In the entire history of Asian Buddhism, there has always been sex, masturbation and sexual relations among consenting partners. Especially for lay people. Otherwise, if all were celibate, there would be no Buddhists left after the first generation because no Buddhist babies. Granted, masturbation, sex with birth control,same-sex sex or the like, does not make babies ... but there was just never an expectation that lay Buddhists can only have sex to make babies.
The traditional Vinaya rules for celibate monks says ... "Intentional emission of semen, except while dreaming, is an offense entailing suspension.”
In the Japanese tradition, where monks do NOT undertake the Vinaya precepts, monks can marry and have wholesome sex (at least, when outside the monastery.) Buddhist clergy date, sexy things happen between unmarried people, people masturbate. Even Zen Masters can "Master Bate." image.pngTalk about "The Sound of One Hand Clapping!
)I think that, for non-celibate lay persons, there is no problem with masturbating. Of course, all things in moderation. If you find yourself masturbating 5 times a day, that sounds like addiction and is no good, excessive ... like eating chocolate cake five times a day, or drinking alcohol five times a day. I hear doctors say that men (but I hear that women masturbate too! Is that true?
) sometimes may masturbate daily, and it is a perfectly natural thing for the body, like needing to eat, drink, urinate, breathe daily. This doctor says that ... like eating or anything ... it is "too much" when it interferes or has unhealthy effects on your life (e.g., you are missing work, it is causing you to miss out on relationships with actual human beings, etc. LINK The doctor also cautions against doing it so much you get skin irritation! 
) If you just sat Zazen 5 times a day (outside sesshin or a monastery), and it interfered with much of life apart from that, I would say it is too much too!As to porno and short sexual relationships, I would simply advise (1) don't be addicted to sex and porno, the same way as one should not be addicted to food or drink, i.e., all things in moderation, and (2) avoid the ugly stuff where people hurt or get hurt, especially where people really get hurt rather than pretend. Do avoid porno if something looks wrong, as if somebody is being forced into it, coerced, underage, made to do so for reasons of a drug habit, poverty or the like, and is not there by choice. (3) You should avoid sex at certain times in practice, such as when in an actual monastery or retreat. Please do not have sex during Sesshin!
And NOT DURING ZAZEN PLEASE! Wait until after. Also, honor committed relationships, honesty and avoid cheating. Keep relationships consensual, even short ones, where everyone is left feeling that it was a positive experience, not something sordid. No means no. Try to avoid psychologically manipulating someone for sex, and ... well, everyone should come out of the experience feeling positive about it.If one does wish to be celibate for a time as their lifestyle choice, that is fine too, and a powerful practice. However, just don't think that it is required of lay folks, or even monks in the Japanese traditions. My Teacher, Nishijima Roshi, decided to become celibate in his mid-50s, but said that he would not have done so earlier. He also asked his wife for permission to become celibate and, according to what he told me, said she was fine with it and would not miss it much.
My Teacher's teacher was the son, by the way, of my teacher's teacher's teacher ... so I can only assume that my teacher's teacher's teacher had sex, and his father before him.Yes, you could be out building homes for the homeless rather than masturbating, it is true. Likewise for sleeping, studying the Dharma, eating, drinking or reading a book, or sitting Zazen. How about you sleep, study the Dharma, eat, drink, read, sit Zazen and masturbate, THEN go out and help the homeless? (Not necessarily in that exact order.) A time for all good things.
Have fun! (In moderation!)
We can have desires ... in moderation, and without being overly clinging, caught and attached to desires. If you only thought about sex, and chased it all the time, there would be a problem. Once in awhile, following your natural urges as a lay person, is not a problem.I could make a joke about the Hell of Hungry Ghosts where they are all starving because they selfishly try to feed only themselves with these long spoons that won't reach their own mouth. But, when they finally feed each other, all are nourished!
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Well, I would say it is the same with Hungry Ghost masturbation! Help the other person!
So, I give balanced masturbation a bit of a thumbs up
and the other four fingers too!Gassho, J
stlah
PS - Reminds me of this joke I heard once from our Kotei ...
A new monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.
He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.
He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
"Celebrate", "the word was Celebrate!"
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.
He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.
He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
"Celebrate", "the word was Celebrate!"
PPS - ** A statue of the Buddha Samantabhadra in union with his consort Buddha Samantabhadri, the primordial Buddha pair in some forms of Tibetan Buddhism. The statue symbolizes the union of wisdom and skilled means, and the ultimate realization of enlightenment, and the non-duality of samsara and nirvana. LINK
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