Queerness and Liberation

[Furyu]

I would like to invite anyone to share where you have met your sense of liberation outside of your zen practice. Was is hard earned? Was it there the whole time?

Onshō

If I may go back to Onsho's first question. Coming out was certainly freeing, though in my case it was over several years, and it was both liberating and painful at times. Being able to marry my partner after 11 years, when it finally was allowed, was also freeing, more than I had anticipated, in fact. These things were freeing in the sense that they allowed my life to happen without the need for select ommissions or lies when communicating to others and because I acquired the support of many people in the process, some unexpected. It granted the freedom to live openly as I am. When we are not able to live out who we are openly, it forces us to lead double lives that include deceit in our daily lives. This is psychologically difficult and destructive. The effects of closing yourself to others over time is lasting.
On another note, finding a place to practice and a supportive Sangha at Treeleaf has also been liberating and affirming.

Thank you for the post, Onshō.


Fūryū (Ramine)
Satlah

[Onki]

I would like to invite anyone to share where you have met your sense of liberation outside of your zen practice. Was is hard earned? Was it there the whole time?

Onshō

As a transman, my own personal liberation was always inside of me. From my earliest memories as a child I can distinctly remember “feeling different.” I knew from that young age (around 5 years old) that there was something… Of course at this age I didn’t have the correct language for who I was nor did I even know there were many others like myself.

In my early years, I presented “masculine.” I wore my brother’s hand me downs, had very short hair, played with boys over girls, was heavily into sports (not saying that girls can’t be into sports. I’m saying that this was the early 1990s growing up in conservative Alberta where gender roles were extremely clear cut), etc.

As I got older, I knew I was attracted to women. But again, I didn’t have the language to explain or convey who I was and how I had always felt. In an attempt to make things easier on myself (and everyone else) I decided to play the role of a lesbian. This did the exact opposite of what I wanted (I didn’t actually want to play the part of a lesbian as I knew in my heart I was never one in the first place).

I knew I was lying to myself.

I had told girlfriends of my feelings and there was one of two outcomes: 1) They didn’t understand and would soon dump me or 2) They tried to understand but in reality they wanted to be with a woman, which I was not.

In my early 20s I finally had enough of this constant repressing and lying to myself. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was getting to a critical point where my life was at stake. I was so unhappy with myself. I hated who I saw in the mirror.

I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to see if he could help me. I told him how I had always felt inside, how I hated the way I looked, how my voice sounded, how I longed to be the man that I always knew I was. He was the very first medical professional to tell me what the word transgender meant. He referred me to a gender specialist in my hometown who exclusively worked with trans folks.

Since this was 17 years ago, the process to begin hormones (in my case, testosterone) was a different process. I was psychologically evaluated and had to essentially “convince” the psychiatrist that I was indeed trans. Normally, one would have to “physically live” in their “preferred gender” for at least one year in order to proceed with hormone therapy. I guess my case was very convincing as my one year wait time was removed and I was able to begin treatment right away.

When beginning hormone therapy, at least for me, it took a lot of time and patience to see any changes, be them subtle or drastic. Then came surgeries (which are not “required” and do not make you any less trans if you choose not to have any surgeries), but for me in order to feel at least a sense of ease within my physical body I needed a few surgeries. Top surgery and full hysto were both completed within the same year.

This has been a long process, from physically transitioning to beginning medical transition (including hormone therapy, surgery, and continuous maintenance via testosterone injections weekly for the rest of my life). Throughout my journey I have met some pretty incredible people, including the creator of this post. I have endured discrimination, transphobia, and the disownment of essentially my entire family for being who I am. I have met the love of my life and become a mentor to trans youth that are at the very beginning of their own personal journeys. As for me, I think I’ve found my own sense of personal liberation when I finally stopped lying to myself about who I was and always have been. When I stopped trying to please everyone else in my life by trying to be someone that I knew in my heart I was not. Yes, I have lost several people and relationships because of living my truth but I have also gained a community of friends, a Sangha, a supportive and loving wife. These people love me for me.

Thanks for making it to the end of this post.

Gasshō,

On

[Onki]

What a beautiful question and invitation.
I've met my sense of liberation outside my practice (although aid by it sometimes) when:

- 13 years ago I divorced from an abusive husband.
This was hard earned. Yup
- Last summer I joined my first LGTB+ parade and I told all my family (I'm now married with another cis man and I had never told some of my family members that I'm queer). This was easy and joyful.
- I realised I am not the kind of person and the role that some members of my family have assigned for me. This was and is hard still.
- I realised I can be faithful to my values and I can protect my boundaries. As long as I do it with kindness and from compassion towards others, now I know that have the right to do it.

The last ones are work in progress and zen practice is helping me a lot.

Thanks

Gassho,
Satlah

Shoshin,

This is lovely!

It sounds like your family was receptive to your telling them of your queerness.

All the best!

Gasshō,

On

[Onki]

Lovely. Yes.

All gentle, kind people should be respected and honored for who they are, their uniqueness and our human sameness, each living their own good life ... LGBTQ, gay or straight or square or round, black, white, brown, red, blue or green.

Lovely. There is ample space in the Sangha for all.

Gassho, Jundo
stlah

Well said.

Gasshō,

On

[Onki]

If I may go back to Onsho's first question. Coming out was certainly freeing, though in my case it was over several years, and it was both liberating and painful at times. Being able to marry my partner after 11 years, when it finally was allowed, was also freeing, more than I had anticipated, in fact. These things were freeing in the sense that they allowed my life to happen without the need for select ommissions or lies when communicating to others and because I acquired the support of many people in the process, some unexpected. It granted the freedom to live openly as I am. When we are not able to live out who we are openly, it forces us to lead double lives that include deceit in our daily lives. This is psychologically difficult and destructive. The effects of closing yourself to others over time is lasting.
On another note, finding a place to practice and a supportive Sangha at Treeleaf has also been liberating and affirming.

Thank you for the post, Onshō.


Fūryū (Ramine)
Satlah

Hi Fūryū,

I’m sorry you went through this. I can relate to having to “living a double life” for one’s safety. Before I transitioned I felt the need to lie and hide to everyone in my life about who I was for my own safety. Back then (and maybe more so now) LGBTQ folks, especially trans folks, had to be hyper-vigilant. Growing up in a conservative place where if you aren’t anything but cisgender, white, and straight you become a target for hate.

Personally, it was the whole washroom debacle that I felt most threatened. To this day it still makes me anxious and uncomfortable using the men’s washroom.

Gasshō,

On

[Hosai]

If I may go back to Onsho's first question. Coming out was certainly freeing, though in my case it was over several years, and it was both liberating and painful at times. Being able to marry my partner after 11 years, when it finally was allowed, was also freeing, more than I had anticipated, in fact. These things were freeing in the sense that they allowed my life to happen without the need for select ommissions or lies when communicating to others and because I acquired the support of many people in the process, some unexpected. It granted the freedom to live openly as I am. When we are not able to live out who we are openly, it forces us to lead double lives that include deceit in our daily lives. This is psychologically difficult and destructive. The effects of closing yourself to others over time is lasting.
On another note, finding a place to practice and a supportive Sangha at Treeleaf has also been liberating and affirming.

Thank you for the post, Onshō.


Fūryū (Ramine)
Satlah

Furyu, apologies if you don't want to talk further about it but are you of persian ancestry by any chance and were you born in Canada?...

_/\_
sat/ah
hōsai

[Jundo]

Every time I read here, or elsewhere in our Sangha Forum, that someone could just be themself, find their peace and path in Buddhist practice and in this Treeleaf place and in life and just find their place in life ...

... I get a little tear in my eye of joy. I am getting a lot of joy tears from this thread.

All peaceful, good, caring, loving, gentle folks ... just be yourselves, live your life.

Gassho, J
stlah

[Furyu]

Furyu, apologies if you don't want to talk further about it but are you of persian ancestry by any chance and were you born in Canada?...

_/\_
sat/ah
hōsai

Hi Hosai,
I don't mind. I was born in Iran but we left in 1979. I also come from a mixed background, my mother's side is French (from France). We have imigrated twice. Luckily for me my coming out was in Canada in the early 90s so not so bad in a way. But it took several years before I was out to all my family and my father the last to know - he surprised me though and accepted me and my partner right away. Our wedding was also a turning point for my parents in terms of publicly acknowledging our relashionship. You never know who in advance how people will react.


Furyu
satlah

[Hosai]

Hi Hosai,
I don't mind. I was born in Iran but we left in 1979. I also come from a mixed background, my mother's side is French (from France). We have imigrated twice. Luckily for me my coming out was in Canada in the early 90s so not so bad in a way. But it took several years before I was out to all my family and my father the last to know - he surprised me though and accepted me and my partner right away. Our wedding was also a turning point for my parents in terms of publicly acknowledging our relashionship. You never know who in advance how people will react.

Wow! Dodged a bullet there! I've met quite a few expat Iranians including a few actual Sufis...

Mais je comprends que la culture française a exercé une influence significative en Iran, notamment à travers la diplomatie, l'éducation et les échanges intellectuels depuis le XIXe siècle.

_/\_
hōsai

[Jundo]

Hi Hosai,
I don't mind. I was born in Iran but we left in 1979. I also come from a mixed background, my mother's side is French (from France). We have imigrated twice. Luckily for me my coming out was in Canada in the early 90s so not so bad in a way. But it took several years before I was out to all my family and my father the last to know - he surprised me though and accepted me and my partner right away. Our wedding was also a turning point for my parents in terms of publicly acknowledging our relashionship. You never know who in advance how people will react.


Furyu
satlah

Joy tears again!

Gassho, J
stlah

[Furyu]

Wow! Dodged a bullet there! I've met quite a few expat Iranians including a few actual Sufis...

Mais je comprends que la culture française a exercé une influence significative en Iran, notamment à travers la diplomatie, l'éducation et les échanges intellectuels depuis le XIXe siècle.

_/\_
hōsai

Lovely French hōsai.
Oui, la plupart de ma famille en Iran parlait aussi le français. Mais je crois que cela a bien changé maintenant.

Fūryū
satlah